Would it be shocking to say that I am having a hard time getting into the spirit of the season?
Today is December 21 and here's where I'm at: I put the tree up yesterday, very begrudgingly. It was very hard for me to even concentrate on doing it. I kept walking away from it, sort of cursing under my breath, each time I plugged one of the cords to the main electrical line in the tree.
So far there are about a dozen shiny Christmas ball ornaments put up on the tree. At least all of the lights work but that's kind of a no-brainer since it's an artificial tree with built-in lights. Thankfully someone stuffed the tree skirt in the box with the tree last year so that was easy enough to find.
This is the third year I've put this tree up by myself. Prior to this year, Rob would've been sleeping in his recliner with our little gas fireplace blazing next to him. Most likely there would've been an empty bowl that once held ice cream on the side table next to him. Possibly candy wrappers. I would've be huffing and puffing my way down the stairs, quite possibly bursting at the seems with pregnancy. Both of those years I was a little bit ticked off about him sleeping through it, but I always understood why he had to sleep. It always made a funny story anyway, dragging the Christmas tree down two flights of stairs. I would brag about being a tough Slavic chick.
In retrospect, I'm glad I never nagged Rob about that. Anyone who knows me knows I'm a little bit of a nag when necessary. I sort of selected not to be a bitch about the Christmas tree. He loved Christmas so much and I knew he would've been awake to do it if he wasn't so very tired. Both years when he woke up he'd say groggily, "I thought I told you to wait for me."
I think this might be the last year I use this tree. I'm just not into it anymore. I might buy a new one after the holiday is over when everything is marked way down. It might seem like an unnecessary expense, but I'll donate the old tree to the Salvation Army and just start over.
: : : :
I've been working on a menu for Christmas day. My parents, inlaws, grandparents, and Aunt's boyfriend are coming over. I spent a fortune at Publix today. I am baking a ham, a quiche, an onion tart, and cinnamon bread. I think a chocolate cake is going to be made as well. I am also making potatoes, Brussels sprouts (hey it's related to cabbage-it goes with ham!), and carrots. I have assorted cheeses, crackers, and vegetables to put out. Plus olives and pickles.
Would making deviled eggs be overkill? I bought a lot of eggs today and can't decide if I should make some deviled eggs. I think it would be a nice touch, but it might put me over the edge to make a dozen deviled eggs in the middle of everything.
: : : :
Did I mention that I have about 33% of my Christmas shopping complete? Not good. I'm thinking that I'm going to have to resort to gift certificates for everyone. It's the only way I can get it done and at least I can stay within budget. I went out to Linens N' Things and Old Navy in the hopes of finding some presents. Although I found a few things here and there, I managed to spend hundreds of dollars and really not get anywhere as far as presents go. I wound up buying 2 nice curtain rods with curly-cue finials on the end and some really gorgeous drapes. At least my dining room looks a hell of a lot better.
Was it necessary? No. It was completely unproductive as far as accomplishing Christmas shopping. It sucked up a lot of time and money. What can I say? For this whole week I've been walking around in a daze, dreading Christmas, doing everything I can not to think about it. Meanwhile, time marches on and brings me closer to a day when I'm going to be hosting people, cooking a big meal, exchanging presents...all under the hardest of circumstances.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Monday, December 17, 2007
Midnight Marauders
The other night I dreamt of bears. Sometimes when I dream it is like watching a documentary. Usually dreams like this involve animals. I'm not even in the dream; it is something I'm watching. A narrator's voice will guide me through what I am seeing. In this case it was a bear. It looked like a grizzly I guess, sort of a golden color. The narrator was rattling off details about the bear that I don't really remember. It's always a generic man's voice, by the way.
That's when I actually woke up to the sound of Winnie growling. Evie's hearing must not be as sharp as Winnie's because Winnie is always the first to wake up. Her ears are three years younger than Evie's.
Winnie was staring intently through the blinds covering the sliding glass doors in my bedroom into the lanai. Peeking through the slats I saw two HUGE raccoons on the lanai. Half-asleep and half-doped on NyQuil (fighting a cold) I couldn't believe the size of them. I looked at the clock to see that it was 4:00 am.
My first reaction was to share this sighting with someone. I ran into Sadie's room to tell her that the biggest raccoons I'd ever seen were out on the lanai and did she want to see. She told me to go back to sleep.
All I had to do was turn on the porch light to send them scampering away. They swiftly fit themselves under the baby screen that surrounds the pool and disappeared. I was so freaked out by this occurrence that it took at least an hour to fall back to sleep.
The bandits were after the dog dishes full of food that I had so stupidly left out on the lanai. I fell asleep before remembering to bring them in for the night. The raccoons must have thought they hit the jackpot with these perfectly uniform crunchy morsels, formulated for sensitive stomachs I might add.
In bed I kept thinking about how they could have gotten in. I hadn't seen a torn screen in the lanai. I envisioned one standing on his partner's shoulders, manipulating the latch on the screen door. I couldn't make any sense out of it and fell asleep for a few hours to dream strange dreams with lots of people and dialogue, but nothing worth remembering.
That morning upon brief investigation I noticed that one of the screen was, in fact, ripped. So it's going to cost me some money and it was stupid to leave the dog food out, and I should have known better. However, it was almost worth it to see gigantic raccoons that could magically make themselves so small as to fit under a net that's almost flush with porch floor. It was a pretty interesting brush with nature that I don't necessarily want to repeat.
That's when I actually woke up to the sound of Winnie growling. Evie's hearing must not be as sharp as Winnie's because Winnie is always the first to wake up. Her ears are three years younger than Evie's.
Winnie was staring intently through the blinds covering the sliding glass doors in my bedroom into the lanai. Peeking through the slats I saw two HUGE raccoons on the lanai. Half-asleep and half-doped on NyQuil (fighting a cold) I couldn't believe the size of them. I looked at the clock to see that it was 4:00 am.
My first reaction was to share this sighting with someone. I ran into Sadie's room to tell her that the biggest raccoons I'd ever seen were out on the lanai and did she want to see. She told me to go back to sleep.
All I had to do was turn on the porch light to send them scampering away. They swiftly fit themselves under the baby screen that surrounds the pool and disappeared. I was so freaked out by this occurrence that it took at least an hour to fall back to sleep.
The bandits were after the dog dishes full of food that I had so stupidly left out on the lanai. I fell asleep before remembering to bring them in for the night. The raccoons must have thought they hit the jackpot with these perfectly uniform crunchy morsels, formulated for sensitive stomachs I might add.
In bed I kept thinking about how they could have gotten in. I hadn't seen a torn screen in the lanai. I envisioned one standing on his partner's shoulders, manipulating the latch on the screen door. I couldn't make any sense out of it and fell asleep for a few hours to dream strange dreams with lots of people and dialogue, but nothing worth remembering.
That morning upon brief investigation I noticed that one of the screen was, in fact, ripped. So it's going to cost me some money and it was stupid to leave the dog food out, and I should have known better. However, it was almost worth it to see gigantic raccoons that could magically make themselves so small as to fit under a net that's almost flush with porch floor. It was a pretty interesting brush with nature that I don't necessarily want to repeat.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Is it over yet?
2007 has been a very difficult year. I am ready for it to be over with. Not that I'm going to be doing anything spectacular on New Year's Eve, trust me, but I am really feeling like it's about time to begin a year over from scratch and work through a lot of things that need attending to.
Since my last entry we have suffered another very sad passage. One of Sadie's friends from her new school passed away. His name was Grant Aleo and he was one of the first friends that Sadie made at Springstead, along with his girlfriend Alex. I had given him and Alex rides home after school many times before Sadie began taking the bus. He was a sweet boy, soft-spoken and he'd always talk to Penny on the ride, which I found endearing.
(Jean-in terms of a general appearance and vibe, think of our dear friend Pat from back home.)
The morning he died Sadie called me from the bathroom at school, with a very bad connection on the cell, crying hysterically. All I could here her say was the word "died" in between tears and static. I began shaking and barked into the phone to text me. Her text came with the horrible news: Grant died last night.
I immediately texted her back to just go to the office right away. I raced to the school crying. My heart was swallowed up with grief all over again, for I have had a fresh taste of just how awful and final death can be. I kept thinking about his family and all of these confused kids who counted him among their own.
With minimal delay I retrieved Sadie from school and we spent the rest of the day in a stupor, intermittently crying and walking around like zombies. How absolutely unfair it is that someone so young could have their life snuffed out in an instant. All of that promise of what lies ahead absolutely gone.
For the record, the girl driving was not drunk. This was a rumor that began circulating immediately. She is currently still in an ICU following reconstructive skull surgery. Grant's was the only fatality. Sadie's ex-boyfriend Ronnie was in the crash and was in the hospital for 2 days for a concussion and he looks like he's going to be fine. The fourth passenger, another girl, was discharged from the ER the night of the accident.
The kids have been tremendous. They have been visiting Grant's family from the get-go, which his mother and father find very therapeutic. For the first week after the accident kids gathered by the dozens or more to hold vigils at favorite hangouts. They have collected hundreds of dollars for the families affected by the accident. They held a lovely vigil at a park where over a hundred of them gathered to give speeches and be together. On the day of the funeral they let off at least 99 red balloons, maybe more, at 7:32 am in the high school football field.
Following that was the funeral, the first I've gone to since Rob's. I drove Sadie and her friends Vince and Samantha up to Bushnell National Cemetery where the masses gathered for a brief service followed by paying respects to the family. More red balloons.
I cried so hard watching those balloons go and watching the coffin get loaded on to a truck with the flowers for burial. I asked Grant to please say Hello to my husband, and Grandma Shaw, and my Aunt Tootie, and her husband, and some other relatives and friends if he should happen to bump into them, if that in fact is what happens when you die.
And then I thought that maybe that's not what happens at all. Maybe our souls just continue to recycle themselves into other lives. Maybe Grant's just getting ready to give life another try in another form and maybe my late husband is already back on Earth (or possibly still in someone's belly) a baby somewhere, starting out fresh.
Either way sounds like some kind of salvation.
Since my last entry we have suffered another very sad passage. One of Sadie's friends from her new school passed away. His name was Grant Aleo and he was one of the first friends that Sadie made at Springstead, along with his girlfriend Alex. I had given him and Alex rides home after school many times before Sadie began taking the bus. He was a sweet boy, soft-spoken and he'd always talk to Penny on the ride, which I found endearing.
