Talking Turkey

Wow. What a week I had up north. I was all over that Garden State-from the meadowlands of Bergen County to the rural suburbs south of Philly to the mean streets of Jersey city and the mountains and pastures of my old home, Hunterdon County. I was up and down the Turnpike and Parkway and criss-crossed east and west over routes 78, 22, 46, and 3. I took the long way to my grandma's house on route 21 going through the center of Newark just to remember what it looked like.

I got to see friends, family, places, things. I had some great lunches and dinners and visits. I even got the chance to scope out a tattoo parlor for my next important piece of work. Best of all, I didn't lose anything important this time around. In fact, I don't think I lost anything at all.

The return home to Florida-very hard on me. I cried in the airport and I cried on the plane. I cried looking out over this state that used to be home, which still seems to hang on to my heart, calling me back. Looking out the window of the plane in the dark, watching Newark, and all of New Jersey for that matter, become nothing more than lit up highways as the plane climbed higher and higher until the clouds finally separated me from my old home, waves of sadness rushed over me as the tears fell.

I miss it. My heart is there. Florida has been kind to me, but New Jersey is my homeland. And that's all I'm going to say on this topic for tonight. Trust me, we'll revisit this topic again.

Having said that, I hope everyone had a beautiful Thanksgiving. Love you all...

Coming up North Again

I have been beyond swamped at home. I would love to get into the minutiae but I barely have time to sit down to put in an entry to this blog. Suffice to say that I am busy.

For some reason, I just can't take the thought of being in Florida for Thanksgiving. I want to see my grandmothers. We are taking a flight out of Tampa tomorrow and will be in Newark in the early afternoon. Keep your fingers crossed that we don't have any delays.

In other news, today was Sadie's birthday. Impossible to imagine that 15 years have elapsed since the day she was born! But, with a sigh, it is true. She was in a really great mood all day long and got to do some stuff that she wanted to do with friends, and got some presents, and many phone calls. I felt a little bit bad cutting it all short earlier this evening, but she was a real champ about packing and giving me a hand for the trip.

I'm hoping that when I return I'll be more in a writing mood. I do have some new developments on the home front that are worth addressing, but that's for another entry. Have a lovely Thanksgiving everyone...

Long Hiatus

Sometimes it's really hard to jump back into this thing after being gone from it for a while.

How about a bulleted entry to get right down to the main points?

• Had a full set of fake nails applied, or should I say installed, onto my fingertips and had a pedicure.
• Arranged for all of the animals in my life plus my parents' birds to be cared for adequately in our absence.
• Fielded a lot of obtrusive questions, advice, and observations from various family members.
• Packed up myself and the girls for a journey up north.
• Cried on the airplane on take-off and landing, not out of fear or anxiety, but out of wonder for how beautiful the world looks down below.
• Drove past both of my old houses in Bergen County and cried some more.
• Dined with friends and family and overall had a great time.
• Lost my rental car at the Garden State Plaza and completely went ape-shit before finding it in the correct parking garage. In the rain. And cold. Holding the baby in one arm and a bunch of shopping bags in the other. Perhaps I shed a tear or two during the ordeal.
• Woke up very early on the 28th and drove to East Stroudsburg where we managed to get totally dolled-up for the wedding.
• Wore fake eyelashes for the first time.
• Walked down the aisle as a bridesmaid.
• Had many ginger ale and vodkas.
• Decided that I really don't like Pabst Blue Ribbon.
• Lost a bag of important papers that I'd rather not talk about.
• Left the car seat in the rental car and figured it out that it was gone during my first attempt at checking luggage for the flight. I had to take the airtrain back to Hertz where I ran in like a maniac, not just crying but pretty much mentally decompensating, and begged them to go look for it now. The manager retrieved it for me fairly promptly and we made it back in time to check it in, change a diaper, and board the plane.
• Arrived home with both daughters, all of us in one piece.
• Obtained my dogs from the kennel.
• Had my fingernails shortened and re polished in order to be able to carry on with my life like a somewhat normal human being.
• Recovered from the various stressful events that occurred during the trip.
• Prepared Sadie for her homecoming dance.
• Nursed the baby through a bout of diarrhea.
• Moved all of my belongings to my new home in Spring Hill.
• Continue to live like an animal out of boxes and eating bad food while trying to sort everything out.

Each one of those bullets above could have been an entry in it's own right. I wish I would've just made myself write it down when it was fresh because each of them contains a story. I'm thinking in particular about the dinners with friends, the nails, the diarrhea, and the move.

