What I Want

Preface: Things are good. Nothing is terrible right now. In a way I know that I have either everything I need, or at least everything I need right now.

I am 3 sessions deep into this therapy thing and it's good I suppose but it definitely feels like work or some sort. So far I have only good thoughts and feelings about my therapist. He's an older man, gentle and kind in many ways but he also feels very down-to-earth, using expressions like "this sucks" or "bullshit" and such. Oddly (or not) this makes me feel more comfortable. Probably because I am a raging potty-mouth.

I do get a bit tense around Monday or Tuesday because my sessions are on Thursdays. There is always at least one very teary moment. I like to think that these are the moments where we are hitting home in a way, where some sort of progress is being made.

I find the process fascinating. I see the trust building and it's a little bit daunting but it also makes me feel very hopeful. I think a lot of what we are doing now is very task oriented-there are clearly certain things that need to occur before I can move on from this phase and we are identifying them together. However, with my mastery of the art of procrastination, this is difficult. I do have my work cut out for me.

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So I really wanted to list a few things here after that I would like to achieve when the I'm able to clear through the greater portion of the muck that I dwell in has been dredged away.

I want my own home again. I want to share my home with those I love and enjoy. I want my home to be an open and welcoming environment. I have this before and I can do it again.

I want to have completely integrated Rob's life and death into my own life and not have it weigh like an anchor on my soul any longer.

I want to be the best parent I possibly can be to my girls.

I want to be able to view life as a series of ups and downs and not take the downs so damn personally.

I want to be able to communicate with anyone, my own personal truths and needs, and not shy away from confrontation. I want to not fear causing people displeasure or disappointment with the decisions I make in my best interests. I want to do all of this in the most loving and respectful way.

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I have tons and tons of things to be thankful for. I have sustained loss. I am no longer in survival mode. I am in living mode.