Weekend Update

This weekend was quite pleasant. On Friday night I went to Chili's with the realtor to look over a contract, sign it, and discuss the plans of the next week or so regarding the house. In the end, I think I got a pretty good price and that if the inspection go well this is going to be a very good investment. Most importantly, it's going to make a good home.

The color from the outside is very pleasing to me. It is a muted teal color, more on the green side. It is a nice cool color, but it's very saturated, not too pastel. It is a one story stucco home with some nice, curvy architectural details. But with very clean lines and pretty much no intricacies like trim or anything. The landscaping is all pretty mature, the grass is thick, and there is shade. My hopefully-future-home has some trees with Spanish moss and a retention canal in the back.

As soon as my name is on the deed I will post pictures. Until then, please deal with the minute details that I love about this place. I am finally feeling pretty excited about it and want to share!

I am very pleased with the tile work in that house. The common areas have nice 18" tiled floors and the bathrooms all have good tile work in the showers and tub. I have spotted some wallpaper that's going to need removal but I have done this SO MANY TIMES that I feel like it's just something that has to happen when you move in to a place.

Usually it starts with me staring at the seams in the paper and getting slightly annoyed by it in a subconscious way until I find myself picking at the seam with my fingernail and before you know it-well, you better get yourself a can of primer, some paint, some big sponges and solution to wipe off the paper backing left behind. It is a pretty messy and fairly annoying project but in the end it is very gratifying. The paper is gone, you've washed the walls down like a baby's bottom so it couldn't possibly be cleaner, and you have a beautifully painted room.

I did this all throughout the Wood-Ridge house, even well into my pregnancy with Penny. Rob came home one day and the wallpaper in our bedroom was just gone. I was about 6 months pregnant, up on a ladder, finishing off the last pieces near the ceiling when he discovered what I had been up to all day. It was probably around this time 2 years ago.

I knew that it was time to do it because I was still somewhat agile and the air was very crisp and I knew it would dry out the room quickly. Besides, once the baby came it would be too late, plus it would be in the middle of winter. And then I knew that once the weather got better, it would time for surgery. We were pretty sure we wanted to move after he recovered so it was the right time and I just felt like pulling all of the wallpaper off the walls. And it was so worth it. We painted the room a peach color, my idea of course. Rob wasn't really a big lover of the color peach, but it worked. We got some striped orange bedding and with our very dark wood furniture it looked pretty awesome. We had two big windows with sheer beige curtains and orange valences, a picture hung between them-a black framed print of Andrew Wyeth's Master Bedroom.

What a beautiful room. Sometimes I can't stand thinking that I'll never be back in that room ever again. It still feels so familiar-carrying a laundry basket into it, chasing dust bunnies out of its corners, putting away our clothes, or straightening up Rob's shoes.

Today!

Ok, the disclaimer: I had a beer and two glasses of wine at Johnny Carino's...SO...I will try to keep this brief to avoid foot-in-mouth sydrome, but I just needed to blog about this day because it has been sort of monumental.

First, I made a formal offer on a house today that has already produced a little bit of favorable feedback from the seller's real estate agent, but I will probably not know the full scoop until today or tomorrow. When the deal is done I will post pics of the house and more details. Until then, keep you fingers crossed for me because this IS the house I would like to live in and play Martha Stewart with for the next 10 or 15 years.

Second, as mentioned earlier, I had dinner at Johnny Carino's this evening. Sadly, Johnny's is going out of business. All Johnny Carino's will be closing on Friday and re-opening months from now under a different name by the parent company. This makes me quite sad because this was the restaurant that my late husband ate his very last meal-baked tortelloni (large tortellini) and he enjoyed a nice evening with his parents, reminscing over the Wood-Ridge house and just having a real nice time with them. I have been going here once or twice every week in his honor and I am really, really sad that this will be put on hiatus for a long time.

Please, if you ever eat a good, fresh ravioli or nice piece of really fresh mozzarella cheese, pause to think of this man because few things in life made him as happy as very simple and fresh Italian food.

And third, tonight is the one hour season premier of The Office. I have been living off of anticipation for the new season of this show for the past week now. I am have fantasizing about the possibilities and potential plot twists for a while. I just can't WAIT to see a full hour of these office shenanigans!

What is going to happen with Jim and Pam?

Is Roy going to resurface and whoop Jim's ass?

Are Dwight and Angela going to make their office love affair known to their coworkers? Or are they going to grow even more secretive?

("NO COOKIE!" "But what if I'm hungry?")

Do Kelly and Ryan stay together or does he finally just ditch her? Oh, she'd be a wreak, but she'd get over it!