Sadie's Hair

I promised pics of Sadie's new 'do ages ago and have slacked. Things have been busy, but I'll save it for another entry. Meanwhile, ici:

Still the asymmetrical cut, not too much different, but the color is the main difference. She loves it. I like it quite a bit too!

And yes, she's a big Hello Kitty fan.

New Hair and Other Things

In preparation for the wedding, and also to just improve my style situation a little bit, both Sadie and I got our hair done yesterday. I've had a chance to take some pictures of my own new coif but Sadie was so busy yesterday after school that I didn't have a chance to take pictures of her hair. Well, I did take a pic with my phone but that's it.

Sadie tried tae kwon do with her friend yesterday. They did two 45 minute sessions yesterday and she loved it. She wants to start going every Tuesday which pleases me greatly.

Although it is very refreshing to have a haircut, I wish I looked a little bit different than I do. It is still kind of my same basic, boring hairstyle that I always wind up reverting back to when I neglect to get it trimmed regularly, like a normal human being. Which happens a lot. I think next time I'm going to be more daring with the color. Overall I'm just glad that I have a fresh new 'do and there's still enough hair to have them put it up for the wedding.

Here are the best examples of what I can offer of the cut and the color:

See, not that much different. But better.

Spring Hill

I didn't ever plan on living here. The plan was to move to a house in New Port Richey, about 20 miles south of here. It wouldn't have been that far really, but it would have been a little bit closer to Tampa and just a few miles from Tarpon Springs.

I had been to Spring Hill before when I was younger since my grandfather lives here. I found it ironic that Rob's grandfather also lived in this town, having moved here around the same time my grandfather did. In the summer of '04, I believe, while we were all on vacation down here-his parents, his sister, my parents, everyone-his folks bought a house in Spring Hill as a winter home.

His parents closed on the house I am living in on the same day that we closed on our Jersey house. They bought it to rent out, but it took on the more immediate purpose of sheltering me and the girls during my brief hiatus from home-ownership. It has been a godsend.

I used to scoff at the idea of living here. It is very Florida-cracker meets Northern Exodus to The South meets various other groups of people. It's on the Nature Coast. It's a little bit rural, a little bit town, and absolutely no city. There are no tall buildings, only strip malls and residential properties. It lacks the sleekness and the cool vibe of Tarpon Springs and New Port Richey.

Still, I like it here! The people are very friendly. I have had some very positive interactions with strangers. I'm not good at making friends so this is about the best I can hope for right now. It carries me a long way actually.

The benchmark moment had to be the day I walked into my bank down here with a fairly sizable check from the sale of our Jersey house. I was alone, by choice. They actually had a greeter there to see if she could help anyone who walked in, which was me with this check that Rob had so thoughtfully and fortunately signed before passing away. When the woman asked if she could help me, I literally burst into tears with this check in my hand and quietly and briefly explained my situation. She soothed me and shushed me and brought me up to the counter like a little chick under her wing and helped me get squared away.

There are have been other moments, similar, although usually without the tears. I got Sadie into high school, on schedule, for the very first day of the school year. That was no easy task, with the doctors' office up north who just wouldn't fax over her medical information and other related obstacles. I had to rely greatly on the efforts of the Public Health Clinic down here, which does an amazing job of getting kids immunized and seen by doctors during the 2 weeks leading up to the first day. However, the wait there is excruciating. Since then it has been pretty much smooth-sailing as far as Sadie's school goes. Her freshman year has been very good so far.

And while, no, I never dreamed of living here, it is much better than I imagined. It is a very laid back town. There are a lot of elderly people, especially in the area that the new house is in. There are also a lot of families with kids. There are also some tattoo parlors and barbeque pits and they sell beer and wine in the grocery store.

Maybe I just belong here right now.

For you out there who like to get lost in wiki, please visit:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spring_Hill%2C_Florida

Some Pics from Last Weekend

This past weekend JH and his girlfriend Mariela came down to Florida for a visit. We had a nice time. On Saturday we had a leisurely breakfast before heading down to Tarpon Springs for a little shopping, strolling, and lunch. I replenished my supply of sea salt body scrub and treated myself to a few cigars. No, I didn't stand around and smoke a few cigars during the outing. I brought them back home for the occasional sleepless nights that surely lie ahead.

We ate lunch at a place called Snookers. This place has indoor and outdoor seating, a big tiki bar, and an alligator pool. It touts Floribbean cuisine on the menu and pretty much delivers just that.