(Jean-in terms of a general appearance and vibe, think of our dear friend Pat from back home.)
The morning he died Sadie called me from the bathroom at school, with a very bad connection on the cell, crying hysterically. All I could here her say was the word "died" in between tears and static. I began shaking and barked into the phone to text me. Her text came with the horrible news: Grant died last night.
I immediately texted her back to just go to the office right away. I raced to the school crying. My heart was swallowed up with grief all over again, for I have had a fresh taste of just how awful and final death can be. I kept thinking about his family and all of these confused kids who counted him among their own.
With minimal delay I retrieved Sadie from school and we spent the rest of the day in a stupor, intermittently crying and walking around like zombies. How absolutely unfair it is that someone so young could have their life snuffed out in an instant. All of that promise of what lies ahead absolutely gone.
For the record, the girl driving was not drunk. This was a rumor that began circulating immediately. She is currently still in an ICU following reconstructive skull surgery. Grant's was the only fatality. Sadie's ex-boyfriend Ronnie was in the crash and was in the hospital for 2 days for a concussion and he looks like he's going to be fine. The fourth passenger, another girl, was discharged from the ER the night of the accident.
The kids have been tremendous. They have been visiting Grant's family from the get-go, which his mother and father find very therapeutic. For the first week after the accident kids gathered by the dozens or more to hold vigils at favorite hangouts. They have collected hundreds of dollars for the families affected by the accident. They held a lovely vigil at a park where over a hundred of them gathered to give speeches and be together. On the day of the funeral they let off at least 99 red balloons, maybe more, at 7:32 am in the high school football field.
Following that was the funeral, the first I've gone to since Rob's. I drove Sadie and her friends Vince and Samantha up to Bushnell National Cemetery where the masses gathered for a brief service followed by paying respects to the family. More red balloons.
I cried so hard watching those balloons go and watching the coffin get loaded on to a truck with the flowers for burial. I asked Grant to please say Hello to my husband, and Grandma Shaw, and my Aunt Tootie, and her husband, and some other relatives and friends if he should happen to bump into them, if that in fact is what happens when you die.
And then I thought that maybe that's not what happens at all. Maybe our souls just continue to recycle themselves into other lives. Maybe Grant's just getting ready to give life another try in another form and maybe my late husband is already back on Earth (or possibly still in someone's belly) a baby somewhere, starting out fresh.
Either way sounds like some kind of salvation.
Saturday, December 01, 2007
Filling in the Blanks
The problem with not updating often is that so much of life goes by without documenting any of the content and then when I finally do get around to writing entries they sort of stand out there alone, like naked bombshells. Instead of watching, or in this case reading, my life unfold in a sequence that makes sense, it appears that I am literally jumping from points A or B to some Martian coordinate.
The problem with updating often is that a lot of times I just don't have anything nice to say.
Don't get me wrong, I am hell-bent on enjoying motherhood no matter what. These girls are only going to be children once and the last thing they need is some batty widow of a mother living in the past and feeling sorry for herself and dragging them down with her. Judging by how quickly fifteen years has passed since the day Sadie was born, I'm expecting Penny to be wearing make-up and driving and causing trouble in the blink of an eye. It just goes too fast for me to waste any time not trying to enjoy it.
Right now the girls and I are at a point of comfort among each other. It hasn't been easy-we have had some very hard moments figuring out how to deal with ourselves and each other in Rob's absence. We are slowly finding ourselves and picking up the pieces. Very shortly my brother is going to be moving in with us, for better or for worse, which should make life interesting and hopefully a little bit easier. Probably a bit less lonely too.
You should know that before sitting down to the computer I was watching boxing on the Spanish channel. And before that I was watching Cops. And before that, Dr. G Medical Examiner. By myself. And now I'm contemplating finishing painting the bathroom OR...maybe doing some number and logic puzzles. So yeah, life is a little boring sometimes.
Also at this moment, ta-da, I am in the middle of a family feud that I need like a $!*#ing hole in the head. I really would rather not spell out the particulars here, but I would like to say that absolutely no one in the world has the right to scream in my face in front of any of my children. Naturally my anxiety level is off the charts because of this. I feel like for each step forward I make towards personal progress, something or other outside of myself drags me back a step or two.
There have been a lot of really strange things going on around here leading up to the latest debacle and I have been trying so hard to keep in mind that people get very confused and crazy by grief, but there comes a point where you really can't accept certain things, no matter what the reason is behind it. I hate to even discuss these things so obscurely because it's just not fair to the reader. Let me just say that all of this crap is just making me hate being in Florida more and more each day.
Big surprise? I painted beautiful pictures of how beautiful it is here and how friendly the people are but there are things of beauty in New Jersey and life is not made of cheery 10 second conversations in Dunkin Donuts alone. Every time I go anywhere I pass signs for places that Rob and I were supposed to visit. Every highway I get on leads to a place that we were supposed to find together. It is very depressing and makes me feel very bitter.
And then one day, after one or two fairly unbearable events occurred, I realized that, goddamn it, I am an adult woman with good career potential and the brains and will to coordinate just about goddamn anything I desire in life, plus having just inherited my husband's set of brass balls (because someone's gotta have them)...I realized that I don't have to stay here forever. Staying in Florida is optional.
What relief I felt when this revelation appeared!
In this day and age, people move all over the place all the time. This is what airplanes, trains, and cars are FOR. This is what the telephone and internet are FOR. I do not have to live here just because my family does. And people do not have to like my decision. This is not a requirement. This is my life, I'm presuming that it's the only one I've got even though I still cling to the very Buddhist idea of rebirth.
Well, how about if within this life of mine, I stage my own rebirth? It's really my job create my own happiness. No one else is going to do it for me.
The problem with updating often is that a lot of times I just don't have anything nice to say.
Don't get me wrong, I am hell-bent on enjoying motherhood no matter what. These girls are only going to be children once and the last thing they need is some batty widow of a mother living in the past and feeling sorry for herself and dragging them down with her. Judging by how quickly fifteen years has passed since the day Sadie was born, I'm expecting Penny to be wearing make-up and driving and causing trouble in the blink of an eye. It just goes too fast for me to waste any time not trying to enjoy it.
Right now the girls and I are at a point of comfort among each other. It hasn't been easy-we have had some very hard moments figuring out how to deal with ourselves and each other in Rob's absence. We are slowly finding ourselves and picking up the pieces. Very shortly my brother is going to be moving in with us, for better or for worse, which should make life interesting and hopefully a little bit easier. Probably a bit less lonely too.
You should know that before sitting down to the computer I was watching boxing on the Spanish channel. And before that I was watching Cops. And before that, Dr. G Medical Examiner. By myself. And now I'm contemplating finishing painting the bathroom OR...maybe doing some number and logic puzzles. So yeah, life is a little boring sometimes.
Also at this moment, ta-da, I am in the middle of a family feud that I need like a $!*#ing hole in the head. I really would rather not spell out the particulars here, but I would like to say that absolutely no one in the world has the right to scream in my face in front of any of my children. Naturally my anxiety level is off the charts because of this. I feel like for each step forward I make towards personal progress, something or other outside of myself drags me back a step or two.
There have been a lot of really strange things going on around here leading up to the latest debacle and I have been trying so hard to keep in mind that people get very confused and crazy by grief, but there comes a point where you really can't accept certain things, no matter what the reason is behind it. I hate to even discuss these things so obscurely because it's just not fair to the reader. Let me just say that all of this crap is just making me hate being in Florida more and more each day.
Big surprise? I painted beautiful pictures of how beautiful it is here and how friendly the people are but there are things of beauty in New Jersey and life is not made of cheery 10 second conversations in Dunkin Donuts alone. Every time I go anywhere I pass signs for places that Rob and I were supposed to visit. Every highway I get on leads to a place that we were supposed to find together. It is very depressing and makes me feel very bitter.
And then one day, after one or two fairly unbearable events occurred, I realized that, goddamn it, I am an adult woman with good career potential and the brains and will to coordinate just about goddamn anything I desire in life, plus having just inherited my husband's set of brass balls (because someone's gotta have them)...I realized that I don't have to stay here forever. Staying in Florida is optional.
What relief I felt when this revelation appeared!
In this day and age, people move all over the place all the time. This is what airplanes, trains, and cars are FOR. This is what the telephone and internet are FOR. I do not have to live here just because my family does. And people do not have to like my decision. This is not a requirement. This is my life, I'm presuming that it's the only one I've got even though I still cling to the very Buddhist idea of rebirth.
Well, how about if within this life of mine, I stage my own rebirth? It's really my job create my own happiness. No one else is going to do it for me.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Talking Turkey
Wow. What a week I had up north. I was all over that Garden State-from the meadowlands of Bergen County to the rural suburbs south of Philly to the mean streets of Jersey city and the mountains and pastures of my old home, Hunterdon County. I was up and down the Turnpike and Parkway and criss-crossed east and west over routes 78, 22, 46, and 3. I took the long way to my grandma's house on route 21 going through the center of Newark just to remember what it looked like.
I got to see friends, family, places, things. I had some great lunches and dinners and visits. I even got the chance to scope out a tattoo parlor for my next important piece of work. Best of all, I didn't lose anything important this time around. In fact, I don't think I lost anything at all.
The return home to Florida-very hard on me. I cried in the airport and I cried on the plane. I cried looking out over this state that used to be home, which still seems to hang on to my heart, calling me back. Looking out the window of the plane in the dark, watching Newark, and all of New Jersey for that matter, become nothing more than lit up highways as the plane climbed higher and higher until the clouds finally separated me from my old home, waves of sadness rushed over me as the tears fell.
I miss it. My heart is there. Florida has been kind to me, but New Jersey is my homeland. And that's all I'm going to say on this topic for tonight. Trust me, we'll revisit this topic again.
Having said that, I hope everyone had a beautiful Thanksgiving. Love you all...
I got to see friends, family, places, things. I had some great lunches and dinners and visits. I even got the chance to scope out a tattoo parlor for my next important piece of work. Best of all, I didn't lose anything important this time around. In fact, I don't think I lost anything at all.
