This Is Not A Lovesong

Valentine's Day...hmmmm...where to begin?

Best to jump right in.

I've been anticipating this day for months now. I knew it would be hard. Not that Rob and I were the kind of people who dropped big money or did really exciting things on this day, but it was always observed in a special, kind of quiet way. I have a stack of cards bearing beautiful sentiments hidden in my closet to remind me of this.

In late August I purchased the Linkin Park CD Minutes to Midnight and knew that one particular song could sum up exactly how I felt about this whole Valentine's Day thing. I am a big LP fan thanks to Rob. They are one of those bands who have the eerie ability to strike a chord with my present situation in life-whether it's 2001 or 2008 or any year in between.

I spent the evening on YouTube looking up video footage related to this song. They haven't put out their own official video of this song but I was able to catch some concert footage, some bootleg, some not. A lot of people made picture slideshows with the song running in the background. My favorite clips were the amateurs-acoustic guitar renditions, close-ups of fingers strumming electric guitars while the music played in the background, and stripped down versions of piano and voice.


~Valentine's Day~

My insides are turned to ash, so slow
And blew away as I collapsed, so cold
A black wind took them away, from sight
And held the darkness over day, that night
And the clouds above move closer
Looking so disatisfied
But the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing

I used to be my own protection, but not now
Cause my path has lost direction, somehow
A black wind took you away, from sight
And held the darkness over day, that night
And the clouds above move closer
Looking so disatisfied
And the ground below grew colder
As they put you down inside
But the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing

So now you're gone
And I was wrong
I never knew what it was like
To be alone
On a Valentine's

Short Scoop on the Big Win

Alright, as you all know, I try my hardest to be a decent football fan. I fall short of this most of the time. I did manage to watch most of the game even though I fell asleep for about 5 minutes on the floor during the third quarter. I couldn't help it. Those darn pillow cases are just too soft.

Anyway, it was entertaining to hear my brother and my father debate the plays and keep the commentary rolling. I love listening to sports talk even if I don't understand it too well. There's something comforting about it, probably harkening back to childhood or maybe even far back into when I still lived in my mom's belly. It's been going on around me for as long as I can remember, yet I never quite paid attention to the content as much as I absorbed the tones of voice. I suppose this is why I fell asleep.

At the end when Plaxico caught that pass tears sprang to my eyes, which I hid from everyone. The energy in my house was pulsating. By brother, smelling of a little too much bear, professed his un-dying love for all present, ran circles again around my house with both fists in the air, and then bent down to kiss me and tell me how much he loved me. My parents were clearing delighted. After the game Plaxico was interviewed on the field and although I couldn't hear his voice over the din of my home, I could see he was crying. Tears flowing down his face.
This caused me to cry in a private, bittersweet celebration.

Wiping away tears, I called my friend Laura. We celebrated over the phone while I stood outside, my neighborhood erupting into cheers, the blowing of airhorns, and the setting off of fireworks. All these displaced New Yorkers and Jersey people still have love for their favorite teams up North.

A call came in from JH, which I took, and we celebrated on the phone. I think we both knew that this victory meant a lot more to us than just the Giants winning the Superbowl. It was something that would've delighted Rob endlessly. Like JH said in his comment to my last entry, I also prayed to him during the game to somehow give those guys a hand. A loss would've been crushing. What I choose to believe is that he heard the call and came through.

Sneaking in an entry

Well, I had an entry prepared regarding Penny's birthday. I got distracted. The condensced version is as follows:

It was a good day. She got lots of presents and had fun. A bunch of people were over so it was the usual manic scene in my world: a little too much food, a lot of fussing over the too-much-food, some nice memories, some awesome out of town guests, a bit of crying over the fact that Rob couldn't be there, exhaustion, some guilt over not being able to enjoy it the maximum, and then the comfort of my Calvin Klein bedding to take me away from the day for another year.

I do recommend CK bedding highly. It is worth the investment. Whatever gets you through the night...is alright...alright.

The Superbowl: I'm praying for Big Blue to take it all the way today. Not that I care tremendously about football. I just think that with Rob watching from his corner of the universe, wherever that may be, he'd naturally want the Giants to win.

I almost can't stand the idea of watching the Superbowl, but in this family it's a holiday up there with Christmas and Easter. This was always a big day for us. For me it had to do more with the food I was preparing, but for Rob it was all about the love of the game.

Well, this year it's homemade macaroni salad, the old Ebner's Shoparama recipe. Add to that some slowly cooked BBQ spareribs prepared in an oven AND a grill (they're on the grill right now and smelling mighty fine!), burgers, dogs, wine, beer, and soda.

My father, brother, and Penny are probably heading back from Hernando Beach. My mom is out walking. Sadie is at a friends house. The dogs are hovering around the grill, praying that the ribs come back to life and throw themselves onto the patio floor spontaneously. I'm alone on the lanai, just wondering how the hell I got to this point in life.

If Blue wins, I will surely bawl my eyes out. If they don't, it will be another example of working so hard and coming so far for...for what? An anti-climax? In which case I will my bawl my eyes out for them, thinking, "I know. I know boys. All that work to get to the top of whatever and then this."

I mean, listen, I think losing a husband is way worse than losing a Superbowl. IT IS! Trust me, it sucks. That's the only way to say it. But they can always try again. I can't. But I imagine that losing a Superbowl is amazingly heart-breaking.

Well, they're all back. I guess this entries done.

Keeping fingers crossed for the Giants!