At one point we walked past a fudge shop. Mariela, who is not originally from the states asked "what is fudge?" This pretty much sealed the deal that we would have to go in and show her exactly what the excitement over fudge is all about. I must say, it was good but it wasn't the best I've ever had. It was a little granular and not as smooth and creamy as it should've been. I wonder if the humidity has anything to do with the consistency. Should I just seek out every fudge factory in Florida to test my hypothesis? Probably not a good idea with me being in a wedding and all in less than four weeks.

Let's just say, it did answer the question "what is fudge" in a satisfactory way, but not it didn't convey the excellence which usually would accompany the answer.

Well, I could go on and on dissecting the meals we ate but who wants to hear about that. The point is, my friends came in to town and it was a real treat to see them. We got out on Saturday night for some drinks. Penny spent her first night apart from me in her whole entire life by sleeping over her grandparents house. Aside from the fact that I worried constantly about her-picturing her running around wildly crying at 11:30, 12:30, 1:30, etc.-it was a little bit comforting to know that IF I ever decide to treat myself to a night or two without the girls, she will probably survive without me.

So here are some pics:

JH-how's this for a moody, brooding, contrived, fakely pensive, faux-candid self-pic? Go ahead, get your digs in :-P

Weekend Update

This weekend was quite pleasant. On Friday night I went to Chili's with the realtor to look over a contract, sign it, and discuss the plans of the next week or so regarding the house. In the end, I think I got a pretty good price and that if the inspection go well this is going to be a very good investment. Most importantly, it's going to make a good home.

The color from the outside is very pleasing to me. It is a muted teal color, more on the green side. It is a nice cool color, but it's very saturated, not too pastel. It is a one story stucco home with some nice, curvy architectural details. But with very clean lines and pretty much no intricacies like trim or anything. The landscaping is all pretty mature, the grass is thick, and there is shade. My hopefully-future-home has some trees with Spanish moss and a retention canal in the back.

As soon as my name is on the deed I will post pictures. Until then, please deal with the minute details that I love about this place. I am finally feeling pretty excited about it and want to share!

I am very pleased with the tile work in that house. The common areas have nice 18" tiled floors and the bathrooms all have good tile work in the showers and tub. I have spotted some wallpaper that's going to need removal but I have done this SO MANY TIMES that I feel like it's just something that has to happen when you move in to a place.

Usually it starts with me staring at the seams in the paper and getting slightly annoyed by it in a subconscious way until I find myself picking at the seam with my fingernail and before you know it-well, you better get yourself a can of primer, some paint, some big sponges and solution to wipe off the paper backing left behind. It is a pretty messy and fairly annoying project but in the end it is very gratifying. The paper is gone, you've washed the walls down like a baby's bottom so it couldn't possibly be cleaner, and you have a beautifully painted room.

I did this all throughout the Wood-Ridge house, even well into my pregnancy with Penny. Rob came home one day and the wallpaper in our bedroom was just gone. I was about 6 months pregnant, up on a ladder, finishing off the last pieces near the ceiling when he discovered what I had been up to all day. It was probably around this time 2 years ago.

I knew that it was time to do it because I was still somewhat agile and the air was very crisp and I knew it would dry out the room quickly. Besides, once the baby came it would be too late, plus it would be in the middle of winter. And then I knew that once the weather got better, it would time for surgery. We were pretty sure we wanted to move after he recovered so it was the right time and I just felt like pulling all of the wallpaper off the walls. And it was so worth it. We painted the room a peach color, my idea of course. Rob wasn't really a big lover of the color peach, but it worked. We got some striped orange bedding and with our very dark wood furniture it looked pretty awesome. We had two big windows with sheer beige curtains and orange valences, a picture hung between them-a black framed print of Andrew Wyeth's Master Bedroom.

What a beautiful room. Sometimes I can't stand thinking that I'll never be back in that room ever again. It still feels so familiar-carrying a laundry basket into it, chasing dust bunnies out of its corners, putting away our clothes, or straightening up Rob's shoes.

Today!

Ok, the disclaimer: I had a beer and two glasses of wine at Johnny Carino's...SO...I will try to keep this brief to avoid foot-in-mouth sydrome, but I just needed to blog about this day because it has been sort of monumental.

First, I made a formal offer on a house today that has already produced a little bit of favorable feedback from the seller's real estate agent, but I will probably not know the full scoop until today or tomorrow. When the deal is done I will post pics of the house and more details. Until then, keep you fingers crossed for me because this IS the house I would like to live in and play Martha Stewart with for the next 10 or 15 years.