The return home to Florida-very hard on me. I cried in the airport and I cried on the plane. I cried looking out over this state that used to be home, which still seems to hang on to my heart, calling me back. Looking out the window of the plane in the dark, watching Newark, and all of New Jersey for that matter, become nothing more than lit up highways as the plane climbed higher and higher until the clouds finally separated me from my old home, waves of sadness rushed over me as the tears fell.
I miss it. My heart is there. Florida has been kind to me, but New Jersey is my homeland. And that's all I'm going to say on this topic for tonight. Trust me, we'll revisit this topic again.
Having said that, I hope everyone had a beautiful Thanksgiving. Love you all...
Friday, November 16, 2007
Coming up North Again
I have been beyond swamped at home. I would love to get into the minutiae but I barely have time to sit down to put in an entry to this blog. Suffice to say that I am busy.
For some reason, I just can't take the thought of being in Florida for Thanksgiving. I want to see my grandmothers. We are taking a flight out of Tampa tomorrow and will be in Newark in the early afternoon. Keep your fingers crossed that we don't have any delays.
For some reason, I just can't take the thought of being in Florida for Thanksgiving. I want to see my grandmothers. We are taking a flight out of Tampa tomorrow and will be in Newark in the early afternoon. Keep your fingers crossed that we don't have any delays.
In other news, today was Sadie's birthday. Impossible to imagine that 15 years have elapsed since the day she was born! But, with a sigh, it is true. She was in a really great mood all day long and got to do some stuff that she wanted to do with friends, and got some presents, and many phone calls. I felt a little bit bad cutting it all short earlier this evening, but she was a real champ about packing and giving me a hand for the trip.
I'm hoping that when I return I'll be more in a writing mood. I do have some new developments on the home front that are worth addressing, but that's for another entry. Have a lovely Thanksgiving everyone...
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Long Hiatus
Sometimes it's really hard to jump back into this thing after being gone from it for a while.
How about a bulleted entry to get right down to the main points?
How about a bulleted entry to get right down to the main points?
- Had a full set of fake nails applied, or should I say installed, onto my fingertips and had a pedicure.
- Arranged for all of the animals in my life plus my parents' birds to be cared for adequately in our absence.
- Fielded a lot of obtrusive questions, advice, and observations from various family members.
- Packed up myself and the girls for a journey up north.
- Cried on the airplane on take-off and landing, not out of fear or anxiety, but out of wonder for how beautiful the world looks down below.
- Drove past both of my old houses in Bergen County and cried some more.
- Dined with friends and family and overall had a great time.
- Lost my rental car at the Garden State Plaza and completely went ape-shit before finding it in the correct parking garage. In the rain. And cold. Holding the baby in one arm and a bunch of shopping bags in the other. Perhaps I shed a tear or two during the ordeal.
- Woke up very early on the 28th and drove to East Stroudsburg where we managed to get totally dolled-up for the wedding.
- Wore fake eyelashes for the first time.
- Walked down the aisle as a bridesmaid.
- Had many ginger ale and vodkas.
- Decided that I really don't like Pabst Blue Ribbon.
- Lost a bag of important papers that I'd rather not talk about.
- Left the car seat in the rental car and figured it out that it was gone during my first attempt at checking luggage for the flight. I had to take the airtrain back to Hertz where I ran in like a maniac, not just crying but pretty much mentally decompensating, and begged them to go look for it now. The manager retrieved it for me fairly promptly and we made it back in time to check it in, change a diaper, and board the plane.
- Arrived home with both daughters, all of us in one piece.
- Obtained my dogs from the kennel.
- Had my fingernails shortened and re polished in order to be able to carry on with my life like a somewhat normal human being.
- Recovered from the various stressful events that occurred during the trip.
- Prepared Sadie for her homecoming dance.
- Nursed the baby through a bout of diarrhea.
- Moved all of my belongings to my new home in Spring Hill.
- Continue to live like an animal out of boxes and eating bad food while trying to sort everything out.
Each one of those bullets above could have been an entry in it's own right. I wish I would've just made myself write it down when it was fresh because each of them contains a story. I'm thinking in particular about the dinners with friends, the nails, the diarrhea, and the move.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Sadie's Hair
I promised pics of Sadie's new 'do ages ago and have slacked. Things have been busy, but I'll save it for another entry. Meanwhile, ici:
Still the asymmetrical cut, not too much different, but the color is the main difference. She loves it. I like it quite a bit too!
And yes, she's a big Hello Kitty fan.
Friday, October 12, 2007
New Hair and Other Things
In preparation for the wedding, and also to just improve my style situation a little bit, both Sadie and I got our hair done yesterday. I've had a chance to take some pictures of my own new coif but Sadie was so busy yesterday after school that I didn't have a chance to take pictures of her hair. Well, I did take a pic with my phone but that's it.
Sadie tried tae kwon do with her friend yesterday. They did two 45 minute sessions yesterday and she loved it. She wants to start going every Tuesday which pleases me greatly.
Sadie tried tae kwon do with her friend yesterday. They did two 45 minute sessions yesterday and she loved it. She wants to start going every Tuesday which pleases me greatly.
Although it is very refreshing to have a haircut, I wish I looked a little bit different than I do. It is still kind of my same basic, boring hairstyle that I always wind up reverting back to when I neglect to get it trimmed regularly, like a normal human being. Which happens a lot. I think next time I'm going to be more daring with the color. Overall I'm just glad that I have a fresh new 'do and there's still enough hair to have them put it up for the wedding.
Here are the best examples of what I can offer of the cut and the color:
See, not that much different. But better.
Saturday, October 06, 2007
Spring Hill
I didn't ever plan on living here. The plan was to move to a house in New Port Richey, about 20 miles south of here. It wouldn't have been that far really, but it would have been a little bit closer to Tampa and just a few miles from Tarpon Springs.
I had been to Spring Hill before when I was younger since my grandfather lives here. I found it ironic that Rob's grandfather also lived in this town, having moved here around the same time my grandfather did. In the summer of '04, I believe, while we were all on vacation down here-his parents, his sister, my parents, everyone-his folks bought a house in Spring Hill as a winter home.
His parents closed on the house I am living in on the same day that we closed on our Jersey house. They bought it to rent out, but it took on the more immediate purpose of sheltering me and the girls during my brief hiatus from home-ownership. It has been a godsend.
I used to scoff at the idea of living here. It is very Florida-cracker meets Northern Exodus to The South meets various other groups of people. It's on the Nature Coast. It's a little bit rural, a little bit town, and absolutely no city. There are no tall buildings, only strip malls and residential properties. It lacks the sleekness and the cool vibe of Tarpon Springs and New Port Richey.
Still, I like it here! The people are very friendly. I have had some very positive interactions with strangers. I'm not good at making friends so this is about the best I can hope for right now. It carries me a long way actually.
The benchmark moment had to be the day I walked into my bank down here with a fairly sizable check from the sale of our Jersey house. I was alone, by choice. They actually had a greeter there to see if she could help anyone who walked in, which was me with this check that Rob had so thoughtfully and fortunately signed before passing away. When the woman asked if she could help me, I literally burst into tears with this check in my hand and quietly and briefly explained my situation. She soothed me and shushed me and brought me up to the counter like a little chick under her wing and helped me get squared away.
There are have been other moments, similar, although usually without the tears. I got Sadie into high school, on schedule, for the very first day of the school year. That was no easy task, with the doctors' office up north who just wouldn't fax over her medical information and other related obstacles. I had to rely greatly on the efforts of the Public Health Clinic down here, which does an amazing job of getting kids immunized and seen by doctors during the 2 weeks leading up to the first day. However, the wait there is excruciating. Since then it has been pretty much smooth-sailing as far as Sadie's school goes. Her freshman year has been very good so far.
And while, no, I never dreamed of living here, it is much better than I imagined. It is a very laid back town. There are a lot of elderly people, especially in the area that the new house is in. There are also a lot of families with kids. There are also some tattoo parlors and barbeque pits and they sell beer and wine in the grocery store.
Maybe I just belong here right now.
For you out there who like to get lost in wiki, please visit:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spring_Hill%2C_Florida
I had been to Spring Hill before when I was younger since my grandfather lives here. I found it ironic that Rob's grandfather also lived in this town, having moved here around the same time my grandfather did. In the summer of '04, I believe, while we were all on vacation down here-his parents, his sister, my parents, everyone-his folks bought a house in Spring Hill as a winter home.
His parents closed on the house I am living in on the same day that we closed on our Jersey house. They bought it to rent out, but it took on the more immediate purpose of sheltering me and the girls during my brief hiatus from home-ownership. It has been a godsend.
I used to scoff at the idea of living here. It is very Florida-cracker meets Northern Exodus to The South meets various other groups of people. It's on the Nature Coast. It's a little bit rural, a little bit town, and absolutely no city. There are no tall buildings, only strip malls and residential properties. It lacks the sleekness and the cool vibe of Tarpon Springs and New Port Richey.
Still, I like it here! The people are very friendly. I have had some very positive interactions with strangers. I'm not good at making friends so this is about the best I can hope for right now. It carries me a long way actually.
The benchmark moment had to be the day I walked into my bank down here with a fairly sizable check from the sale of our Jersey house. I was alone, by choice. They actually had a greeter there to see if she could help anyone who walked in, which was me with this check that Rob had so thoughtfully and fortunately signed before passing away. When the woman asked if she could help me, I literally burst into tears with this check in my hand and quietly and briefly explained my situation. She soothed me and shushed me and brought me up to the counter like a little chick under her wing and helped me get squared away.
There are have been other moments, similar, although usually without the tears. I got Sadie into high school, on schedule, for the very first day of the school year. That was no easy task, with the doctors' office up north who just wouldn't fax over her medical information and other related obstacles. I had to rely greatly on the efforts of the Public Health Clinic down here, which does an amazing job of getting kids immunized and seen by doctors during the 2 weeks leading up to the first day. However, the wait there is excruciating. Since then it has been pretty much smooth-sailing as far as Sadie's school goes. Her freshman year has been very good so far.
And while, no, I never dreamed of living here, it is much better than I imagined. It is a very laid back town. There are a lot of elderly people, especially in the area that the new house is in. There are also a lot of families with kids. There are also some tattoo parlors and barbeque pits and they sell beer and wine in the grocery store.
Maybe I just belong here right now.
