Wednesday, January 21, 2009

A Lament

Right now I just really feel like this family unit is being short-changed by my inability to be two people in one body. These aren't even tasks that I can ask anyone else to help with. These tasks demand that I cross the T's and dot the I's.

I know that we all have our trials and tribulations but I can't help but feel that mine are closer to impossible than most. Maybe that's horribly ego-centric of self-centered or _insert some other term for shitheadedness here_ but...DAMN...sometimes I just want my old life back. It wasn't perfect, it was nearly always mundane, but it flowed.

I keep on reminding myself that it won't be like this forever, but then what? Then the girls, or at least Sadie, will be grown and the "best" years will have flown by while I was practically begging those years to fly by. Penny will no longer fit on my lap and what will I look back to? Moments where I just wished that time would hurry up and take us out of this phase?

It's the red-tape of life that I am caught up in and I greatly resent not being able to divide the labor.

It's my 30's flying by and not really enjoying this time when I'm supposed to be at the peak of security in my appearance, sexuality, career, personhood, and just every other goddamn thing that life promises will happen in to you in your 30's.

It's just everything...

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Grandiose or More Grandiose?

Well, I decided to go private with this blog. If you got an invite it's because I'm comfortable with sharing it with you. Maybe you actually read it on occasion too :-P

Going public with it on Facebook was a Grand Plan inspired by Kurt who writes such a great blog in between all of the other really cool stuff that he's doing with himself. I admire his writing as much as I admire his openness with sharing it. For a while I thought I'd give sharing a try but I've come to find that I just don't want to share it with a potentially wider audience anymore.

The irony is that I seriously doubt that audience has gotten wider. If it has, there is a really good chance that some of the new readers might not be people I want reading it. The Facebook thing has become a runaway locomotive of people I sort of know, people I don't know at all, and people that I feel sort of wishy-washy about. Trust me, there are some gems in there that I'm so glad I found again, but mostly it's like a playground during recess. Not always filled with your best friends if you know what I mean.

I've felt very stifled by having Mommydawg public in the playground so to speak. I hope that this new sense of privacy will inspire me to be more honest and creative with what I do here. Still don't know what that is yet, but it's mine, it's safe again, and I can take the time to figure that out.

I hope this finds anyway reading well and in good spirits. Spirits have been a bit low here, but I'm no stranger to that. We are in the middle of another move again, hopefully one that shows itself to be an improvement, but I don't have to tell any of you how sick I am of this whole process, do I? My level of exhaustion over seeking comfort is high.