And Michael----ahh, Michael Scott, man who combines my two personal favorite names into one twisted Regional Manager-Michael, now that you've got Jan, are you sure you really wanted such a crazy, Martini-driven vixen in the first place? HAHAHAHAH!

Todd Packer? Will we see more of you? Will you make a cameo or two? I loved you in Anchorman and I love you even more as Todd Packer.

I'm thinking about all of the awesome characters on that show-Phyllis and Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration, Stanley, Creed-you old hippie pervert-I love you!, Toby-the scapegoat for Michael's quiet rage, Oscar, and all of the guys in the warehouse. I miss all of these characters that would make me laugh like crazy every Thursday night, comfortably from my old spot on the couch in my Wood-Ridge house, with my husband and daughter and their bowls of ice cream.

Laughing Together

I am having a kid-free morning and loving it! Is that an awful thing to say, as a mom? I don't think so.

My inlaws took Penny with them when they came to pick up Sadie for school. This was at 7 am. I have been enjoying the blessing which is ALONE TIME so much. It is pretty rare these days, I can get it when I need it but I always feel guilty asking. However, when it's someone else's idea I feel no shame at all!

After they left, I promptly finished up taking care of the dogs and left the house for the YMCA. I went on the treadmill for a bit and burned some calories. I still feel a little bit-OK, VERY-awkward there but it is getting better. I think tomorrow I might take a beginner's cycling class since Penny is going with her grandmother for the morning to some kind of toddler thing at the church my father-in-law works at.

WOO HOO! TWO DAYS IN A ROW OF FREE MORNING TIME! CAN I GET A WITNESS!

One of my favorite pleasures in life right now is listening to the Steve Harvey morning show. This is good radio. I love talk radio, but kind of got sick of Stern a couple of years ago when he moved to satellite. I am not too keen on most morning radio talk shows because they are just too...I don't know...stupid, I guess.

Steve Harvey seems like a good guy and pokes fun at a lot of things but isn't venomous. Plus, they play a lot of R&B in between bits and without getting into it too much here, I am starting to like R&B again. LOL. What, that's not cool? I like dramatic lyrics, OK?

My favorite part of the show that I try to hear every morning while driving around, drinking my Dunkin Donuts coffee and feeding the baby bagels from the driver's seat is when they read a fan's letter asking for advice about a particular life topic. It's very juicy! The problems are always very personal and really serious-like marriage, divorce, family, children, abuse, whatever. It's not so much Jerry Springer-type issues with the cross-dressing, gender-bending issues. These are problems that real people have, people who are trying to live intelligently and do some good.

I love the way Steve Harvey addresses these problems and answers these people. He cuts right to the chase and tells it exactly like it is and sort of gives a verbal ass beating when it's called for. He's never mean or nasty, he's just real. I think if I ever need a verbal ass beating I am going to write the show a letter with my issue and just follow his advice.

I think the best part of this routine is that some of the things on the show actually make me laugh out loud, which the baby loves, and mimics in return. She has no idea why I'm laughing, but that doesn't matter. All that matters is that we are laughing together.

Tomorrow my realtor and I are going out to look at a home for a second time. I am bringing my father-in-law along so that he can look at it and assess whether or not there are any structural or related issues lurking around the corner. Sometimes I tend to miss these things. Of course I would have an inspection done if I buy it, but I'd like to just skip this process if, say, the hot water heater is ready to burst or the roof is ready to cave in.

The house is very pleasing, aesthetically, and it's on just enough property for a single mom like me to handle. The lot is about 1/3 of an acre but it's very private in the back, coming up to a retention canal and facing a small conservation area across the street. The neighbors on one side have a nice, white vinyl privacy fence. I sure hope the neighbors on the other side won't mind if I put one up too! I'm going to have to, for everyone's sake, with these noisy dogs of mine.

The other house that I am interested in if this one doesn't pan out is very nice too. It's on a little bit more property, 1/2 an acre, with a good fence and lots of trees in the backyard. This house is vacant and very clean on the inside.

This is all very exciting but it's very sad for me too. I have never had to make a decision this large before regarding money and property-alone at least. I can get my father's input, and I can bring my father-in-law along, but ultimately, this is going to be my house, it is a big investment and commitment and it's definitely a very odd feeling being in the driver's seat.

***

Aside from all of that, I think the lime is almost ready to be picked. Jon and Mariela will be in town over the weekend so maybe I can find a way to share it with them, if it is in fact ready to be picked. There are many limes on the tree, but this one by far is the nicest. It's big and plump and just starting to give a little bit under my fingers when I squeeze it. I am half-tempted to buy a very small bottle of very good tequila and just leaving the girls with my inlaws and having a little tequila tasting at my humble abode. Maybe by then, I'll know where my next permanent residence will be. That'll be something worth celebrating.

