Why I Hate Fridays

There seems to be a pattern with my typical Friday nights. I get home from work, scramble around getting Sadie where she needs to be, making sure people are fed, cleaning up dog crap, looking around at the place and trying to find at least one thing I can do to make it a little bit better. I get the baby to bed, check in with Sadie over the phone because she usually spends the night at a friends, pop open a bottle of wine.

Then silence.

And then a little more silence.

I could turn on the TV but I don't even feel like it so why bother wasting the electricity.

In my past life, a Friday night was normally spent at home anyway, but there was a routine to it that was enjoyable. Usually a pizza would be delivered and devoured. There might be a movie or something worth watching. The lights would always be down low and sleep would hit me on the couch at some point. Peeling myself up from the couch, I would brush my teeth and fall into bed after a hard week at work.

The main difference was-I wasn't doing this alone.

This made all of the difference in the world. This is what made past Friday nights something to look forward to. This is what makes my current Fridays torture.

I try so hard to enjoy every cute little thing that Penny does and says. How lucky I was at one point in time to be able to look over my shoulder at someone else and ask, "did you just see how cute she was?" doing this or that, or be able to marvel together at this precious creature and dream together of her potential.

That is gone. Gone, gone, gone. Where did it go? And more importantly-why? And not "why me?" but "why the girls?"

I can understand why me. Why not me? What the hell have I done with myself that's so fantastic? When I think of all of the time and energy in my life that has been wasted on ridiculous nonsense and selfish endeavors, I can understand fate turning me back into the singleton that I am obviously born to be. Why NOT?

But why these children? I can bear whatever punishments God/fate/whatever wants to dole out to me. Most of my life has been fairly miserable anyway. Is my karma rubbing off on them? That's a pretty horrendous thought.

So if you want to know why I hate Fridays, this is just a taste of what goes on in my life on a day that should really be something to celebrate, even if it's in a very quiet, simple way.

Penny is getting smarter too. When the subject of Daddy comes up, I'm finding that the simple answer that worked before, Daddy has gone Big Night-Night, is just not going to cut it anymore. The other day she asked me if I could wake him up soon.

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And the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing - LP