For you out there who like to get lost in wiki, please visit:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spring_Hill%2C_Florida
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Some Pics from Last Weekend
This past weekend JH and his girlfriend Mariela came down to Florida for a visit. We had a nice time. On Saturday we had a leisurely breakfast before heading down to Tarpon Springs for a little shopping, strolling, and lunch. I replenished my supply of sea salt body scrub and treated myself to a few cigars. No, I didn't stand around and smoke a few cigars during the outing. I brought them back home for the occasional sleepless nights that surely lie ahead.
We ate lunch at a place called Snookers. This place has indoor and outdoor seating, a big tiki bar, and an alligator pool. It touts Floribbean cuisine on the menu and pretty much delivers just that.
At one point we walked past a fudge shop. Mariela, who is not originally from the states asked "what is fudge?" This pretty much sealed the deal that we would have to go in and show her exactly what the excitement over fudge is all about. I must say, it was good but it wasn't the best I've ever had. It was a little granular and not as smooth and creamy as it should've been. I wonder if the humidity has anything to do with the consistency. Should I just seek out every fudge factory in Florida to test my hypothesis? Probably not a good idea with me being in a wedding and all in less than four weeks.
Let's just say, it did answer the question "what is fudge" in a satisfactory way, but not it didn't convey the excellence which usually would accompany the answer.
Well, I could go on and on dissecting the meals we ate but who wants to hear about that. The point is, my friends came in to town and it was a real treat to see them. We got out on Saturday night for some drinks. Penny spent her first night apart from me in her whole entire life by sleeping over her grandparents house. Aside from the fact that I worried constantly about her-picturing her running around wildly crying at 11:30, 12:30, 1:30, etc.-it was a little bit comforting to know that IF I ever decide to treat myself to a night or two without the girls, she will probably survive without me.
So here are some pics:
We ate lunch at a place called Snookers. This place has indoor and outdoor seating, a big tiki bar, and an alligator pool. It touts Floribbean cuisine on the menu and pretty much delivers just that.
At one point we walked past a fudge shop. Mariela, who is not originally from the states asked "what is fudge?" This pretty much sealed the deal that we would have to go in and show her exactly what the excitement over fudge is all about. I must say, it was good but it wasn't the best I've ever had. It was a little granular and not as smooth and creamy as it should've been. I wonder if the humidity has anything to do with the consistency. Should I just seek out every fudge factory in Florida to test my hypothesis? Probably not a good idea with me being in a wedding and all in less than four weeks.
Let's just say, it did answer the question "what is fudge" in a satisfactory way, but not it didn't convey the excellence which usually would accompany the answer.
Well, I could go on and on dissecting the meals we ate but who wants to hear about that. The point is, my friends came in to town and it was a real treat to see them. We got out on Saturday night for some drinks. Penny spent her first night apart from me in her whole entire life by sleeping over her grandparents house. Aside from the fact that I worried constantly about her-picturing her running around wildly crying at 11:30, 12:30, 1:30, etc.-it was a little bit comforting to know that IF I ever decide to treat myself to a night or two without the girls, she will probably survive without me.
So here are some pics:
JH-how's this for a moody, brooding, contrived, fakely pensive, faux-candid self-pic? Go ahead, get your digs in :-P
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Weekend Update
This weekend was quite pleasant. On Friday night I went to Chili's with the realtor to look over a contract, sign it, and discuss the plans of the next week or so regarding the house. In the end, I think I got a pretty good price and that if the inspection go well this is going to be a very good investment. Most importantly, it's going to make a good home.
The color from the outside is very pleasing to me. It is a muted teal color, more on the green side. It is a nice cool color, but it's very saturated, not too pastel. It is a one story stucco home with some nice, curvy architectural details. But with very clean lines and pretty much no intricacies like trim or anything. The landscaping is all pretty mature, the grass is thick, and there is shade. My hopefully-future-home has some trees with Spanish moss and a retention canal in the back.
As soon as my name is on the deed I will post pictures. Until then, please deal with the minute details that I love about this place. I am finally feeling pretty excited about it and want to share!
I am very pleased with the tile work in that house. The common areas have nice 18" tiled floors and the bathrooms all have good tile work in the showers and tub. I have spotted some wallpaper that's going to need removal but I have done this SO MANY TIMES that I feel like it's just something that has to happen when you move in to a place.
Usually it starts with me staring at the seams in the paper and getting slightly annoyed by it in a subconscious way until I find myself picking at the seam with my fingernail and before you know it-well, you better get yourself a can of primer, some paint, some big sponges and solution to wipe off the paper backing left behind. It is a pretty messy and fairly annoying project but in the end it is very gratifying. The paper is gone, you've washed the walls down like a baby's bottom so it couldn't possibly be cleaner, and you have a beautifully painted room.
I did this all throughout the Wood-Ridge house, even well into my pregnancy with Penny. Rob came home one day and the wallpaper in our bedroom was just gone. I was about 6 months pregnant, up on a ladder, finishing off the last pieces near the ceiling when he discovered what I had been up to all day. It was probably around this time 2 years ago.
I knew that it was time to do it because I was still somewhat agile and the air was very crisp and I knew it would dry out the room quickly. Besides, once the baby came it would be too late, plus it would be in the middle of winter. And then I knew that once the weather got better, it would time for surgery. We were pretty sure we wanted to move after he recovered so it was the right time and I just felt like pulling all of the wallpaper off the walls. And it was so worth it. We painted the room a peach color, my idea of course. Rob wasn't really a big lover of the color peach, but it worked. We got some striped orange bedding and with our very dark wood furniture it looked pretty awesome. We had two big windows with sheer beige curtains and orange valences, a picture hung between them-a black framed print of Andrew Wyeth's Master Bedroom.
What a beautiful room. Sometimes I can't stand thinking that I'll never be back in that room ever again. It still feels so familiar-carrying a laundry basket into it, chasing dust bunnies out of its corners, putting away our clothes, or straightening up Rob's shoes.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Today!
Ok, the disclaimer: I had a beer and two glasses of wine at Johnny Carino's...SO...I will try to keep this brief to avoid foot-in-mouth sydrome, but I just needed to blog about this day because it has been sort of monumental.
First, I made a formal offer on a house today that has already produced a little bit of favorable feedback from the seller's real estate agent, but I will probably not know the full scoop until today or tomorrow. When the deal is done I will post pics of the house and more details. Until then, keep you fingers crossed for me because this IS the house I would like to live in and play Martha Stewart with for the next 10 or 15 years.
Second, as mentioned earlier, I had dinner at Johnny Carino's this evening. Sadly, Johnny's is going out of business. All Johnny Carino's will be closing on Friday and re-opening months from now under a different name by the parent company. This makes me quite sad because this was the restaurant that my late husband ate his very last meal-baked tortelloni (large tortellini) and he enjoyed a nice evening with his parents, reminscing over the Wood-Ridge house and just having a real nice time with them. I have been going here once or twice every week in his honor and I am really, really sad that this will be put on hiatus for a long time.
Please, if you ever eat a good, fresh ravioli or nice piece of really fresh mozzarella cheese, pause to think of this man because few things in life made him as happy as very simple and fresh Italian food.
And third, tonight is the one hour season premier of The Office. I have been living off of anticipation for the new season of this show for the past week now. I am have fantasizing about the possibilities and potential plot twists for a while. I just can't WAIT to see a full hour of these office shenanigans!
What is going to happen with Jim and Pam?
Is Roy going to resurface and whoop Jim's ass?
Are Dwight and Angela going to make their office love affair known to their coworkers? Or are they going to grow even more secretive?
("NO COOKIE!" "But what if I'm hungry?")
Do Kelly and Ryan stay together or does he finally just ditch her? Oh, she'd be a wreak, but she'd get over it!
And Michael----ahh, Michael Scott, man who combines my two personal favorite names into one twisted Regional Manager-Michael, now that you've got Jan, are you sure you really wanted such a crazy, Martini-driven vixen in the first place? HAHAHAHAH!
Todd Packer? Will we see more of you? Will you make a cameo or two? I loved you in Anchorman and I love you even more as Todd Packer.
I'm thinking about all of the awesome characters on that show-Phyllis and Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration, Stanley, Creed-you old hippie pervert-I love you!, Toby-the scapegoat for Michael's quiet rage, Oscar, and all of the guys in the warehouse. I miss all of these characters that would make me laugh like crazy every Thursday night, comfortably from my old spot on the couch in my Wood-Ridge house, with my husband and daughter and their bowls of ice cream.
First, I made a formal offer on a house today that has already produced a little bit of favorable feedback from the seller's real estate agent, but I will probably not know the full scoop until today or tomorrow. When the deal is done I will post pics of the house and more details. Until then, keep you fingers crossed for me because this IS the house I would like to live in and play Martha Stewart with for the next 10 or 15 years.
Second, as mentioned earlier, I had dinner at Johnny Carino's this evening. Sadly, Johnny's is going out of business. All Johnny Carino's will be closing on Friday and re-opening months from now under a different name by the parent company. This makes me quite sad because this was the restaurant that my late husband ate his very last meal-baked tortelloni (large tortellini) and he enjoyed a nice evening with his parents, reminscing over the Wood-Ridge house and just having a real nice time with them. I have been going here once or twice every week in his honor and I am really, really sad that this will be put on hiatus for a long time.
Please, if you ever eat a good, fresh ravioli or nice piece of really fresh mozzarella cheese, pause to think of this man because few things in life made him as happy as very simple and fresh Italian food.
And third, tonight is the one hour season premier of The Office. I have been living off of anticipation for the new season of this show for the past week now. I am have fantasizing about the possibilities and potential plot twists for a while. I just can't WAIT to see a full hour of these office shenanigans!
What is going to happen with Jim and Pam?
Is Roy going to resurface and whoop Jim's ass?
Are Dwight and Angela going to make their office love affair known to their coworkers? Or are they going to grow even more secretive?
("NO COOKIE!" "But what if I'm hungry?")
Do Kelly and Ryan stay together or does he finally just ditch her? Oh, she'd be a wreak, but she'd get over it!
And Michael----ahh, Michael Scott, man who combines my two personal favorite names into one twisted Regional Manager-Michael, now that you've got Jan, are you sure you really wanted such a crazy, Martini-driven vixen in the first place? HAHAHAHAH!
Todd Packer? Will we see more of you? Will you make a cameo or two? I loved you in Anchorman and I love you even more as Todd Packer.
