Lately...

We are starting to form some kind of routine. This is the only way to survive. Without the girls I think I would be a total mess-undisciplined, nocturnal, drunk, and probably suffering from poor hygiene. With the girls I make meals, loosely adhere to a sleeping schedule, find reasons to smile, and occasionally crack the whip.

People ask how I'm doing and my basic response is: up and down. This is true. There are moments when I am lost in total despair and then there are moments when I am totally confident that I will remake our lives into something that is happy and full of meaning.

There is a lime tree in my backyard with ten or twelves limes ripening on it. I keep on checking the biggest one every day and it still feels too firm to pick. I know nothing about growing fruit, but maybe I'll learn a little bit more about that through this tree.

Penny has taken to climbing on top of the dining room table every time I'm not looking. She likes to shake the salt and pepper shakers. This morning she got to the table while I was doing something and broke a bowl that I had in the middle of the table. I was nice, part of my Noritake Colorwave set, a large, shallow bowl that I used to serve vegetables or pasta during holidays and other special dinners. She cut her thumb while doing this. It's just a small cut but it was bleeding a lot. She ripped off the first band aid and started bleeding again. We're having more success with the second band aid.

Sadie is doing pretty well in school and with friends. She's tending the rabbit that my father-in-law found and it appears to be thriving. We are anxiously awaiting her new bedroom furniture. She has a lot more homework than she is used to but she's taking it like a champ. If she keeps her GPA in a decent range she will be eligible for a trip to Germany with her German class in April. It's really nice for her to have something like that to look forward to.

We are also getting ready for my sister-in-law's wedding. The three of us got our dresses, had them fitted for minor alterations, and just need to pick them up about a week before the wedding. In the meantime, I need to watch what I eat so I can look as awesome as possible in this dress.

Which leads me to another thing-we all joined the YMCA. I haven't actually gone and used the facilities yet but I can see it in my future. Perhaps we'll go this weekend. They have a child care area that will watch children for 90 minutes while you do whatever it is you do there. I am very interested in taking spin classes. I heard that it's intense and burns a lot of calories. I like the fact that I won't have to actually jump around with other human beings. I am not ready for that yet. At any rate, it looks very clean and everyone seems very friendly.

Time to start another weekend. I really have no internal distinction between weekdays and weekends. It's all a blur to me. In some ways it feels like only yesterday that Rob passed away-so much of my feelings are still very fresh. Every morning when I wake up I feel so sad that I will not see him today. Then I realize that it's been five weeks. Still close, but yet so far from the last time I ever saw him.