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I hope the Easter holiday was good for all of you who observed it.

The day of the resurrection also happened to be my late husband's first posthumous birthday.

Holidays are normally a little rough on me because I usually host, and since his death hosting has been a nightmare. I always forget to put out or prepare something important. I usually wind up drinking as I cook and then by dinner having a spoiled appetite and a weepy disposition.

This Easter I decided not to host and to find a venue for a decent Sunday brunch. I opted for an Easter brunch buffet at a local country club open to the public. We lingered for hours, talking and relaxing and making many trips to the food tables. For $25 per person, no dishes, no food preparation, it was a complete bargain.

No one but my parents came back to the house, which was spotlessly clean thanks to powers of 10 mg of Lexapro daily, or maybe a very timely episode of motivation that can't otherwise be explained. Me thinks it's the Lexapro. For the first two weeks I was on it I was completely lethargic. When I would have flare-ups of anxiety I would take an Ativan too (0.5 mg) which would make me more tired but would kill the anxiety. I didn't take too much Ativan during this time because I actually felt zombie-ish. To a friend I described it as feeling "disengaged."

A LOT was going on at this time with Sadie. There were some very low-points which gave way to new ways of understanding each other. As a family, she and I, we have a lot of work to do and it's going to take a lot of time and patience, but I see how our relationship could grow. It will never be "normal" simply because I gave birth to her when I was a child, but it can still be an extraordinary relationship (and it is).

Penny is growing and improving upon herself every day. She seems to have an awareness of her father but some kind of knowledge that he is not coming back. He will probably become some kind of mythical influence in her life. I don't think this is avoidable. The important thing is what kind of myth I teach her. Can I help her to find him as some sort of spiritual influence in her life.

This is huge, people. What do you think? At this point she mostly associates him with pictures and with her Spiderman plush toy. Is this healthy? Eventually I will get her into some kind of therapy, play therapy or whatnot when she's older because...God...how do you grow up without a father?