I'm thinking about all of the awesome characters on that show-Phyllis and Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration, Stanley, Creed-you old hippie pervert-I love you!, Toby-the scapegoat for Michael's quiet rage, Oscar, and all of the guys in the warehouse. I miss all of these characters that would make me laugh like crazy every Thursday night, comfortably from my old spot on the couch in my Wood-Ridge house, with my husband and daughter and their bowls of ice cream.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Laughing Together
I am having a kid-free morning and loving it! Is that an awful thing to say, as a mom? I don't think so.
My inlaws took Penny with them when they came to pick up Sadie for school. This was at 7 am. I have been enjoying the blessing which is ALONE TIME so much. It is pretty rare these days, I can get it when I need it but I always feel guilty asking. However, when it's someone else's idea I feel no shame at all!
After they left, I promptly finished up taking care of the dogs and left the house for the YMCA. I went on the treadmill for a bit and burned some calories. I still feel a little bit-OK, VERY-awkward there but it is getting better. I think tomorrow I might take a beginner's cycling class since Penny is going with her grandmother for the morning to some kind of toddler thing at the church my father-in-law works at.
WOO HOO! TWO DAYS IN A ROW OF FREE MORNING TIME! CAN I GET A WITNESS!
One of my favorite pleasures in life right now is listening to the Steve Harvey morning show. This is good radio. I love talk radio, but kind of got sick of Stern a couple of years ago when he moved to satellite. I am not too keen on most morning radio talk shows because they are just too...I don't know...stupid, I guess.
Steve Harvey seems like a good guy and pokes fun at a lot of things but isn't venomous. Plus, they play a lot of R&B in between bits and without getting into it too much here, I am starting to like R&B again. LOL. What, that's not cool? I like dramatic lyrics, OK?
My favorite part of the show that I try to hear every morning while driving around, drinking my Dunkin Donuts coffee and feeding the baby bagels from the driver's seat is when they read a fan's letter asking for advice about a particular life topic. It's very juicy! The problems are always very personal and really serious-like marriage, divorce, family, children, abuse, whatever. It's not so much Jerry Springer-type issues with the cross-dressing, gender-bending issues. These are problems that real people have, people who are trying to live intelligently and do some good.
I love the way Steve Harvey addresses these problems and answers these people. He cuts right to the chase and tells it exactly like it is and sort of gives a verbal ass beating when it's called for. He's never mean or nasty, he's just real. I think if I ever need a verbal ass beating I am going to write the show a letter with my issue and just follow his advice.
I think the best part of this routine is that some of the things on the show actually make me laugh out loud, which the baby loves, and mimics in return. She has no idea why I'm laughing, but that doesn't matter. All that matters is that we are laughing together.
My inlaws took Penny with them when they came to pick up Sadie for school. This was at 7 am. I have been enjoying the blessing which is ALONE TIME so much. It is pretty rare these days, I can get it when I need it but I always feel guilty asking. However, when it's someone else's idea I feel no shame at all!
After they left, I promptly finished up taking care of the dogs and left the house for the YMCA. I went on the treadmill for a bit and burned some calories. I still feel a little bit-OK, VERY-awkward there but it is getting better. I think tomorrow I might take a beginner's cycling class since Penny is going with her grandmother for the morning to some kind of toddler thing at the church my father-in-law works at.
WOO HOO! TWO DAYS IN A ROW OF FREE MORNING TIME! CAN I GET A WITNESS!
One of my favorite pleasures in life right now is listening to the Steve Harvey morning show. This is good radio. I love talk radio, but kind of got sick of Stern a couple of years ago when he moved to satellite. I am not too keen on most morning radio talk shows because they are just too...I don't know...stupid, I guess.
Steve Harvey seems like a good guy and pokes fun at a lot of things but isn't venomous. Plus, they play a lot of R&B in between bits and without getting into it too much here, I am starting to like R&B again. LOL. What, that's not cool? I like dramatic lyrics, OK?
My favorite part of the show that I try to hear every morning while driving around, drinking my Dunkin Donuts coffee and feeding the baby bagels from the driver's seat is when they read a fan's letter asking for advice about a particular life topic. It's very juicy! The problems are always very personal and really serious-like marriage, divorce, family, children, abuse, whatever. It's not so much Jerry Springer-type issues with the cross-dressing, gender-bending issues. These are problems that real people have, people who are trying to live intelligently and do some good.
I love the way Steve Harvey addresses these problems and answers these people. He cuts right to the chase and tells it exactly like it is and sort of gives a verbal ass beating when it's called for. He's never mean or nasty, he's just real. I think if I ever need a verbal ass beating I am going to write the show a letter with my issue and just follow his advice.
I think the best part of this routine is that some of the things on the show actually make me laugh out loud, which the baby loves, and mimics in return. She has no idea why I'm laughing, but that doesn't matter. All that matters is that we are laughing together.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Tomorrow my realtor and I are going out to look at a home for a second time. I am bringing my father-in-law along so that he can look at it and assess whether or not there are any structural or related issues lurking around the corner. Sometimes I tend to miss these things. Of course I would have an inspection done if I buy it, but I'd like to just skip this process if, say, the hot water heater is ready to burst or the roof is ready to cave in.
The house is very pleasing, aesthetically, and it's on just enough property for a single mom like me to handle. The lot is about 1/3 of an acre but it's very private in the back, coming up to a retention canal and facing a small conservation area across the street. The neighbors on one side have a nice, white vinyl privacy fence. I sure hope the neighbors on the other side won't mind if I put one up too! I'm going to have to, for everyone's sake, with these noisy dogs of mine.
The other house that I am interested in if this one doesn't pan out is very nice too. It's on a little bit more property, 1/2 an acre, with a good fence and lots of trees in the backyard. This house is vacant and very clean on the inside.
This is all very exciting but it's very sad for me too. I have never had to make a decision this large before regarding money and property-alone at least. I can get my father's input, and I can bring my father-in-law along, but ultimately, this is going to be my house, it is a big investment and commitment and it's definitely a very odd feeling being in the driver's seat.
Yeah, I think that's what I'll do. 
The house is very pleasing, aesthetically, and it's on just enough property for a single mom like me to handle. The lot is about 1/3 of an acre but it's very private in the back, coming up to a retention canal and facing a small conservation area across the street. The neighbors on one side have a nice, white vinyl privacy fence. I sure hope the neighbors on the other side won't mind if I put one up too! I'm going to have to, for everyone's sake, with these noisy dogs of mine.
The other house that I am interested in if this one doesn't pan out is very nice too. It's on a little bit more property, 1/2 an acre, with a good fence and lots of trees in the backyard. This house is vacant and very clean on the inside.
This is all very exciting but it's very sad for me too. I have never had to make a decision this large before regarding money and property-alone at least. I can get my father's input, and I can bring my father-in-law along, but ultimately, this is going to be my house, it is a big investment and commitment and it's definitely a very odd feeling being in the driver's seat.
***
Aside from all of that, I think the lime is almost ready to be picked. Jon and Mariela will be in town over the weekend so maybe I can find a way to share it with them, if it is in fact ready to be picked. There are many limes on the tree, but this one by far is the nicest. It's big and plump and just starting to give a little bit under my fingers when I squeeze it. I am half-tempted to buy a very small bottle of very good tequila and just leaving the girls with my inlaws and having a little tequila tasting at my humble abode. Maybe by then, I'll know where my next permanent residence will be. That'll be something worth celebrating.
Yeah, I think that's what I'll do.
Florida Wildlife
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Photos, photos, photos
I have been wanting to use the camera, but the batteries have been dead for a long time. As a reasonably intelligent human being I probaby could've solved this problem a long time ago but I am intermittently paralyzed by inertia. Since Sadie and I were going to Ybor City today I decided to apply myself to this minor problem, and voila, fully charged batteries and pictures taken!
I almost gave up on uploading any pictures at all until I pressed forward a tiny bit and found the cable that connects the camera to the computer. More success. Here are some pics. Many are not of very good quality but I figured they are worth a look anyway.
The Girls
Old Kitchen
Old Lady
Shirley Temple
Messy
Evie
Winnie Carlos Winnie
A Little Blurry
Lovey Dove
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Some More Words for Today
It almost feels selfish not to say something about what day it is today. Here we are on the sixth anniversary of 9/11 and no one really seems to know what to do about today. Should we mourn as a country, should we move on, what should we do.
Well, damned if I know that answer to that, but I don't think it should ever just go back to being an ordinary day.
The best thing that I can do on 9/11 is to reflect on what was going on in my life and how the events of that day affected me and to feel compassion for the multitude of people who were affected in the worst ways possible. I didn't lose any loved ones to 9/11 but I'm very sorry for the people who did. Such a terrible act of hatred. There's really no way to make any sense out of it that I can see and I just hope that all of those souls and all of their families are finding some kind of peace with the passage of time.
What I remember about that day, in my own very insignificant way is as follows:
I had been living at my parents' house for the millionth and hopefully last time for about 6 months. I sought solace there after a rather heated and violent ending to a dead-end relationship. I had started my prerequisite courses for my nursing degree and life was fairly easy. I was working as a CNA at Littlebrook Nursing Home in Califon-a lovely small facility in the rolling hills of New Jersey, where Hunterdon, Morris, and Warren counties meet.
Rob and I had just met a few weeks prior to this date. We had been emailing and talking on the phone for a little while before we met. I was absolutely head over heels in love with him and trying to figure out how to A) make him aware that I WAS THE ONE, and B) not freak him out with my manic, almost stalker-like habits regarding falling in love. My stomach was in a constant state of semi-nauseousness, I couldn't sleep, I was giddy, I was a little on the manic side-all positive symptoms of me falling in love.
I literally could've talked to him on the phone 24 hours a day if he was game for this. I absolutely couldn't get enough of him. Life was beautiful because I had found an amazing person to pour romantic love towards. He wasn't scared of the idea of dating a single mom and he was very interested in me as a person.
Beautiful.
That Tuesday I dropped Sadie off at school and went for my usual cruise. Let it be known that I am very fond of long drives, cruising, getting lost and then finding my way back home. So this was what I was doing, although there was no getting lost even if I tried. And I did. Mostly I would listen to music or Howard Stern. That morning I must have been listening to music because I didn't hear the news on the radio. Most likely I was listening to Smashing Pumpkins. It would just fit the picture.
