Decisions

I have so much on my mind right now that I wish I could just dump in some one's lap and say, "Here, just sort all this out and let me know what you come up with."

To start, I am extremely dissatisfied with this apartment on so many levels I don't know where to begin. The heat is either broken or it's 95 degrees. The complaints about it being so hot up here fall on deaf ears, but PSE&G is sure paying attention. My thermostats are basically useless; I believe that they are put there to fool me into thinking I have some kind of control over the climate.

The downstairs path to my laundry and dryer are a death trap. Period. I fear that someone will find me at the bottom of the dark steps one night with a broken neck, suffocated by a basket of dirty laundry.

The yard is a not-my-dog shit field of broken-ass-CRAP that isn't fit for the dogs or the baby to play in. Interestingly, Rutherford has an excellent recycling program that actually picks up broken appliances. Ironically, the side yard is a homage to broken appliances. Maybe it's art. I don't know.

The lock on my door actually works but there is a pane of glass missing out of the door that's situated perfectly for any jerk to come in unlock. And yet there is a perfectly beautiful door sitting not 4 feet away from the broken one in the enclosed porch, just waiting to be hung by an associate of the person who maintains this place, someone who "owes him a favor." And there it sits. And sits.

(What is with this mentality of "owing favors?" Just pay a professional to do the fucking thing the right way. This excuse makes me really angry.)

Did I also mention that the drain from my kitchen sink leaks into the basement? I was told by the above mentioned "maintainer" of this house that he "should've really fixed it while the kitchen was all torn up before" I moved in. He's also not really looking forward to "tearing up the whole kitchen soon" but he'll "have to do it," he guesses. Yeah, I'm not looking forward to not having use of my kitchen for an indefite length of time either. Even though I am a fan of conserving water, I am not a fan of being paranoid that the garbage/collection can down in the basement is going to over-flow into my laundry every time I wash dishes.

***The point to take away from this: I have to move.***

Moving. Again. When will it end? Evidently not for a long time.

Rutherford High School is giving me a big problem with allowing Sadie to go to the technical high school that supposedly welcomes student from all of Bergen county. If only our school district didn't give me a line of bullshit every time I ask. "Oh, we don't send to Tech" says Rutherford. Great. I'm glad I'm paying too much money to live in a shit-hole in a town that's supposed to have one of the best high schools in southern Bergen county.

Tech says "We DO have kids from Rutherford, but this has been an issue, but I really can't say anymore about it."

Nice. This is EXACTLY what I need in my life. Vagueness on all fronts. Love it. I just want my kid to graduate and she is really not interested in much else, academic-wise, then being in this particular program that is supposedly open to ALL kids in Bergen county.

Dudes and dudettes, I don't have the fight in me to challenge the school. I just don't. I would just as soon move out of this dump and into a place that will mesh with our needs a whole lot better. If these people insist on keeping the security, I will understand but I sure hope they apply the money to making this a safer place to live and not on Home Shopping Network or whatever.

(An aside: how does one OWN property and treat it this way? This is beyond my scope of comprehension. Every house that I have owned has said goodbye to me in way better condition than when we first said hello.)

Lodi: probably the next destination because Sadie has friends in that school and we know kids who go to Tech from that town. Tried to get in touch with them today, no dice. Will try again tomorrow. I'm not moving to a town unless I know for certain that they will be cooperative in this venture.

Buying in Lodi: Ok home prices, taxes not Ok.
Renting in Lodi: I have been obsessively checking Craigslist for suitable rentals and nothing yet. I also have a few rental-brokers on the case, nothing yet.

Buying anything: Scary. I really don't know if I want to buy anything that I'm not going to live in for at least the next 5 years. Honestly, I don't even know if I want to be in Bergen county that long.

And don't even get me started on going back to school, work, etc. because it's all wound up in this tight-knit ball of stress. It's like a big web, all of the strings meet in the middle, and if I feel like if I upset one string, the whole thing is going to collapse.

Granted, these are a whole lot of First World Whines, if I may rip off Dooce's perfect expression for this kind of rant, but I can do better than this. I kick myself every day for ever whining about any of the comforts that I felt before. What a finely oiled machine my life once was.

I just feel I lack the stamina, the strength of mind to do any more fighting!

I have been fighting an uphill battle since August 2, 2007 and I just feel depleted. I knew, not even in the back of my mind, but I KNEW when things were falling in to place back in Florida to get the hell out of that nightmare, that the battle was maybe half-way over. I knew that there was a lot more work to be done.

And here it is.