Yeah, I think that's what I'll do.

Florida Wildlife

Photos, photos, photos

I have been wanting to use the camera, but the batteries have been dead for a long time. As a reasonably intelligent human being I probaby could've solved this problem a long time ago but I am intermittently paralyzed by inertia. Since Sadie and I were going to Ybor City today I decided to apply myself to this minor problem, and voila, fully charged batteries and pictures taken!

I almost gave up on uploading any pictures at all until I pressed forward a tiny bit and found the cable that connects the camera to the computer. More success. Here are some pics. Many are not of very good quality but I figured they are worth a look anyway.

The Girls

Old Kitchen

Old Lady

Shirley Temple

Messy

Evie

Winnie Carlos Winnie

A Little Blurry

Lovey Dove

Some More Words for Today

It almost feels selfish not to say something about what day it is today. Here we are on the sixth anniversary of 9/11 and no one really seems to know what to do about today. Should we mourn as a country, should we move on, what should we do.

Well, damned if I know that answer to that, but I don't think it should ever just go back to being an ordinary day.

The best thing that I can do on 9/11 is to reflect on what was going on in my life and how the events of that day affected me and to feel compassion for the multitude of people who were affected in the worst ways possible. I didn't lose any loved ones to 9/11 but I'm very sorry for the people who did. Such a terrible act of hatred. There's really no way to make any sense out of it that I can see and I just hope that all of those souls and all of their families are finding some kind of peace with the passage of time.

What I remember about that day, in my own very insignificant way is as follows:

I had been living at my parents' house for the millionth and hopefully last time for about 6 months. I sought solace there after a rather heated and violent ending to a dead-end relationship. I had started my prerequisite courses for my nursing degree and life was fairly easy. I was working as a CNA at Littlebrook Nursing Home in Califon-a lovely small facility in the rolling hills of New Jersey, where Hunterdon, Morris, and Warren counties meet.

Rob and I had just met a few weeks prior to this date. We had been emailing and talking on the phone for a little while before we met. I was absolutely head over heels in love with him and trying to figure out how to A) make him aware that I WAS THE ONE, and B) not freak him out with my manic, almost stalker-like habits regarding falling in love. My stomach was in a constant state of semi-nauseousness, I couldn't sleep, I was giddy, I was a little on the manic side-all positive symptoms of me falling in love.

I literally could've talked to him on the phone 24 hours a day if he was game for this. I absolutely couldn't get enough of him. Life was beautiful because I had found an amazing person to pour romantic love towards. He wasn't scared of the idea of dating a single mom and he was very interested in me as a person.

Beautiful.

That Tuesday I dropped Sadie off at school and went for my usual cruise. Let it be known that I am very fond of long drives, cruising, getting lost and then finding my way back home. So this was what I was doing, although there was no getting lost even if I tried. And I did. Mostly I would listen to music or Howard Stern. That morning I must have been listening to music because I didn't hear the news on the radio. Most likely I was listening to Smashing Pumpkins. It would just fit the picture.

I stopped at the Walmart in Clinton for something and I remember thinking it was kind of strange to see a group of about five or six managers kind of huddled around, hearing one say "I don't think it was random." There was a gravity to his voice, when mixed with these words just seemed quite dark to me. The impression was fleeting, so I paid and left.

When I got home, my brother Jon was awake, on the phone, and the TV was on. Considering the fact that he was awake before noon, I became a little bit concerned. My best friend at the time, Tamara, was on the phone and giving him the frightening news that something really awful was happening in New York, in real time.

At that point the first tower had been struck and no one really knew what in the world was happening. My brother and I retreated to the deck out back momentarily. The sky was clear, the weather perfect. When we came back inside, the second tower had just been struck. It was quite obvious that this was intentional. It seemed like minute by minute some new and awful thing was happening. The Pentagon, the plane crashing in Pennsylvania.

I called Sadie's school and was told that they really didn't have any specific disaster plan. The secretary told me if I would like to pick her up that would be fine. Darn tootin' I'd like to pick her up. It's the fucking end of the world, thank you.

I tried to call my mom, I tried to call my dad, I tried to call Rob. All circuits busy. For a LONG time. Just my luck, I meet the guy of my dreams and it's the end of the goddamn world. If you know my abysmal history with relationships you'll get the humor in that.