Second, as mentioned earlier, I had dinner at Johnny Carino's this evening. Sadly, Johnny's is going out of business. All Johnny Carino's will be closing on Friday and re-opening months from now under a different name by the parent company. This makes me quite sad because this was the restaurant that my late husband ate his very last meal-baked tortelloni (large tortellini) and he enjoyed a nice evening with his parents, reminscing over the Wood-Ridge house and just having a real nice time with them. I have been going here once or twice every week in his honor and I am really, really sad that this will be put on hiatus for a long time.

Please, if you ever eat a good, fresh ravioli or nice piece of really fresh mozzarella cheese, pause to think of this man because few things in life made him as happy as very simple and fresh Italian food.

And third, tonight is the one hour season premier of The Office. I have been living off of anticipation for the new season of this show for the past week now. I am have fantasizing about the possibilities and potential plot twists for a while. I just can't WAIT to see a full hour of these office shenanigans!

What is going to happen with Jim and Pam?

Is Roy going to resurface and whoop Jim's ass?

Are Dwight and Angela going to make their office love affair known to their coworkers? Or are they going to grow even more secretive?

("NO COOKIE!" "But what if I'm hungry?")

Do Kelly and Ryan stay together or does he finally just ditch her? Oh, she'd be a wreak, but she'd get over it!

And Michael----ahh, Michael Scott, man who combines my two personal favorite names into one twisted Regional Manager-Michael, now that you've got Jan, are you sure you really wanted such a crazy, Martini-driven vixen in the first place? HAHAHAHAH!

Todd Packer? Will we see more of you? Will you make a cameo or two? I loved you in Anchorman and I love you even more as Todd Packer.

I'm thinking about all of the awesome characters on that show-Phyllis and Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration, Stanley, Creed-you old hippie pervert-I love you!, Toby-the scapegoat for Michael's quiet rage, Oscar, and all of the guys in the warehouse. I miss all of these characters that would make me laugh like crazy every Thursday night, comfortably from my old spot on the couch in my Wood-Ridge house, with my husband and daughter and their bowls of ice cream.

Laughing Together

I am having a kid-free morning and loving it! Is that an awful thing to say, as a mom? I don't think so.

My inlaws took Penny with them when they came to pick up Sadie for school. This was at 7 am. I have been enjoying the blessing which is ALONE TIME so much. It is pretty rare these days, I can get it when I need it but I always feel guilty asking. However, when it's someone else's idea I feel no shame at all!

After they left, I promptly finished up taking care of the dogs and left the house for the YMCA. I went on the treadmill for a bit and burned some calories. I still feel a little bit-OK, VERY-awkward there but it is getting better. I think tomorrow I might take a beginner's cycling class since Penny is going with her grandmother for the morning to some kind of toddler thing at the church my father-in-law works at.

WOO HOO! TWO DAYS IN A ROW OF FREE MORNING TIME! CAN I GET A WITNESS!

One of my favorite pleasures in life right now is listening to the Steve Harvey morning show. This is good radio. I love talk radio, but kind of got sick of Stern a couple of years ago when he moved to satellite. I am not too keen on most morning radio talk shows because they are just too...I don't know...stupid, I guess.

Steve Harvey seems like a good guy and pokes fun at a lot of things but isn't venomous. Plus, they play a lot of R&B in between bits and without getting into it too much here, I am starting to like R&B again. LOL. What, that's not cool? I like dramatic lyrics, OK?

My favorite part of the show that I try to hear every morning while driving around, drinking my Dunkin Donuts coffee and feeding the baby bagels from the driver's seat is when they read a fan's letter asking for advice about a particular life topic. It's very juicy! The problems are always very personal and really serious-like marriage, divorce, family, children, abuse, whatever. It's not so much Jerry Springer-type issues with the cross-dressing, gender-bending issues. These are problems that real people have, people who are trying to live intelligently and do some good.

I love the way Steve Harvey addresses these problems and answers these people. He cuts right to the chase and tells it exactly like it is and sort of gives a verbal ass beating when it's called for. He's never mean or nasty, he's just real. I think if I ever need a verbal ass beating I am going to write the show a letter with my issue and just follow his advice.

I think the best part of this routine is that some of the things on the show actually make me laugh out loud, which the baby loves, and mimics in return. She has no idea why I'm laughing, but that doesn't matter. All that matters is that we are laughing together.

Tomorrow my realtor and I are going out to look at a home for a second time. I am bringing my father-in-law along so that he can look at it and assess whether or not there are any structural or related issues lurking around the corner. Sometimes I tend to miss these things. Of course I would have an inspection done if I buy it, but I'd like to just skip this process if, say, the hot water heater is ready to burst or the roof is ready to cave in.