I stopped at the Walmart in Clinton for something and I remember thinking it was kind of strange to see a group of about five or six managers kind of huddled around, hearing one say "I don't think it was random." There was a gravity to his voice, when mixed with these words just seemed quite dark to me. The impression was fleeting, so I paid and left.
When I got home, my brother Jon was awake, on the phone, and the TV was on. Considering the fact that he was awake before noon, I became a little bit concerned. My best friend at the time, Tamara, was on the phone and giving him the frightening news that something really awful was happening in New York, in real time.
At that point the first tower had been struck and no one really knew what in the world was happening. My brother and I retreated to the deck out back momentarily. The sky was clear, the weather perfect. When we came back inside, the second tower had just been struck. It was quite obvious that this was intentional. It seemed like minute by minute some new and awful thing was happening. The Pentagon, the plane crashing in Pennsylvania.
I called Sadie's school and was told that they really didn't have any specific disaster plan. The secretary told me if I would like to pick her up that would be fine. Darn tootin' I'd like to pick her up. It's the fucking end of the world, thank you.
I tried to call my mom, I tried to call my dad, I tried to call Rob. All circuits busy. For a LONG time. Just my luck, I meet the guy of my dreams and it's the end of the goddamn world. If you know my abysmal history with relationships you'll get the humor in that.
Thank you God, for not making it really be the end of the world. For me though, on that day, it truly felt like it could've been. I've never been so frightened by anything in my life, at least not in a global sense. Over the next couple of days not a plane was to be seen in the sky. Everyone I knew or knew of made it out of the city and back home unscathed. The little country airport by my parents' house let no planes into the sky for quite a while. The air was simply inhabited by the birds and insects while everyone tried to make sense of it all.
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Is that a run-on sentence or an obnoxiously long rhetorical question?
Well, damned if I know that answer to that, but I don't think it should ever just go back to being an ordinary day.
The best thing that I can do on 9/11 is to reflect on what was going on in my life and how the events of that day affected me and to feel compassion for the multitude of people who were affected in the worst ways possible. I didn't lose any loved ones to 9/11 but I'm very sorry for the people who did. Such a terrible act of hatred. There's really no way to make any sense out of it that I can see and I just hope that all of those souls and all of their families are finding some kind of peace with the passage of time.
What I remember about that day, in my own very insignificant way is as follows:
I had been living at my parents' house for the millionth and hopefully last time for about 6 months. I sought solace there after a rather heated and violent ending to a dead-end relationship. I had started my prerequisite courses for my nursing degree and life was fairly easy. I was working as a CNA at Littlebrook Nursing Home in Califon-a lovely small facility in the rolling hills of New Jersey, where Hunterdon, Morris, and Warren counties meet.
Rob and I had just met a few weeks prior to this date. We had been emailing and talking on the phone for a little while before we met. I was absolutely head over heels in love with him and trying to figure out how to A) make him aware that I WAS THE ONE, and B) not freak him out with my manic, almost stalker-like habits regarding falling in love. My stomach was in a constant state of semi-nauseousness, I couldn't sleep, I was giddy, I was a little on the manic side-all positive symptoms of me falling in love.
I literally could've talked to him on the phone 24 hours a day if he was game for this. I absolutely couldn't get enough of him. Life was beautiful because I had found an amazing person to pour romantic love towards. He wasn't scared of the idea of dating a single mom and he was very interested in me as a person.
Beautiful.
That Tuesday I dropped Sadie off at school and went for my usual cruise. Let it be known that I am very fond of long drives, cruising, getting lost and then finding my way back home. So this was what I was doing, although there was no getting lost even if I tried. And I did. Mostly I would listen to music or Howard Stern. That morning I must have been listening to music because I didn't hear the news on the radio. Most likely I was listening to Smashing Pumpkins. It would just fit the picture.
I stopped at the Walmart in Clinton for something and I remember thinking it was kind of strange to see a group of about five or six managers kind of huddled around, hearing one say "I don't think it was random." There was a gravity to his voice, when mixed with these words just seemed quite dark to me. The impression was fleeting, so I paid and left.
When I got home, my brother Jon was awake, on the phone, and the TV was on. Considering the fact that he was awake before noon, I became a little bit concerned. My best friend at the time, Tamara, was on the phone and giving him the frightening news that something really awful was happening in New York, in real time.
At that point the first tower had been struck and no one really knew what in the world was happening. My brother and I retreated to the deck out back momentarily. The sky was clear, the weather perfect. When we came back inside, the second tower had just been struck. It was quite obvious that this was intentional. It seemed like minute by minute some new and awful thing was happening. The Pentagon, the plane crashing in Pennsylvania.
I called Sadie's school and was told that they really didn't have any specific disaster plan. The secretary told me if I would like to pick her up that would be fine. Darn tootin' I'd like to pick her up. It's the fucking end of the world, thank you.
I tried to call my mom, I tried to call my dad, I tried to call Rob. All circuits busy. For a LONG time. Just my luck, I meet the guy of my dreams and it's the end of the goddamn world. If you know my abysmal history with relationships you'll get the humor in that.
Thank you God, for not making it really be the end of the world. For me though, on that day, it truly felt like it could've been. I've never been so frightened by anything in my life, at least not in a global sense. Over the next couple of days not a plane was to be seen in the sky. Everyone I knew or knew of made it out of the city and back home unscathed. The little country airport by my parents' house let no planes into the sky for quite a while. The air was simply inhabited by the birds and insects while everyone tried to make sense of it all.
***
Some pics for your enjoyment:
At work, looking cute, with a really nice shirt (I love a man who wears good shirts)
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Pleased as Punch
My Girls
***
Do I always have to hear that song "How to Save a Life" by the Fray when it is totally inconvenient to just break down and cry? How long is this going to go on for? I mean, can I please just go in to Staples and buy my things without hearing this song and having to walk around really, really slow, and try not to cry (which is impossible) and not even be able to concentrate on what I'm supposed to by, much less where these things are located while I can't even see with the tears in my eyes, lump in my throat, and my new friend named Nausea?Is that a run-on sentence or an obnoxiously long rhetorical question?
The Eternal Search for Answers
I hope that in twenty years when I look back on this time I'll feel confident that I did the best I could. I'm trying to tune every step I take to fit that wish. Most tasks are slow-going and I've found that I really can't do much more than perform one or two administrative tasks and unpack one or two boxes every day. Some days I only get a fraction of that done. Between toddler-tending, desperately trying to meet the needs of a fourteen year-old daughter, and maybe just trying to do one good thing for myself each day (mentally or physically) I have my hands full.
And the dogs! Don't forget the dogs! They have needs too. Mostly they just need lots and lots of love and affection. They have been SO good these days, getting along famously without a bit of friction. The good thing about the dogs is that when I've exhausted Sadie and Penny's quota of doting I can turn to them. They are bottomless pits when it comes to receiving all of the extra love I have right now. In return they give me their silly dog smiles (um, yeah, dogs DO smile) and can dish out every little bit that they can take.
Desperately I look for meaning in everything-in my environment, in my interactions with people, in dreams, in the things I read, and the songs I listen to. I stretch my imagination to its limits. I have returned to the younger version of myself-the one that looks for signs in everything, who talks to spiders and birds, who believes that thunder is God's way of letting me know he's still there.
And the dogs! Don't forget the dogs! They have needs too. Mostly they just need lots and lots of love and affection. They have been SO good these days, getting along famously without a bit of friction. The good thing about the dogs is that when I've exhausted Sadie and Penny's quota of doting I can turn to them. They are bottomless pits when it comes to receiving all of the extra love I have right now. In return they give me their silly dog smiles (um, yeah, dogs DO smile) and can dish out every little bit that they can take.
Desperately I look for meaning in everything-in my environment, in my interactions with people, in dreams, in the things I read, and the songs I listen to. I stretch my imagination to its limits. I have returned to the younger version of myself-the one that looks for signs in everything, who talks to spiders and birds, who believes that thunder is God's way of letting me know he's still there.
Friday, September 07, 2007
Lately...
We are starting to form some kind of routine. This is the only way to survive. Without the girls I think I would be a total mess-undisciplined, nocturnal, drunk, and probably suffering from poor hygiene. With the girls I make meals, loosely adhere to a sleeping schedule, find reasons to smile, and occasionally crack the whip.
People ask how I'm doing and my basic response is: up and down. This is true. There are moments when I am lost in total despair and then there are moments when I am totally confident that I will remake our lives into something that is happy and full of meaning.
There is a lime tree in my backyard with ten or twelves limes ripening on it. I keep on checking the biggest one every day and it still feels too firm to pick. I know nothing about growing fruit, but maybe I'll learn a little bit more about that through this tree.
Penny has taken to climbing on top of the dining room table every time I'm not looking. She likes to shake the salt and pepper shakers. This morning she got to the table while I was doing something and broke a bowl that I had in the middle of the table. I was nice, part of my Noritake Colorwave set, a large, shallow bowl that I used to serve vegetables or pasta during holidays and other special dinners. She cut her thumb while doing this. It's just a small cut but it was bleeding a lot. She ripped off the first band aid and started bleeding again. We're having more success with the second band aid.
Sadie is doing pretty well in school and with friends. She's tending the rabbit that my father-in-law found and it appears to be thriving. We are anxiously awaiting her new bedroom furniture. She has a lot more homework than she is used to but she's taking it like a champ. If she keeps her GPA in a decent range she will be eligible for a trip to Germany with her German class in April. It's really nice for her to have something like that to look forward to.
We are also getting ready for my sister-in-law's wedding. The three of us got our dresses, had them fitted for minor alterations, and just need to pick them up about a week before the wedding. In the meantime, I need to watch what I eat so I can look as awesome as possible in this dress.
Which leads me to another thing-we all joined the YMCA. I haven't actually gone and used the facilities yet but I can see it in my future. Perhaps we'll go this weekend. They have a child care area that will watch children for 90 minutes while you do whatever it is you do there. I am very interested in taking spin classes. I heard that it's intense and burns a lot of calories. I like the fact that I won't have to actually jump around with other human beings. I am not ready for that yet. At any rate, it looks very clean and everyone seems very friendly.