Thank you God, for not making it really be the end of the world. For me though, on that day, it truly felt like it could've been. I've never been so frightened by anything in my life, at least not in a global sense. Over the next couple of days not a plane was to be seen in the sky. Everyone I knew or knew of made it out of the city and back home unscathed. The little country airport by my parents' house let no planes into the sky for quite a while. The air was simply inhabited by the birds and insects while everyone tried to make sense of it all.

***

Some pics for your enjoyment:

At work, looking cute, with a really nice shirt (I love a man who wears good shirts)

Pleased as Punch

My Girls

***

Do I always have to hear that song "How to Save a Life" by the Fray when it is totally inconvenient to just break down and cry? How long is this going to go on for? I mean, can I please just go in to Staples and buy my things without hearing this song and having to walk around really, really slow, and try not to cry (which is impossible) and not even be able to concentrate on what I'm supposed to by, much less where these things are located while I can't even see with the tears in my eyes, lump in my throat, and my new friend named Nausea?

Is that a run-on sentence or an obnoxiously long rhetorical question?

The Eternal Search for Answers

I hope that in twenty years when I look back on this time I'll feel confident that I did the best I could. I'm trying to tune every step I take to fit that wish. Most tasks are slow-going and I've found that I really can't do much more than perform one or two administrative tasks and unpack one or two boxes every day. Some days I only get a fraction of that done. Between toddler-tending, desperately trying to meet the needs of a fourteen year-old daughter, and maybe just trying to do one good thing for myself each day (mentally or physically) I have my hands full.

And the dogs! Don't forget the dogs! They have needs too. Mostly they just need lots and lots of love and affection. They have been SO good these days, getting along famously without a bit of friction. The good thing about the dogs is that when I've exhausted Sadie and Penny's quota of doting I can turn to them. They are bottomless pits when it comes to receiving all of the extra love I have right now. In return they give me their silly dog smiles (um, yeah, dogs DO smile) and can dish out every little bit that they can take.

Desperately I look for meaning in everything-in my environment, in my interactions with people, in dreams, in the things I read, and the songs I listen to. I stretch my imagination to its limits. I have returned to the younger version of myself-the one that looks for signs in everything, who talks to spiders and birds, who believes that thunder is God's way of letting me know he's still there.

Lately...

We are starting to form some kind of routine. This is the only way to survive. Without the girls I think I would be a total mess-undisciplined, nocturnal, drunk, and probably suffering from poor hygiene. With the girls I make meals, loosely adhere to a sleeping schedule, find reasons to smile, and occasionally crack the whip.

People ask how I'm doing and my basic response is: up and down. This is true. There are moments when I am lost in total despair and then there are moments when I am totally confident that I will remake our lives into something that is happy and full of meaning.

There is a lime tree in my backyard with ten or twelves limes ripening on it. I keep on checking the biggest one every day and it still feels too firm to pick. I know nothing about growing fruit, but maybe I'll learn a little bit more about that through this tree.

Penny has taken to climbing on top of the dining room table every time I'm not looking. She likes to shake the salt and pepper shakers. This morning she got to the table while I was doing something and broke a bowl that I had in the middle of the table. I was nice, part of my Noritake Colorwave set, a large, shallow bowl that I used to serve vegetables or pasta during holidays and other special dinners. She cut her thumb while doing this. It's just a small cut but it was bleeding a lot. She ripped off the first band aid and started bleeding again. We're having more success with the second band aid.

Sadie is doing pretty well in school and with friends. She's tending the rabbit that my father-in-law found and it appears to be thriving. We are anxiously awaiting her new bedroom furniture. She has a lot more homework than she is used to but she's taking it like a champ. If she keeps her GPA in a decent range she will be eligible for a trip to Germany with her German class in April. It's really nice for her to have something like that to look forward to.

We are also getting ready for my sister-in-law's wedding. The three of us got our dresses, had them fitted for minor alterations, and just need to pick them up about a week before the wedding. In the meantime, I need to watch what I eat so I can look as awesome as possible in this dress.

Which leads me to another thing-we all joined the YMCA. I haven't actually gone and used the facilities yet but I can see it in my future. Perhaps we'll go this weekend. They have a child care area that will watch children for 90 minutes while you do whatever it is you do there. I am very interested in taking spin classes. I heard that it's intense and burns a lot of calories. I like the fact that I won't have to actually jump around with other human beings. I am not ready for that yet. At any rate, it looks very clean and everyone seems very friendly.

Time to start another weekend. I really have no internal distinction between weekdays and weekends. It's all a blur to me. In some ways it feels like only yesterday that Rob passed away-so much of my feelings are still very fresh. Every morning when I wake up I feel so sad that I will not see him today. Then I realize that it's been five weeks. Still close, but yet so far from the last time I ever saw him.