The house is very pleasing, aesthetically, and it's on just enough property for a single mom like me to handle. The lot is about 1/3 of an acre but it's very private in the back, coming up to a retention canal and facing a small conservation area across the street. The neighbors on one side have a nice, white vinyl privacy fence. I sure hope the neighbors on the other side won't mind if I put one up too! I'm going to have to, for everyone's sake, with these noisy dogs of mine.

The other house that I am interested in if this one doesn't pan out is very nice too. It's on a little bit more property, 1/2 an acre, with a good fence and lots of trees in the backyard. This house is vacant and very clean on the inside.

This is all very exciting but it's very sad for me too. I have never had to make a decision this large before regarding money and property-alone at least. I can get my father's input, and I can bring my father-in-law along, but ultimately, this is going to be my house, it is a big investment and commitment and it's definitely a very odd feeling being in the driver's seat.

***

Aside from all of that, I think the lime is almost ready to be picked. Jon and Mariela will be in town over the weekend so maybe I can find a way to share it with them, if it is in fact ready to be picked. There are many limes on the tree, but this one by far is the nicest. It's big and plump and just starting to give a little bit under my fingers when I squeeze it. I am half-tempted to buy a very small bottle of very good tequila and just leaving the girls with my inlaws and having a little tequila tasting at my humble abode. Maybe by then, I'll know where my next permanent residence will be. That'll be something worth celebrating.

Yeah, I think that's what I'll do.

Florida Wildlife

Photos, photos, photos

I have been wanting to use the camera, but the batteries have been dead for a long time. As a reasonably intelligent human being I probaby could've solved this problem a long time ago but I am intermittently paralyzed by inertia. Since Sadie and I were going to Ybor City today I decided to apply myself to this minor problem, and voila, fully charged batteries and pictures taken!

I almost gave up on uploading any pictures at all until I pressed forward a tiny bit and found the cable that connects the camera to the computer. More success. Here are some pics. Many are not of very good quality but I figured they are worth a look anyway.

The Girls

Old Kitchen

Old Lady

Shirley Temple

Messy

Evie

Winnie Carlos Winnie

A Little Blurry

Lovey Dove

Some More Words for Today

It almost feels selfish not to say something about what day it is today. Here we are on the sixth anniversary of 9/11 and no one really seems to know what to do about today. Should we mourn as a country, should we move on, what should we do.

Well, damned if I know that answer to that, but I don't think it should ever just go back to being an ordinary day.

The best thing that I can do on 9/11 is to reflect on what was going on in my life and how the events of that day affected me and to feel compassion for the multitude of people who were affected in the worst ways possible. I didn't lose any loved ones to 9/11 but I'm very sorry for the people who did. Such a terrible act of hatred. There's really no way to make any sense out of it that I can see and I just hope that all of those souls and all of their families are finding some kind of peace with the passage of time.

What I remember about that day, in my own very insignificant way is as follows:

I had been living at my parents' house for the millionth and hopefully last time for about 6 months. I sought solace there after a rather heated and violent ending to a dead-end relationship. I had started my prerequisite courses for my nursing degree and life was fairly easy. I was working as a CNA at Littlebrook Nursing Home in Califon-a lovely small facility in the rolling hills of New Jersey, where Hunterdon, Morris, and Warren counties meet.

Rob and I had just met a few weeks prior to this date. We had been emailing and talking on the phone for a little while before we met. I was absolutely head over heels in love with him and trying to figure out how to A) make him aware that I WAS THE ONE, and B) not freak him out with my manic, almost stalker-like habits regarding falling in love. My stomach was in a constant state of semi-nauseousness, I couldn't sleep, I was giddy, I was a little on the manic side-all positive symptoms of me falling in love.

I literally could've talked to him on the phone 24 hours a day if he was game for this. I absolutely couldn't get enough of him. Life was beautiful because I had found an amazing person to pour romantic love towards. He wasn't scared of the idea of dating a single mom and he was very interested in me as a person.

Beautiful.

That Tuesday I dropped Sadie off at school and went for my usual cruise. Let it be known that I am very fond of long drives, cruising, getting lost and then finding my way back home. So this was what I was doing, although there was no getting lost even if I tried. And I did. Mostly I would listen to music or Howard Stern. That morning I must have been listening to music because I didn't hear the news on the radio. Most likely I was listening to Smashing Pumpkins. It would just fit the picture.

I stopped at the Walmart in Clinton for something and I remember thinking it was kind of strange to see a group of about five or six managers kind of huddled around, hearing one say "I don't think it was random." There was a gravity to his voice, when mixed with these words just seemed quite dark to me. The impression was fleeting, so I paid and left.

