Saturday, June 27, 2009

What I Want

Preface: Things are good. Nothing is terrible right now. In a way I know that I have either everything I need, or at least everything I need right now.

I am 3 sessions deep into this therapy thing and it's good I suppose but it definitely feels like work or some sort. So far I have only good thoughts and feelings about my therapist. He's an older man, gentle and kind in many ways but he also feels very down-to-earth, using expressions like "this sucks" or "bullshit" and such. Oddly (or not) this makes me feel more comfortable. Probably because I am a raging potty-mouth.

I do get a bit tense around Monday or Tuesday because my sessions are on Thursdays. There is always at least one very teary moment. I like to think that these are the moments where we are hitting home in a way, where some sort of progress is being made.

I find the process fascinating. I see the trust building and it's a little bit daunting but it also makes me feel very hopeful. I think a lot of what we are doing now is very task oriented-there are clearly certain things that need to occur before I can move on from this phase and we are identifying them together. However, with my mastery of the art of procrastination, this is difficult. I do have my work cut out for me.

*****

So I really wanted to list a few things here after that I would like to achieve when the I'm able to clear through the greater portion of the muck that I dwell in has been dredged away.

I want my own home again. I want to share my home with those I love and enjoy. I want my home to be an open and welcoming environment. I have this before and I can do it again.

I want to have completely integrated Rob's life and death into my own life and not have it weigh like an anchor on my soul any longer.

I want to be the best parent I possibly can be to my girls.

I want to be able to view life as a series of ups and downs and not take the downs so damn personally.

I want to be able to communicate with anyone, my own personal truths and needs, and not shy away from confrontation. I want to not fear causing people displeasure or disappointment with the decisions I make in my best interests. I want to do all of this in the most loving and respectful way.

*****

I have tons and tons of things to be thankful for. I have sustained loss. I am no longer in survival mode. I am in living mode.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Today

I started therapy today.

Oh dear Lord, what have I gotten myself into? I know it's the right thing to do, I feel very positive about the therapist, and I am sure it's going to help.

But listen: I fear what I'm going to have to pass through in this process.

One question asked of me today, and it was put as gently as possible, was why did I seek therapy NOW and not THEN. Excellent question. When I think of some of the stumbling blocks along the way, I feel as if maybe I could have avoided at least a few of them. However, I am here today, in whatever shape I am in, because of my yesterdays.

There is work to be done for me to clear up some issues before I can move forward in a healthier way. I *HATE* telling my story, Rob's story, what happened to our family and to myself. I don't know if it will ever get easier telling it. Still, there are things to concerning the grief that have spread out like a giant squid's tentacles, into so many small places in my life. It has brought about changes in me, some actually good and some not so good.

All of this is hard to discuss and I really wasn't ready until now. When I really take a moment to exam this, I curl back and block it out of my mind and I think it's time to stop doing that. I need to embrace the joy that I find without randomly flashing back to the pain and loss that has actually made my new experiences, hell-my new life, possible.

The mantra delivered to me over and over again, the thing that rings in my ears daily, the saying that I must believe at all costs is "there is a reason for everything." I was very humble about this in the beginning. I only allowed this to be true, perhaps, for the benefit of future generations, Sadie and Penny, maybe their own children. I believed that my life was basically over and that hopefully somehow the turn of events would allow them to feel some kind of joy, pleasure, or fulfillment that wouldn't have been available to them if our lives had proceeded exactly as I had planned things.

I cannot settle for this. I consider myself as more than a survivor; I am a person who can and will find meaning in her own life through sheer will, good friendship, and an undying spirit. There was nothing that the higher power put in my path that was not meant for me to live through. By and large, most of it has been very, very good.