Time to start another weekend. I really have no internal distinction between weekdays and weekends. It's all a blur to me. In some ways it feels like only yesterday that Rob passed away-so much of my feelings are still very fresh. Every morning when I wake up I feel so sad that I will not see him today. Then I realize that it's been five weeks. Still close, but yet so far from the last time I ever saw him.
People ask how I'm doing and my basic response is: up and down. This is true. There are moments when I am lost in total despair and then there are moments when I am totally confident that I will remake our lives into something that is happy and full of meaning.
There is a lime tree in my backyard with ten or twelves limes ripening on it. I keep on checking the biggest one every day and it still feels too firm to pick. I know nothing about growing fruit, but maybe I'll learn a little bit more about that through this tree.
Penny has taken to climbing on top of the dining room table every time I'm not looking. She likes to shake the salt and pepper shakers. This morning she got to the table while I was doing something and broke a bowl that I had in the middle of the table. I was nice, part of my Noritake Colorwave set, a large, shallow bowl that I used to serve vegetables or pasta during holidays and other special dinners. She cut her thumb while doing this. It's just a small cut but it was bleeding a lot. She ripped off the first band aid and started bleeding again. We're having more success with the second band aid.
Sadie is doing pretty well in school and with friends. She's tending the rabbit that my father-in-law found and it appears to be thriving. We are anxiously awaiting her new bedroom furniture. She has a lot more homework than she is used to but she's taking it like a champ. If she keeps her GPA in a decent range she will be eligible for a trip to Germany with her German class in April. It's really nice for her to have something like that to look forward to.
We are also getting ready for my sister-in-law's wedding. The three of us got our dresses, had them fitted for minor alterations, and just need to pick them up about a week before the wedding. In the meantime, I need to watch what I eat so I can look as awesome as possible in this dress.
Which leads me to another thing-we all joined the YMCA. I haven't actually gone and used the facilities yet but I can see it in my future. Perhaps we'll go this weekend. They have a child care area that will watch children for 90 minutes while you do whatever it is you do there. I am very interested in taking spin classes. I heard that it's intense and burns a lot of calories. I like the fact that I won't have to actually jump around with other human beings. I am not ready for that yet. At any rate, it looks very clean and everyone seems very friendly.
Time to start another weekend. I really have no internal distinction between weekdays and weekends. It's all a blur to me. In some ways it feels like only yesterday that Rob passed away-so much of my feelings are still very fresh. Every morning when I wake up I feel so sad that I will not see him today. Then I realize that it's been five weeks. Still close, but yet so far from the last time I ever saw him.
Monday, September 03, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Today is our anniversary. Four years ago today Rob and I got married. I started this post by typing "today would've been our four year anniversary." The italics I have just added as an after thought. I deleted that line and rewrote it. It is still is our anniversary.
Not would've been, but is.
It is impossible to really celebrate this day, at least today, but I can honor it. I started by cleaning my engagement ring. I haven't done this for months and months and it had accumulated all kinds of gunk around the area where the stone meets the setting. Months-worth of soap residue, latex glove powder, hand lotion, and whatever else lurks beneath had gathered underneath the diamond and it didn't sparkle as brightly as it should have.
So I got myself some jewelry cleaner and soaked it and scrubbed it. It's much better. I love this ring as much now as the day I got it and maybe even a little bit more. Any ring would've been a lovely choice but he put so much thought into this particular ring that it breaks my heart to look at it again and think of it's story.
The way I was told was this: JH went with him to the diamond district in New York and he was able to hand select the stone which is just a perfectly round cut diamond just a hair over one karat. It was a loose stone among others that he selected for whatever reason, probably a combination of price, size, cut. He decided to have it placed by itself in a simple Tiffany setting on white gold. If you know me, you know that this solitaire arrangement is exactly what I am about.
A few months before that he asked me a few vague questions about what kind of rings I liked and what I pictured an ideal engagement ring to be. He also took me into a jewelry store and had my finger sized. This lead me to believe that something really good was headed down the road, but I maintained my patience and never pressed him for anything. He surely must have known how much I loved him and wanted to be with him forever without me having to nag him for a ring or drag him into jewelry stores pointing out what I liked.
All I ever told him was that as far as rings go, I preferred solitaires with one really good stone. Because of my profession I needed something easy to don and remove gloves and to keep clean. I am also a simple person with very simple wants and needs-the ring really fit me perfectly. I feel like it also fit our relationship perfectly. I see it as a symbol of us. It is one singular, beautiful thing.
Four years ago it was a lovely day for a wedding. Together, we did a fine job of coordinating the event in five month's time. Our determination was to throw the best party that either of us had ever put together. I really think we pulled it off.
There are so many more memories I could pull out regarding August 23, 2003 but I will have to revisit them another time. The baby is finally napping and I have to find something productive to do. Task lists are weighing heavily in mind and deadlines are breathing down my neck. Until I return to this topic, enjoy a picture or two or three...
A scan, not the best quality, but I will never get over the look on his face. So happy.
Getting ready for the big event with JH
Honeymoon in Cozumel
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
I don't even know where to begin with this post.
Or with life.
I have so much unfinished business to take care of. On the other hand I have rushed through so many vital tasks that I can hardly catch my breath. We are in the middle of major, life-changing shit here people.
For starters, Sadie started high school yesterday. She was worried sick about it the night before. So was I. That morning was a little rough getting organized. Somehow we managed to get there on time.
When she got out of the car I told her I loved her, as is my habit. She told me she loved me too and shut the door behind her. As she rushed off to homeroom I watched her for a few moments and then felt so acutely lonely. This was a moment that someone else would've liked to have been there for too. I let a few tears go, but the baby was in the backseat and she needed breakfast.
Turns out that Sadie had two good days of school in a row. She is taking German and Geography as her electives and the rest of the classes are just the usual required courses. She has made a few friends. She told me today that she "loved" this school. This helps to mend my broken heart just a little bit.
Also, friends help mend my broken heart a little bit too. I have had some good visitors, good email, good conversations, good communication in general. I've had one or two bits of drama but I cannot let things like that overshadow the good will and intentions that have been poured into our lives.
And it reminds me that people are mostly good.
Or with life.
I have so much unfinished business to take care of. On the other hand I have rushed through so many vital tasks that I can hardly catch my breath. We are in the middle of major, life-changing shit here people.
For starters, Sadie started high school yesterday. She was worried sick about it the night before. So was I. That morning was a little rough getting organized. Somehow we managed to get there on time.
When she got out of the car I told her I loved her, as is my habit. She told me she loved me too and shut the door behind her. As she rushed off to homeroom I watched her for a few moments and then felt so acutely lonely. This was a moment that someone else would've liked to have been there for too. I let a few tears go, but the baby was in the backseat and she needed breakfast.
Turns out that Sadie had two good days of school in a row. She is taking German and Geography as her electives and the rest of the classes are just the usual required courses. She has made a few friends. She told me today that she "loved" this school. This helps to mend my broken heart just a little bit.
Also, friends help mend my broken heart a little bit too. I have had some good visitors, good email, good conversations, good communication in general. I've had one or two bits of drama but I cannot let things like that overshadow the good will and intentions that have been poured into our lives.
And it reminds me that people are mostly good.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Taking it One Day at a Time
Today was the first quiet day we had in a long time. I took a ride around the neighborhood and it's not so bad. I took a walk around 2 o'clock but it was pretty hot so I cut it short.
I think swamp ass was invented in Florida.
But by the same token I like it hot outside. Everything feels very alive and thriving down here. There's a lot of green wherever I look. Lawns are wide and trees are dripping with Spanish moss. What do they live off of? Tree bark and humidity I guess. Lizards crawl all over the lanai screens and sidewalks during the day. Frogs are abundant at night. Sometimes I spot sand cranes in pairs in the backyard here.
Also, the people are nice. In the drive through and at the stores they call me honey and I think they actually mean it. If a stranger were to call me honey up in Bergen County I'd either be running for my life or in a rage over their sarcasm. But here-I think they actually mean it. And I miss being called honey so I will not only put up with it but cherish it too.
I think swamp ass was invented in Florida.
But by the same token I like it hot outside. Everything feels very alive and thriving down here. There's a lot of green wherever I look. Lawns are wide and trees are dripping with Spanish moss. What do they live off of? Tree bark and humidity I guess. Lizards crawl all over the lanai screens and sidewalks during the day. Frogs are abundant at night. Sometimes I spot sand cranes in pairs in the backyard here.
Also, the people are nice. In the drive through and at the stores they call me honey and I think they actually mean it. If a stranger were to call me honey up in Bergen County I'd either be running for my life or in a rage over their sarcasm. But here-I think they actually mean it. And I miss being called honey so I will not only put up with it but cherish it too.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
St. Petersburg Times Article
The St. Pete times ran a nice piece on Rob with a beautiful picture that I knew he would've liked. He had commented many times "damn, I look good in this picture." The online article doesn't feature the picture and there will come a time when that online piece either expires or otherwise becomes unavailable so I just wanted to put it all together in one place where it will always be accessible. I'm pretty sure that everyone reading this blog has already read the article, which isn't 100% historically accurate but it's still a really nice tribute and I'm very thankful to the author Andrew Meacham for doing a very nice job.
Human trivia bank embraced computers, '80s songs
By ANDREW MEACHAM, Times Staff Writer-Published August 7, 2007
He might never have moved to Florida.
Rob Shaw liked the house in Wood-Ridge, N.J. It was a place where he and his wife could bring up their two daughters. But at the end of the walkthrough, his Tourette's syndrome kicked in. The sudden tics and utterances took the Realtor by surprise.
"Oh, do you have that strange disease?" she asked.
Rob told the Realtor he would rather die than buy a house from her.
He found a warmer welcome in Spring Hill near his parents.
Shaw and his wife had recently picked out a house. They were set to close on the home soon and planned to celebrate by touring Florida: driving to the Panhandle, then to the Everglades and finally hitting South Beach.
They never got the chance.
Shaw died Thursday at his parents' home in Spring Hill. He was 37. Last year he had heart surgery.
As a student teacher at Jersey City State University, Shaw had briefly managed to get inner-city high school students engaged in Hamlet.
But he passed on a teaching career and found a niche in computers. He had thousands of '80s songs in his iPod. A human trivia bank, Shaw inhaled movies, often lacing his conversation with lines from Tombstone, Die Hard, Porky's or American Pie.