When I got home, my brother Jon was awake, on the phone, and the TV was on. Considering the fact that he was awake before noon, I became a little bit concerned. My best friend at the time, Tamara, was on the phone and giving him the frightening news that something really awful was happening in New York, in real time.

At that point the first tower had been struck and no one really knew what in the world was happening. My brother and I retreated to the deck out back momentarily. The sky was clear, the weather perfect. When we came back inside, the second tower had just been struck. It was quite obvious that this was intentional. It seemed like minute by minute some new and awful thing was happening. The Pentagon, the plane crashing in Pennsylvania.

I called Sadie's school and was told that they really didn't have any specific disaster plan. The secretary told me if I would like to pick her up that would be fine. Darn tootin' I'd like to pick her up. It's the fucking end of the world, thank you.

I tried to call my mom, I tried to call my dad, I tried to call Rob. All circuits busy. For a LONG time. Just my luck, I meet the guy of my dreams and it's the end of the goddamn world. If you know my abysmal history with relationships you'll get the humor in that.

Thank you God, for not making it really be the end of the world. For me though, on that day, it truly felt like it could've been. I've never been so frightened by anything in my life, at least not in a global sense. Over the next couple of days not a plane was to be seen in the sky. Everyone I knew or knew of made it out of the city and back home unscathed. The little country airport by my parents' house let no planes into the sky for quite a while. The air was simply inhabited by the birds and insects while everyone tried to make sense of it all.

***

Some pics for your enjoyment:

At work, looking cute, with a really nice shirt (I love a man who wears good shirts)

Pleased as Punch

My Girls

***

Do I always have to hear that song "How to Save a Life" by the Fray when it is totally inconvenient to just break down and cry? How long is this going to go on for? I mean, can I please just go in to Staples and buy my things without hearing this song and having to walk around really, really slow, and try not to cry (which is impossible) and not even be able to concentrate on what I'm supposed to by, much less where these things are located while I can't even see with the tears in my eyes, lump in my throat, and my new friend named Nausea?

Is that a run-on sentence or an obnoxiously long rhetorical question?

The Eternal Search for Answers

I hope that in twenty years when I look back on this time I'll feel confident that I did the best I could. I'm trying to tune every step I take to fit that wish. Most tasks are slow-going and I've found that I really can't do much more than perform one or two administrative tasks and unpack one or two boxes every day. Some days I only get a fraction of that done. Between toddler-tending, desperately trying to meet the needs of a fourteen year-old daughter, and maybe just trying to do one good thing for myself each day (mentally or physically) I have my hands full.

And the dogs! Don't forget the dogs! They have needs too. Mostly they just need lots and lots of love and affection. They have been SO good these days, getting along famously without a bit of friction. The good thing about the dogs is that when I've exhausted Sadie and Penny's quota of doting I can turn to them. They are bottomless pits when it comes to receiving all of the extra love I have right now. In return they give me their silly dog smiles (um, yeah, dogs DO smile) and can dish out every little bit that they can take.

Desperately I look for meaning in everything-in my environment, in my interactions with people, in dreams, in the things I read, and the songs I listen to. I stretch my imagination to its limits. I have returned to the younger version of myself-the one that looks for signs in everything, who talks to spiders and birds, who believes that thunder is God's way of letting me know he's still there.

Lately...

We are starting to form some kind of routine. This is the only way to survive. Without the girls I think I would be a total mess-undisciplined, nocturnal, drunk, and probably suffering from poor hygiene. With the girls I make meals, loosely adhere to a sleeping schedule, find reasons to smile, and occasionally crack the whip.

People ask how I'm doing and my basic response is: up and down. This is true. There are moments when I am lost in total despair and then there are moments when I am totally confident that I will remake our lives into something that is happy and full of meaning.

There is a lime tree in my backyard with ten or twelves limes ripening on it. I keep on checking the biggest one every day and it still feels too firm to pick. I know nothing about growing fruit, but maybe I'll learn a little bit more about that through this tree.

Penny has taken to climbing on top of the dining room table every time I'm not looking. She likes to shake the salt and pepper shakers. This morning she got to the table while I was doing something and broke a bowl that I had in the middle of the table. I was nice, part of my Noritake Colorwave set, a large, shallow bowl that I used to serve vegetables or pasta during holidays and other special dinners. She cut her thumb while doing this. It's just a small cut but it was bleeding a lot. She ripped off the first band aid and started bleeding again. We're having more success with the second band aid.

