The problem with not updating often is that so much of life goes by without documenting any of the content and then when I finally do get around to writing entries they sort of stand out there alone, like naked bombshells. Instead of watching, or in this case reading, my life unfold in a sequence that makes sense, it appears that I am literally jumping from points A or B to some Martian coordinate.
The problem with updating often is that a lot of times I just don't have anything nice to say.
Don't get me wrong, I am hell-bent on enjoying motherhood no matter what. These girls are only going to be children once and the last thing they need is some batty widow of a mother living in the past and feeling sorry for herself and dragging them down with her. Judging by how quickly fifteen years has passed since the day Sadie was born, I'm expecting Penny to be wearing make-up and driving and causing trouble in the blink of an eye. It just goes too fast for me to waste any time not trying to enjoy it.
Right now the girls and I are at a point of comfort among each other. It hasn't been easy-we have had some very hard moments figuring out how to deal with ourselves and each other in Rob's absence. We are slowly finding ourselves and picking up the pieces. Very shortly my brother is going to be moving in with us, for better or for worse, which should make life interesting and hopefully a little bit easier. Probably a bit less lonely too.
You should know that before sitting down to the computer I was watching boxing on the Spanish channel. And before that I was watching Cops. And before that, Dr. G Medical Examiner. By myself. And now I'm contemplating finishing painting the bathroom OR...maybe doing some number and logic puzzles. So yeah, life is a little boring sometimes.
Also at this moment, ta-da, I am in the middle of a family feud that I need like a $!*#ing hole in the head. I really would rather not spell out the particulars here, but I would like to say that absolutely no one in the world has the right to scream in my face in front of any of my children. Naturally my anxiety level is off the charts because of this. I feel like for each step forward I make towards personal progress, something or other outside of myself drags me back a step or two.
There have been a lot of really strange things going on around here leading up to the latest debacle and I have been trying so hard to keep in mind that people get very confused and crazy by grief, but there comes a point where you really can't accept certain things, no matter what the reason is behind it. I hate to even discuss these things so obscurely because it's just not fair to the reader. Let me just say that all of this crap is just making me hate being in Florida more and more each day.
Big surprise? I painted beautiful pictures of how beautiful it is here and how friendly the people are but there are things of beauty in New Jersey and life is not made of cheery 10 second conversations in Dunkin Donuts alone. Every time I go anywhere I pass signs for places that Rob and I were supposed to visit. Every highway I get on leads to a place that we were supposed to find together. It is very depressing and makes me feel very bitter.
And then one day, after one or two fairly unbearable events occurred, I realized that, goddamn it, I am an adult woman with good career potential and the brains and will to coordinate just about goddamn anything I desire in life, plus having just inherited my husband's set of brass balls (because someone's gotta have them)...I realized that I don't have to stay here forever. Staying in Florida is optional.
What relief I felt when this revelation appeared!
In this day and age, people move all over the place all the time. This is what airplanes, trains, and cars are FOR. This is what the telephone and internet are FOR. I do not have to live here just because my family does. And people do not have to like my decision. This is not a requirement. This is my life, I'm presuming that it's the only one I've got even though I still cling to the very Buddhist idea of rebirth.
Well, how about if within this life of mine, I stage my own rebirth? It's really my job create my own happiness. No one else is going to do it for me.
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1 comment:
Hey, Liz - drop me a line and let me know what's going on. Just the "idea" of being trapped can make you hate a place, so that self confidence that just busted out is nothing but positive. You can move wherever you want, whenever you want.
That said, I know how hard it is to start over somewhere new and even with family around, it sure takes time to settle in, to even decide whether or not the place is for you. So try to relax and check it out with your new perspective.
Even though there are things about Baltimore that I cherish, there is still no place like home to me. I used to be ashamed of that, but I've owned it. You just can't help that sort of thing.
Finally, I *hate* hearing that somebody screamed at you. In front of your children. IT makes me nauseous.
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