Sending a prayer into the atmosphere
Answered by the crickets and the frogs
The air responds to me
Wrapping around this soul of mine
An equal exchange, give and take
As the warmth comes into me
Mingling briefly with all my tiny pieces
And swiftly retreats back to home

Today is our anniversary. Four years ago today Rob and I got married. I started this post by typing "today would've been our four year anniversary." The italics I have just added as an after thought. I deleted that line and rewrote it. It is still is our anniversary.

Not would've been, but is.

It is impossible to really celebrate this day, at least today, but I can honor it. I started by cleaning my engagement ring. I haven't done this for months and months and it had accumulated all kinds of gunk around the area where the stone meets the setting. Months-worth of soap residue, latex glove powder, hand lotion, and whatever else lurks beneath had gathered underneath the diamond and it didn't sparkle as brightly as it should have.

So I got myself some jewelry cleaner and soaked it and scrubbed it. It's much better. I love this ring as much now as the day I got it and maybe even a little bit more. Any ring would've been a lovely choice but he put so much thought into this particular ring that it breaks my heart to look at it again and think of it's story.

The way I was told was this: JH went with him to the diamond district in New York and he was able to hand select the stone which is just a perfectly round cut diamond just a hair over one karat. It was a loose stone among others that he selected for whatever reason, probably a combination of price, size, cut. He decided to have it placed by itself in a simple Tiffany setting on white gold. If you know me, you know that this solitaire arrangement is exactly what I am about.

A few months before that he asked me a few vague questions about what kind of rings I liked and what I pictured an ideal engagement ring to be. He also took me into a jewelry store and had my finger sized. This lead me to believe that something really good was headed down the road, but I maintained my patience and never pressed him for anything. He surely must have known how much I loved him and wanted to be with him forever without me having to nag him for a ring or drag him into jewelry stores pointing out what I liked.

All I ever told him was that as far as rings go, I preferred solitaires with one really good stone. Because of my profession I needed something easy to don and remove gloves and to keep clean. I am also a simple person with very simple wants and needs-the ring really fit me perfectly. I feel like it also fit our relationship perfectly. I see it as a symbol of us. It is one singular, beautiful thing.

Four years ago it was a lovely day for a wedding. Together, we did a fine job of coordinating the event in five month's time. Our determination was to throw the best party that either of us had ever put together. I really think we pulled it off.

There are so many more memories I could pull out regarding August 23, 2003 but I will have to revisit them another time. The baby is finally napping and I have to find something productive to do. Task lists are weighing heavily in mind and deadlines are breathing down my neck. Until I return to this topic, enjoy a picture or two or three...

A scan, not the best quality, but I will never get over the look on his face. So happy.

Getting ready for the big event with JH

Honeymoon in Cozumel

I don't even know where to begin with this post.

Or with life.

I have so much unfinished business to take care of. On the other hand I have rushed through so many vital tasks that I can hardly catch my breath. We are in the middle of major, life-changing shit here people.

For starters, Sadie started high school yesterday. She was worried sick about it the night before. So was I. That morning was a little rough getting organized. Somehow we managed to get there on time.

When she got out of the car I told her I loved her, as is my habit. She told me she loved me too and shut the door behind her. As she rushed off to homeroom I watched her for a few moments and then felt so acutely lonely. This was a moment that someone else would've liked to have been there for too. I let a few tears go, but the baby was in the backseat and she needed breakfast.

Turns out that Sadie had two good days of school in a row. She is taking German and Geography as her electives and the rest of the classes are just the usual required courses. She has made a few friends. She told me today that she "loved" this school. This helps to mend my broken heart just a little bit.

Also, friends help mend my broken heart a little bit too. I have had some good visitors, good email, good conversations, good communication in general. I've had one or two bits of drama but I cannot let things like that overshadow the good will and intentions that have been poured into our lives.

And it reminds me that people are mostly good.

Taking it One Day at a Time

Today was the first quiet day we had in a long time. I took a ride around the neighborhood and it's not so bad. I took a walk around 2 o'clock but it was pretty hot so I cut it short.

I think swamp ass was invented in Florida.

But by the same token I like it hot outside. Everything feels very alive and thriving down here. There's a lot of green wherever I look. Lawns are wide and trees are dripping with Spanish moss. What do they live off of? Tree bark and humidity I guess. Lizards crawl all over the lanai screens and sidewalks during the day. Frogs are abundant at night. Sometimes I spot sand cranes in pairs in the backyard here.