Sadie is doing pretty well in school and with friends. She's tending the rabbit that my father-in-law found and it appears to be thriving. We are anxiously awaiting her new bedroom furniture. She has a lot more homework than she is used to but she's taking it like a champ. If she keeps her GPA in a decent range she will be eligible for a trip to Germany with her German class in April. It's really nice for her to have something like that to look forward to.

We are also getting ready for my sister-in-law's wedding. The three of us got our dresses, had them fitted for minor alterations, and just need to pick them up about a week before the wedding. In the meantime, I need to watch what I eat so I can look as awesome as possible in this dress.

Which leads me to another thing-we all joined the YMCA. I haven't actually gone and used the facilities yet but I can see it in my future. Perhaps we'll go this weekend. They have a child care area that will watch children for 90 minutes while you do whatever it is you do there. I am very interested in taking spin classes. I heard that it's intense and burns a lot of calories. I like the fact that I won't have to actually jump around with other human beings. I am not ready for that yet. At any rate, it looks very clean and everyone seems very friendly.

Time to start another weekend. I really have no internal distinction between weekdays and weekends. It's all a blur to me. In some ways it feels like only yesterday that Rob passed away-so much of my feelings are still very fresh. Every morning when I wake up I feel so sad that I will not see him today. Then I realize that it's been five weeks. Still close, but yet so far from the last time I ever saw him.

Sending a prayer into the atmosphere
Answered by the crickets and the frogs
The air responds to me
Wrapping around this soul of mine
An equal exchange, give and take
As the warmth comes into me
Mingling briefly with all my tiny pieces
And swiftly retreats back to home

Today is our anniversary. Four years ago today Rob and I got married. I started this post by typing "today would've been our four year anniversary." The italics I have just added as an after thought. I deleted that line and rewrote it. It is still is our anniversary.

Not would've been, but is.

It is impossible to really celebrate this day, at least today, but I can honor it. I started by cleaning my engagement ring. I haven't done this for months and months and it had accumulated all kinds of gunk around the area where the stone meets the setting. Months-worth of soap residue, latex glove powder, hand lotion, and whatever else lurks beneath had gathered underneath the diamond and it didn't sparkle as brightly as it should have.

So I got myself some jewelry cleaner and soaked it and scrubbed it. It's much better. I love this ring as much now as the day I got it and maybe even a little bit more. Any ring would've been a lovely choice but he put so much thought into this particular ring that it breaks my heart to look at it again and think of it's story.

The way I was told was this: JH went with him to the diamond district in New York and he was able to hand select the stone which is just a perfectly round cut diamond just a hair over one karat. It was a loose stone among others that he selected for whatever reason, probably a combination of price, size, cut. He decided to have it placed by itself in a simple Tiffany setting on white gold. If you know me, you know that this solitaire arrangement is exactly what I am about.

A few months before that he asked me a few vague questions about what kind of rings I liked and what I pictured an ideal engagement ring to be. He also took me into a jewelry store and had my finger sized. This lead me to believe that something really good was headed down the road, but I maintained my patience and never pressed him for anything. He surely must have known how much I loved him and wanted to be with him forever without me having to nag him for a ring or drag him into jewelry stores pointing out what I liked.

All I ever told him was that as far as rings go, I preferred solitaires with one really good stone. Because of my profession I needed something easy to don and remove gloves and to keep clean. I am also a simple person with very simple wants and needs-the ring really fit me perfectly. I feel like it also fit our relationship perfectly. I see it as a symbol of us. It is one singular, beautiful thing.

Four years ago it was a lovely day for a wedding. Together, we did a fine job of coordinating the event in five month's time. Our determination was to throw the best party that either of us had ever put together. I really think we pulled it off.

There are so many more memories I could pull out regarding August 23, 2003 but I will have to revisit them another time. The baby is finally napping and I have to find something productive to do. Task lists are weighing heavily in mind and deadlines are breathing down my neck. Until I return to this topic, enjoy a picture or two or three...

A scan, not the best quality, but I will never get over the look on his face. So happy.

Getting ready for the big event with JH

Honeymoon in Cozumel

I don't even know where to begin with this post.

Or with life.

I have so much unfinished business to take care of. On the other hand I have rushed through so many vital tasks that I can hardly catch my breath. We are in the middle of major, life-changing shit here people.

For starters, Sadie started high school yesterday. She was worried sick about it the night before. So was I. That morning was a little rough getting organized. Somehow we managed to get there on time.

When she got out of the car I told her I loved her, as is my habit. She told me she loved me too and shut the door behind her. As she rushed off to homeroom I watched her for a few moments and then felt so acutely lonely. This was a moment that someone else would've liked to have been there for too. I let a few tears go, but the baby was in the backseat and she needed breakfast.

