I was re-reading some of this blog just now and going over the last one I wrote in NJ before the teary train ride to FL. In a way the subject matter in the beginning of that entry pains me to read-talking about my old aspiration to be a mortician and then how I wound up caring for the departed later on in life anyway. How cold it might seem to some people. I'm not really here to apologize for that because it is what it is and anyone who knows me knows I am not a cold person. Still, I wanted to make it clear that that sort of work is really an act of love-at least, it was on my part. I know that is a difficult concept to convey, but it is true.
But still, when I wrote that entry, how innocent I was to the heartache that comes from this kind of experience. And I can't help but feel chills regarding the timing. Chills.
I have talked with a few people about the coldness I felt when I found out about Robert's passing. A blast of coldness and my blood literally turned to ice. That is the only way I can describe it. I wish I could erase it from my memory. I wish I could just banish it and make it go away.
Now this is the paragraph where one usually shows the brighter side or the blessing in disguise. I am afraid that that is probably going to elude me for quite some time. However, I will say that everyone's support and good wishes and positive vibes are keeping me afloat. This may be the worst thing I have ever experienced, but I try to remind myself that the children are healthy, I have a roof over my head, and a lot of good guidance from those older and wiser than me.
Robert was my Doc Holliday. He was my Captain Miller. He was my huckleberry.
Now I just have to earn it.
(JH, Thank you in advance for allowing me to blatantly rip off a few very beautiful things you said about Robert in his eulogy. You are a daisy...)
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will make it to the moon if she has to crawl
past the mission
behind the prison tower
past the mission
i once knew a hot girl
behind the prison tower
past the mission
i once knew a hot girl
my scream got lost
in a paper cup
you think there's a heaven
where some
screams have gone
i got 25 bucks and a cracker
do you think it's enough
to get us there
in a paper cup
you think there's a heaven
where some
screams have gone
i got 25 bucks and a cracker
do you think it's enough
to get us there
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4 comments:
I'm so glad you are writing. It's definitely a form of therapy. And I love the photos below - the best of times. I'll tell Ocean City Maryland that you said hello when I go there in a few weeks.
I think of you constantly. Love, Jean
Liz,
Rob was the best friend a guy could have, and I loved him like a brother. He made a huge difference in my life and touched so many others. I'm sorry for the times I let him down or said hurtful things. The truth is that I admired him greatly and held his opinion in the highest regard. He was a good judge of character, and I always wanted to measure up in his eyes.
I hope my words yesterday did the slightest bit of justice to the kind of person he was. He was a real-life hero, who met each and every day with rare courage and determination. He spoke his mind and doggedly fought for himself and those he loved, and he never backed down -- not from anyone. He knew the value of life and made the most of every day.
He was blessed by your love. You were such a source of strength for him. I never saw him more happy or fulfilled.
I miss him so much, Liz. My thoughts are with you, Sadie and Penny, and with the rest of the Shaws and Bubros.
JH
You words on Monday absolutely did him justice. He would've been pleased. He was pleased. Just the fact that you mentioned Star Wars and Die Hard during his eulogy would've tickled him pink.
But seriously, you have a true gift that he admired-the ability to speak well and meaningfully in every situation imaginable. He loved that about you. You gave us many years of laughter and joy the three, or sometimes four or more, of us. Some of the best times of my life were not just with him and the girls but with you.I just cannot stress that enough.
Sadie's question "if we move to Florida,what are we going to do with JH?" has a very easy answer. We are going to keep him close by our sides forever. We owe each other that much.
Jean, I would be very honored if you would accompany me to Ocean City sometime in the next year or so. As you may or may not know, Rob and I were pretty sure that that is where Penny was created and I must return to that source. I will not be able to do it alone though. I can't believe I haven't seen you in 8 years or so. The world at large, and my own little world, has changed so much but our friendship remains. I just thank God we found each other again.
I know OC is very special for you. I'll be there the week of August 18th and I will soak it in with even more appreciation this year. And I would love to be with you when you get there again.
I can't really believe it's been that long since I've seen you; I feel like it was just yesterday.
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