Also, the people are nice. In the drive through and at the stores they call me honey and I think they actually mean it. If a stranger were to call me honey up in Bergen County I'd either be running for my life or in a rage over their sarcasm. But here-I think they actually mean it. And I miss being called honey so I will not only put up with it but cherish it too.

St. Petersburg Times Article

The St. Pete times ran a nice piece on Rob with a beautiful picture that I knew he would've liked. He had commented many times "damn, I look good in this picture." The online article doesn't feature the picture and there will come a time when that online piece either expires or otherwise becomes unavailable so I just wanted to put it all together in one place where it will always be accessible. I'm pretty sure that everyone reading this blog has already read the article, which isn't 100% historically accurate but it's still a really nice tribute and I'm very thankful to the author Andrew Meacham for doing a very nice job.

Human trivia bank embraced computers, '80s songs
By ANDREW MEACHAM, Times Staff Writer-Published August 7, 2007

He might never have moved to Florida.

Rob Shaw liked the house in Wood-Ridge, N.J. It was a place where he and his wife could bring up their two daughters. But at the end of the walkthrough, his Tourette's syndrome kicked in. The sudden tics and utterances took the Realtor by surprise.

"Oh, do you have that strange disease?" she asked.

Rob told the Realtor he would rather die than buy a house from her.

He found a warmer welcome in Spring Hill near his parents.

Shaw and his wife had recently picked out a house. They were set to close on the home soon and planned to celebrate by touring Florida: driving to the Panhandle, then to the Everglades and finally hitting South Beach.

They never got the chance.

Shaw died Thursday at his parents' home in Spring Hill. He was 37. Last year he had heart surgery.

As a student teacher at Jersey City State University, Shaw had briefly managed to get inner-city high school students engaged in Hamlet.

But he passed on a teaching career and found a niche in computers. He had thousands of '80s songs in his iPod. A human trivia bank, Shaw inhaled movies, often lacing his conversation with lines from Tombstone, Die Hard, Porky's or American Pie.

He was a diminutive neatnik at 5-foot-4 who favored khakis and Polo shirts. He took out everyday frustrations with rants that reminded co-workers of George Costanza in Seinfeld. He needled them, too, sometimes hurting feelings, but making up for it later.

"The humor was not to cover his Tourette's," said Robert Lotz, who worked with Shaw at a marketing company. "But the attention was already on him. Instead of people staring at him or feeling sorry for him, he wanted to connect with people."

Shaw liked surprises. He proposed to his wife by hiding a solitaire diamond in a plate of fruit. And when she passed her nursing boards, he gave her a Dalmatian puppy.

"My life was chaotic before I met him," said Elizabeth Shaw, 32. "He brought a safety and peace and the hope that everything would always be okay."

The moving truck with all of their belongings arrives tomorrow.

Andrew Meacham can be reached at 661-2431 or mailto:ameacham@sptimes.com.%3C/p%3E%3Cp%3E%3Cp%3E.biography%3C/p%3E%3Cp%3ERobert

Biography

Robert Alan Shaw III
Born: March 23, 1970
Died: Aug. 2, 2007
Survivors: A wife, Elizabeth; daughters Sadie and Penelope; parents, Robert and Audrey Shaw; a sister, Nicole Shaw; and grandfathers Robert Shaw and Nicholas Lisanti. Donations should go to the Tourette Syndrome Association, accessible online at www.tsa-usa.org/; or the Harvard Brain Tissue Resource Center, www.brainbank.mclean.org/.

A Review

I was re-reading some of this blog just now and going over the last one I wrote in NJ before the teary train ride to FL. In a way the subject matter in the beginning of that entry pains me to read-talking about my old aspiration to be a mortician and then how I wound up caring for the departed later on in life anyway. How cold it might seem to some people. I'm not really here to apologize for that because it is what it is and anyone who knows me knows I am not a cold person. Still, I wanted to make it clear that that sort of work is really an act of love-at least, it was on my part. I know that is a difficult concept to convey, but it is true.

But still, when I wrote that entry, how innocent I was to the heartache that comes from this kind of experience. And I can't help but feel chills regarding the timing. Chills.

I have talked with a few people about the coldness I felt when I found out about Robert's passing. A blast of coldness and my blood literally turned to ice. That is the only way I can describe it. I wish I could erase it from my memory. I wish I could just banish it and make it go away.

Now this is the paragraph where one usually shows the brighter side or the blessing in disguise. I am afraid that that is probably going to elude me for quite some time. However, I will say that everyone's support and good wishes and positive vibes are keeping me afloat. This may be the worst thing I have ever experienced, but I try to remind myself that the children are healthy, I have a roof over my head, and a lot of good guidance from those older and wiser than me.