He was a diminutive neatnik at 5-foot-4 who favored khakis and Polo shirts. He took out everyday frustrations with rants that reminded co-workers of George Costanza in Seinfeld. He needled them, too, sometimes hurting feelings, but making up for it later.
"The humor was not to cover his Tourette's," said Robert Lotz, who worked with Shaw at a marketing company. "But the attention was already on him. Instead of people staring at him or feeling sorry for him, he wanted to connect with people."
Shaw liked surprises. He proposed to his wife by hiding a solitaire diamond in a plate of fruit. And when she passed her nursing boards, he gave her a Dalmatian puppy.
"My life was chaotic before I met him," said Elizabeth Shaw, 32. "He brought a safety and peace and the hope that everything would always be okay."
The moving truck with all of their belongings arrives tomorrow.
Andrew Meacham can be reached at 661-2431 or mailto:ameacham@sptimes.com.%3C/p%3E%3Cp%3E%3Cp%3E.biography%3C/p%3E%3Cp%3ERobert
Biography
Robert Alan Shaw III
Born: March 23, 1970
Died: Aug. 2, 2007
Survivors: A wife, Elizabeth; daughters Sadie and Penelope; parents, Robert and Audrey Shaw; a sister, Nicole Shaw; and grandfathers Robert Shaw and Nicholas Lisanti. Donations should go to the Tourette Syndrome Association, accessible online at www.tsa-usa.org/; or the Harvard Brain Tissue Resource Center, www.brainbank.mclean.org/.
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
A Review
I was re-reading some of this blog just now and going over the last one I wrote in NJ before the teary train ride to FL. In a way the subject matter in the beginning of that entry pains me to read-talking about my old aspiration to be a mortician and then how I wound up caring for the departed later on in life anyway. How cold it might seem to some people. I'm not really here to apologize for that because it is what it is and anyone who knows me knows I am not a cold person. Still, I wanted to make it clear that that sort of work is really an act of love-at least, it was on my part. I know that is a difficult concept to convey, but it is true.
But still, when I wrote that entry, how innocent I was to the heartache that comes from this kind of experience. And I can't help but feel chills regarding the timing. Chills.
I have talked with a few people about the coldness I felt when I found out about Robert's passing. A blast of coldness and my blood literally turned to ice. That is the only way I can describe it. I wish I could erase it from my memory. I wish I could just banish it and make it go away.
Now this is the paragraph where one usually shows the brighter side or the blessing in disguise. I am afraid that that is probably going to elude me for quite some time. However, I will say that everyone's support and good wishes and positive vibes are keeping me afloat. This may be the worst thing I have ever experienced, but I try to remind myself that the children are healthy, I have a roof over my head, and a lot of good guidance from those older and wiser than me.
Robert was my Doc Holliday. He was my Captain Miller. He was my huckleberry.
Now I just have to earn it.
(JH, Thank you in advance for allowing me to blatantly rip off a few very beautiful things you said about Robert in his eulogy. You are a daisy...)
But still, when I wrote that entry, how innocent I was to the heartache that comes from this kind of experience. And I can't help but feel chills regarding the timing. Chills.
I have talked with a few people about the coldness I felt when I found out about Robert's passing. A blast of coldness and my blood literally turned to ice. That is the only way I can describe it. I wish I could erase it from my memory. I wish I could just banish it and make it go away.
Now this is the paragraph where one usually shows the brighter side or the blessing in disguise. I am afraid that that is probably going to elude me for quite some time. However, I will say that everyone's support and good wishes and positive vibes are keeping me afloat. This may be the worst thing I have ever experienced, but I try to remind myself that the children are healthy, I have a roof over my head, and a lot of good guidance from those older and wiser than me.
Robert was my Doc Holliday. He was my Captain Miller. He was my huckleberry.
Now I just have to earn it.
(JH, Thank you in advance for allowing me to blatantly rip off a few very beautiful things you said about Robert in his eulogy. You are a daisy...)
Monday, August 06, 2007
Better Together
by Jack Johnson
There's no combination of words
I could put on the back of a postcard
No song that I could sing
But I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things
Like a, shoebox of photographs
With sepiatone loving
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? And where do we go?And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy and
Sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing it's always better when we're together
It's always better when we're together
Yeah, we'll look at the stars when we're together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together
And all of these moments
Just might find their way into my dreams tonight
But I know that they'll be gone
When the morning light sings
And brings new things
For tomorrow night you see
That they'll be gone too
Too many things I have to do
But if all of these dreams might find their way
Into my day to day scene
I'd be under the impression
I was somewhere in between
With only two
Just me and you
Not so many things we got to do
Or places we got to be
We'll sit beneath the mango tree now
It's always better when we're together
We're somewhere in between together
Well, it's always better when we're together
Yeah, it's always better when we're together
I believe in memories
They look so, so pretty when I sleep
Hey now, and when I wake up,
You look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is not enough time,
And there is no, no song I could sing
And there is no combination of words I could say
But I will still tell you one thing
We're better together
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Tagging Myself
Jean posted this on her blog yesterday. I cannot resist things like this. Too bad my other 2 readers aren't bloggers. I know f0r sure that their 8 random facts would be a very good read.
I've been tagged by “You-know-who-you-are-and-you-know-what-you-did!”
Here are the rules:
1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.
Random Facts and Habits about Liz:
1. I seriously contemplated being a mortician when I was too young to even know what goth was. I wasn't even trying to be cool, I actually wanted to do this until my father told me that he couldn't live with the idea of me washing a dead man's penis.
2. I have gone on to wash more dead men's penises than I can remember...for, like, way less money than a mortician.
3. To me, the best smell in the world is the smell of amniotic fluid and newborn baby all mixed together. I wish they made a perfume that smelled exactly like it.
4. Once in nursing school, I had to pick up an obstetrician's yarmulke and put it back on his head when it got knocked off by a forceful jet of amniotic fluid. That was kind of wild.
5. When I was a child, about 8 or 9, there was a good 6-month period of time where I became obsessed with even numbers and symmetry. I would tap one leg and be compelled to tap the other. I would move one hand and have to do the same movement with the other hand. I would think a thought, then think it again to keep everything even. I guess I was stressed out or something.
6. I enjoy cleaning up really big, bad messes-if they don't belong to me. I have often thought about abandoning my career for work in cleaning up really awful messes-the kind where you need to don biohazard suits. I could also see myself successfully running a very nice ice cream parlor.
7. I love every fruit and vegetable known to mankind.
8. Like a true Scorpio, I thrive on change. I enjoy creation and destruction. Beginnings and endings. I get bored in the middle.
I've been tagged by “You-know-who-you-are-and-you-know-what-you-did!”
Here are the rules:
1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.
Random Facts and Habits about Liz:
1. I seriously contemplated being a mortician when I was too young to even know what goth was. I wasn't even trying to be cool, I actually wanted to do this until my father told me that he couldn't live with the idea of me washing a dead man's penis.
2. I have gone on to wash more dead men's penises than I can remember...for, like, way less money than a mortician.
3. To me, the best smell in the world is the smell of amniotic fluid and newborn baby all mixed together. I wish they made a perfume that smelled exactly like it.
4. Once in nursing school, I had to pick up an obstetrician's yarmulke and put it back on his head when it got knocked off by a forceful jet of amniotic fluid. That was kind of wild.
5. When I was a child, about 8 or 9, there was a good 6-month period of time where I became obsessed with even numbers and symmetry. I would tap one leg and be compelled to tap the other. I would move one hand and have to do the same movement with the other hand. I would think a thought, then think it again to keep everything even. I guess I was stressed out or something.
6. I enjoy cleaning up really big, bad messes-if they don't belong to me. I have often thought about abandoning my career for work in cleaning up really awful messes-the kind where you need to don biohazard suits. I could also see myself successfully running a very nice ice cream parlor.
7. I love every fruit and vegetable known to mankind.
8. Like a true Scorpio, I thrive on change. I enjoy creation and destruction. Beginnings and endings. I get bored in the middle.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Resolutions
We've all hear of New Year's resolutions, and yeah, I made a few this year that I've loosely adhered to. They include:
- Gossip Less-I've kind of failed miserably at this
- Lose Weight-I've done this, thank you very much, but I'm not done yet
- And something else that I can't think of at the moment
How about some relocation resolutions?
- Exercise more
- Reach my goal weight within the next year
- Read more
- Write more
- Get a new tattoo over my old tattoo
Today was a great day. I wasn't nearly as productive at work as I should have been. It's hard to concentrate. I get side-tracked easily. I get wrapped up in conversations that I don't want to bring to an end. I want to cram every bit of friendship and dialogue into each moment that I possibly can. Chances are high that I might not see any of these good people again.
I have a goal for one day next week and I hope to fulfill it. For years now I've been wanting to photograph certain areas of Hackensack that I feel really attached to, places I don't want to forget. They aren't necessarily the most beautiful sights in the world and my camera skills are very much limited to pointing and clicking. Still, these places have a special meaning to me and I should capture a few shots before I go.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
More Reminiscence
This week is turning out to be quite manic. Not only in the running around like crazy sense, but in the swinging pendulum of emotion sense. I have been talking too much, but not enough. I have been missing New Jersey as I stand in the middle of it. I have been thrilled with the idea of basking in the warmth of Florida, yet in the back of my mind have been terrified of the hurricanes I am bound to endure.
And I've been using the word "I" way too much.
Explaining to my clients that this will be my last week has been very emotional for me and for some of them too. They're used to staff turnovers, but that's no consolation. Some of them seem genuinely upset to see me go and they've been letting me know. And I can't help but feel a pang of guilt when I explain my situation, that I'm going to go live happily ever after with my beautiful family 1000 miles away so we can all be together. I feel so incredibly fortunate to be able to do so, but it feels kind of awful explaining this to people who, for the most part, have very strained family ties. In many cases this agency is the best family they've ever had and it hurts to leave that.
*******
On a different note, I dug up some goodies from the past that I'd like to share:
From PA with Love
A little too into fire-building, perhaps? Bet you didn't know that I was more than a novice fire-starter.
I will always be very proud of this fire creation. We used a huge cardboard tube to craft this baby. Save all the big cardboard tubes you ever come across and wow your friends with a fire tunnel. Go ahead, take the credit for the idea!
Sisters-in-law gone wild
A cool pic of me and JH
Running at approximately 25% capacity
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