Jean, and everyone else...

Can I rip this off, straight out your blog?

"The right way to wholeness is made up of fateful detours and wrong turnings." CG Jung

I am sorry I missed your birthday. I am sorry I missed everyone's birthday. Can I say that I am probably the worst friend that anyone ever had?

I think of everyone, EVERYONE, on a daily basis. I include everyone in my prayers and in my rosaries. I know you think of me too, but the words are hard to find. But my thoughts...you are all in my thoughts.

I've given up on a normal life. But a special life...well that's what I think I am living. I just want everyone to know that even if I'm falling short on being the friend that everyone deserves, well, I am thinking of all of you. You are all in my hearts, not just for being my friends but for being there for me in your own way during my time of devastation.

Things aren't always all bad. I have some nice days here and there. I have some inspiration here and there. I keep telling myself that I have a lot to look forward too. I keep telling myself that I will pull it together and be a better friend to everyone who has supported me during my darkest hours.

But the anxiety that grips me most of the time---the meds can only do so much and prayer helps me for little while. What else is there? I have 2 healthy daughters and I myself am in semi-decent health and my dogs are a comfort and Facebook has been fun. But as a widow, I have countless and endless tasks. I am sorry I can't be there like I want to be for the wonderful people in my life.

I shun fun. I almost want no part of it until I return to my home. I resist any of the beautiful things I can do down here for either sleep or work on my home. I don't want to meet anyone new. I don't want to see what's beautiful around me. I fixate on returning to my home. I obsess over returning to my old job. I fixate on New Jersey, the place where I was born and feel I belong.

If you're reading this and I know you, trust me, I love you. If I don't communicate as frequently as I should, it is my fault, not yours. I have no idea how long I can continue committing the faux pas of not writing back when I should, not congratulating you on your successes, or empathizing with your setbacks. Basically, I am still partially crippled by my losses and still trying to make sense of what has fallen upon me and the girls.

However, I will continue praying for our triumph over our loss. I will keep moving forward with the only plans that give me hope. Do not think of me as a lost cause. I am a Scorpio and my life is supposed to be filled with re-birth after re-birth.

I love you ALL.

And lastly, I will give you some DMB lyrics to reflect upon:

When I step into the light
My arms are open wide
When I step into the light
My eyes searching wildly
Would you not like to be
Sitting on top of the world with
Your legs hanging free
Would you not like to be ok, ok, ok?

When I'm walking by the water
Splish splash me and you takin a bath
When I'm walking by the water
Come up through my toes
To my ankles
To my head
To my soul
And I'm blown away

I can't believe that we would
Lie in our graves
Wondering if we had
Spent our living days well
I can't believe that we would
Lie in our graves
Dreaming of things that we
Might have been

Would you not like to be
I can't believe that you
Would not like to be
Would you not like to be Ok, ok, ok

***

That's what I want, for all of us to at least be Ok.

xoxoxox