Robert was my Doc Holliday. He was my Captain Miller. He was my huckleberry.

Now I just have to earn it.

(JH, Thank you in advance for allowing me to blatantly rip off a few very beautiful things you said about Robert in his eulogy. You are a daisy...)

The Best of Times

Ocean City

The Pool in Spring Hill

Better Together

by Jack Johnson

There's no combination of words

I could put on the back of a postcard

No song that I could sing

But I can try for your heart

Our dreams, and they are made out of real things

Like a, shoebox of photographs

With sepiatone loving

Love is the answer,

At least for most of the questions in my heart

Like why are we here? And where do we go?And how come it's so hard?

It's not always easy and

Sometimes life can be deceiving

I'll tell you one thing it's always better when we're together

It's always better when we're together

Yeah, we'll look at the stars when we're together

Well, it's always better when we're together

Yeah, it's always better when we're together

And all of these moments

Just might find their way into my dreams tonight

But I know that they'll be gone

When the morning light sings

And brings new things

For tomorrow night you see

That they'll be gone too

Too many things I have to do

But if all of these dreams might find their way

Into my day to day scene

I'd be under the impression

I was somewhere in between

With only two

Just me and you

Not so many things we got to do

Or places we got to be

We'll sit beneath the mango tree now

It's always better when we're together

We're somewhere in between together

Well, it's always better when we're together

Yeah, it's always better when we're together

I believe in memories

They look so, so pretty when I sleep

Hey now, and when I wake up,

You look so pretty sleeping next to me

But there is not enough time,

And there is no, no song I could sing

And there is no combination of words I could say

But I will still tell you one thing

We're better together

Tagging Myself

Jean posted this on her blog yesterday. I cannot resist things like this. Too bad my other 2 readers aren't bloggers. I know f0r sure that their 8 random facts would be a very good read.

I've been tagged by “You-know-who-you-are-and-you-know-what-you-did!”

Here are the rules:

1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

Random Facts and Habits about Liz:

1. I seriously contemplated being a mortician when I was too young to even know what goth was. I wasn't even trying to be cool, I actually wanted to do this until my father told me that he couldn't live with the idea of me washing a dead man's penis.

2. I have gone on to wash more dead men's penises than I can remember...for, like, way less money than a mortician.

3. To me, the best smell in the world is the smell of amniotic fluid and newborn baby all mixed together. I wish they made a perfume that smelled exactly like it.

4. Once in nursing school, I had to pick up an obstetrician's yarmulke and put it back on his head when it got knocked off by a forceful jet of amniotic fluid. That was kind of wild.

5. When I was a child, about 8 or 9, there was a good 6-month period of time where I became obsessed with even numbers and symmetry. I would tap one leg and be compelled to tap the other. I would move one hand and have to do the same movement with the other hand. I would think a thought, then think it again to keep everything even. I guess I was stressed out or something.

6. I enjoy cleaning up really big, bad messes-if they don't belong to me. I have often thought about abandoning my career for work in cleaning up really awful messes-the kind where you need to don biohazard suits. I could also see myself successfully running a very nice ice cream parlor.

7. I love every fruit and vegetable known to mankind.

8. Like a true Scorpio, I thrive on change. I enjoy creation and destruction. Beginnings and endings. I get bored in the middle.

Resolutions

We've all hear of New Year's resolutions, and yeah, I made a few this year that I've loosely adhered to. They include:

• Gossip Less-I've kind of failed miserably at this
• Lose Weight-I've done this, thank you very much, but I'm not done yet
• And something else that I can't think of at the moment

How about some relocation resolutions?

• Exercise more
• Reach my goal weight within the next year
• Read more
• Write more
• Get a new tattoo over my old tattoo

Today was a great day. I wasn't nearly as productive at work as I should have been. It's hard to concentrate. I get side-tracked easily. I get wrapped up in conversations that I don't want to bring to an end. I want to cram every bit of friendship and dialogue into each moment that I possibly can. Chances are high that I might not see any of these good people again.

I have a goal for one day next week and I hope to fulfill it. For years now I've been wanting to photograph certain areas of Hackensack that I feel really attached to, places I don't want to forget. They aren't necessarily the most beautiful sights in the world and my camera skills are very much limited to pointing and clicking. Still, these places have a special meaning to me and I should capture a few shots before I go.