Turns out that Sadie had two good days of school in a row. She is taking German and Geography as her electives and the rest of the classes are just the usual required courses. She has made a few friends. She told me today that she "loved" this school. This helps to mend my broken heart just a little bit.

Also, friends help mend my broken heart a little bit too. I have had some good visitors, good email, good conversations, good communication in general. I've had one or two bits of drama but I cannot let things like that overshadow the good will and intentions that have been poured into our lives.

And it reminds me that people are mostly good.

Taking it One Day at a Time

Today was the first quiet day we had in a long time. I took a ride around the neighborhood and it's not so bad. I took a walk around 2 o'clock but it was pretty hot so I cut it short.

I think swamp ass was invented in Florida.

But by the same token I like it hot outside. Everything feels very alive and thriving down here. There's a lot of green wherever I look. Lawns are wide and trees are dripping with Spanish moss. What do they live off of? Tree bark and humidity I guess. Lizards crawl all over the lanai screens and sidewalks during the day. Frogs are abundant at night. Sometimes I spot sand cranes in pairs in the backyard here.

Also, the people are nice. In the drive through and at the stores they call me honey and I think they actually mean it. If a stranger were to call me honey up in Bergen County I'd either be running for my life or in a rage over their sarcasm. But here-I think they actually mean it. And I miss being called honey so I will not only put up with it but cherish it too.

St. Petersburg Times Article

The St. Pete times ran a nice piece on Rob with a beautiful picture that I knew he would've liked. He had commented many times "damn, I look good in this picture." The online article doesn't feature the picture and there will come a time when that online piece either expires or otherwise becomes unavailable so I just wanted to put it all together in one place where it will always be accessible. I'm pretty sure that everyone reading this blog has already read the article, which isn't 100% historically accurate but it's still a really nice tribute and I'm very thankful to the author Andrew Meacham for doing a very nice job.

Human trivia bank embraced computers, '80s songs
By ANDREW MEACHAM, Times Staff Writer-Published August 7, 2007

He might never have moved to Florida.

Rob Shaw liked the house in Wood-Ridge, N.J. It was a place where he and his wife could bring up their two daughters. But at the end of the walkthrough, his Tourette's syndrome kicked in. The sudden tics and utterances took the Realtor by surprise.

"Oh, do you have that strange disease?" she asked.

Rob told the Realtor he would rather die than buy a house from her.

He found a warmer welcome in Spring Hill near his parents.

Shaw and his wife had recently picked out a house. They were set to close on the home soon and planned to celebrate by touring Florida: driving to the Panhandle, then to the Everglades and finally hitting South Beach.

They never got the chance.

Shaw died Thursday at his parents' home in Spring Hill. He was 37. Last year he had heart surgery.

As a student teacher at Jersey City State University, Shaw had briefly managed to get inner-city high school students engaged in Hamlet.

But he passed on a teaching career and found a niche in computers. He had thousands of '80s songs in his iPod. A human trivia bank, Shaw inhaled movies, often lacing his conversation with lines from Tombstone, Die Hard, Porky's or American Pie.

He was a diminutive neatnik at 5-foot-4 who favored khakis and Polo shirts. He took out everyday frustrations with rants that reminded co-workers of George Costanza in Seinfeld. He needled them, too, sometimes hurting feelings, but making up for it later.

"The humor was not to cover his Tourette's," said Robert Lotz, who worked with Shaw at a marketing company. "But the attention was already on him. Instead of people staring at him or feeling sorry for him, he wanted to connect with people."

Shaw liked surprises. He proposed to his wife by hiding a solitaire diamond in a plate of fruit. And when she passed her nursing boards, he gave her a Dalmatian puppy.

"My life was chaotic before I met him," said Elizabeth Shaw, 32. "He brought a safety and peace and the hope that everything would always be okay."

The moving truck with all of their belongings arrives tomorrow.

Andrew Meacham can be reached at 661-2431 or mailto:ameacham@sptimes.com.%3C/p%3E%3Cp%3E%3Cp%3E.biography%3C/p%3E%3Cp%3ERobert

Biography

Robert Alan Shaw III
Born: March 23, 1970
Died: Aug. 2, 2007
Survivors: A wife, Elizabeth; daughters Sadie and Penelope; parents, Robert and Audrey Shaw; a sister, Nicole Shaw; and grandfathers Robert Shaw and Nicholas Lisanti. Donations should go to the Tourette Syndrome Association, accessible online at www.tsa-usa.org/; or the Harvard Brain Tissue Resource Center, www.brainbank.mclean.org/.