More Reminiscence

This week is turning out to be quite manic. Not only in the running around like crazy sense, but in the swinging pendulum of emotion sense. I have been talking too much, but not enough. I have been missing New Jersey as I stand in the middle of it. I have been thrilled with the idea of basking in the warmth of Florida, yet in the back of my mind have been terrified of the hurricanes I am bound to endure.

And I've been using the word "I" way too much.

Explaining to my clients that this will be my last week has been very emotional for me and for some of them too. They're used to staff turnovers, but that's no consolation. Some of them seem genuinely upset to see me go and they've been letting me know. And I can't help but feel a pang of guilt when I explain my situation, that I'm going to go live happily ever after with my beautiful family 1000 miles away so we can all be together. I feel so incredibly fortunate to be able to do so, but it feels kind of awful explaining this to people who, for the most part, have very strained family ties. In many cases this agency is the best family they've ever had and it hurts to leave that.

*******

On a different note, I dug up some goodies from the past that I'd like to share:

From PA with Love

A little too into fire-building, perhaps? Bet you didn't know that I was more than a novice fire-starter.

I will always be very proud of this fire creation. We used a huge cardboard tube to craft this baby. Save all the big cardboard tubes you ever come across and wow your friends with a fire tunnel. Go ahead, take the credit for the idea!

Sisters-in-law gone wild

A cool pic of me and JH

Running at approximately 25% capacity

Recalling and Building Intensity

I've moved around a bit. It all started when I was an infant. We moved to Washington State when I was a baby so that my dad could attend Gonzaga Law School. I don't remember that move because I was so young, but earliest memories start to take shape there. I do remember leaving and a few subsequent visits that followed.

We came back to New Jersey shortly before kindergarten began. Relatives who remembered me and not necessarily vice versa welcomed us back, acted like people who knew me in a past life. I think that might be where my fascination with reincarnation began. Surely I had seen this kind people before, but where? when? Answer: my infancy.


Through various apartments in Central Jersey to our first house in Kendall Park to our last house in Alexandria Township to now, I have had a lot of practice with breaking my life down to it's basic elements, sorting, filing through, discarding, and neatly fitting it all together. I know that books are heavy and they go in small boxes and that you can use your socks to fill in the gaps in between your fragile items. I know how to configure my personal items together like a jigsaw puzzle. I know that it's a really good idea to be liberal with the packing tape and to reinforce the box on the bottom before even loading it up.

After leaving the family home in Alexandria I wandered over to Phillipsburg and back to Alexandria on several occasions. The last residence I had in P'burg was not half bad actually, one of my better apartments. My boyfriend at the time and I had the top 2 floors of a 3 story home with 3 entire bedrooms, 2 whole baths, a cute kitchen, a balcony overlooking our quiet street, an extra loft-type room, lots of closets, and full use of the basement for laundry and hanging clothes. Oh yeah, plus a garage. And the yard was good.

But even all of that space, for $750/month, no less, couldn't save the situation.

I returned home for the last time. We kind of made it work. I enjoyed cooking dinners for my family and being in a very comfortable house with all the trimmings but try living with your parents after years of carrying on your own stupid life and all of your stupid habits and ways and see how well that all fits together. I dare anyone to try it for one day. You'll look for any reason to occupy yourself outside of the house. Anything.

Shortly before 9/11 I met my husband online and then in person. March of 2003 we were engaged. Sadie and I joined him in Lodi in May of that year. We married in August 2003 and spent the next year in that house as I finished nursing school

We moved to this house in Wood-Ridge in September of 2004 and here we are, a baby, a major surgery, and many bouts of laughter and tears later. We have had 2 tenants under our roof. We have hosted many holidays. I have cooked several turkeys, a prime rib, an infinite number of mashed potatoes, and several birthday cakes. Hundreds of presents have been opened under the Christmas tree that magically appears in the corner after my husband wakes up from a nap, a fake tree that I have lugged up and down 2 flights of stairs, even when I was ready to pop with pregnancy. But in his defense his heart was so bad he could barely maintain a healthy pink color, much less lug around a Christmas tree. And I needed the exercise badly.

So very shortly we are going to be leaving New Jersey for good. I can't imagine ever returning. I have spent most of my life here and I feel like I have absolutely made the most of it. I have loved this state like you wouldn't believe, and there have even been times when I thought that I couldn't possibly live anywhere else.

Most of that feeling came from living so close to the Delaware River for so many years. I have loved that river for a long time. I have fished it, swam it, tubed it, thrown countless roaches into it, contemplated it, fallen in love in it, water skied it, driven along it and over its bridges, skipped rocks into it, dipped Sadie's feet in it when she was just a little tiny baby. I will miss it. I hope I can visit it one more time before we go.