Weekend Update

This weekend was quite pleasant. On Friday night I went to Chili's with the realtor to look over a contract, sign it, and discuss the plans of the next week or so regarding the house. In the end, I think I got a pretty good price and that if the inspection go well this is going to be a very good investment. Most importantly, it's going to make a good home.

The color from the outside is very pleasing to me. It is a muted teal color, more on the green side. It is a nice cool color, but it's very saturated, not too pastel. It is a one story stucco home with some nice, curvy architectural details. But with very clean lines and pretty much no intricacies like trim or anything. The landscaping is all pretty mature, the grass is thick, and there is shade. My hopefully-future-home has some trees with Spanish moss and a retention canal in the back.

As soon as my name is on the deed I will post pictures. Until then, please deal with the minute details that I love about this place. I am finally feeling pretty excited about it and want to share!

I am very pleased with the tile work in that house. The common areas have nice 18" tiled floors and the bathrooms all have good tile work in the showers and tub. I have spotted some wallpaper that's going to need removal but I have done this SO MANY TIMES that I feel like it's just something that has to happen when you move in to a place.

Usually it starts with me staring at the seams in the paper and getting slightly annoyed by it in a subconscious way until I find myself picking at the seam with my fingernail and before you know it-well, you better get yourself a can of primer, some paint, some big sponges and solution to wipe off the paper backing left behind. It is a pretty messy and fairly annoying project but in the end it is very gratifying. The paper is gone, you've washed the walls down like a baby's bottom so it couldn't possibly be cleaner, and you have a beautifully painted room.

I did this all throughout the Wood-Ridge house, even well into my pregnancy with Penny. Rob came home one day and the wallpaper in our bedroom was just gone. I was about 6 months pregnant, up on a ladder, finishing off the last pieces near the ceiling when he discovered what I had been up to all day. It was probably around this time 2 years ago.

I knew that it was time to do it because I was still somewhat agile and the air was very crisp and I knew it would dry out the room quickly. Besides, once the baby came it would be too late, plus it would be in the middle of winter. And then I knew that once the weather got better, it would time for surgery. We were pretty sure we wanted to move after he recovered so it was the right time and I just felt like pulling all of the wallpaper off the walls. And it was so worth it. We painted the room a peach color, my idea of course. Rob wasn't really a big lover of the color peach, but it worked. We got some striped orange bedding and with our very dark wood furniture it looked pretty awesome. We had two big windows with sheer beige curtains and orange valences, a picture hung between them-a black framed print of Andrew Wyeth's Master Bedroom.

What a beautiful room. Sometimes I can't stand thinking that I'll never be back in that room ever again. It still feels so familiar-carrying a laundry basket into it, chasing dust bunnies out of its corners, putting away our clothes, or straightening up Rob's shoes.

Today!

Ok, the disclaimer: I had a beer and two glasses of wine at Johnny Carino's...SO...I will try to keep this brief to avoid foot-in-mouth sydrome, but I just needed to blog about this day because it has been sort of monumental.

First, I made a formal offer on a house today that has already produced a little bit of favorable feedback from the seller's real estate agent, but I will probably not know the full scoop until today or tomorrow. When the deal is done I will post pics of the house and more details. Until then, keep you fingers crossed for me because this IS the house I would like to live in and play Martha Stewart with for the next 10 or 15 years.

Second, as mentioned earlier, I had dinner at Johnny Carino's this evening. Sadly, Johnny's is going out of business. All Johnny Carino's will be closing on Friday and re-opening months from now under a different name by the parent company. This makes me quite sad because this was the restaurant that my late husband ate his very last meal-baked tortelloni (large tortellini) and he enjoyed a nice evening with his parents, reminscing over the Wood-Ridge house and just having a real nice time with them. I have been going here once or twice every week in his honor and I am really, really sad that this will be put on hiatus for a long time.

Please, if you ever eat a good, fresh ravioli or nice piece of really fresh mozzarella cheese, pause to think of this man because few things in life made him as happy as very simple and fresh Italian food.

And third, tonight is the one hour season premier of The Office. I have been living off of anticipation for the new season of this show for the past week now. I am have fantasizing about the possibilities and potential plot twists for a while. I just can't WAIT to see a full hour of these office shenanigans!

What is going to happen with Jim and Pam?

Is Roy going to resurface and whoop Jim's ass?

Are Dwight and Angela going to make their office love affair known to their coworkers? Or are they going to grow even more secretive?

("NO COOKIE!" "But what if I'm hungry?")

Do Kelly and Ryan stay together or does he finally just ditch her? Oh, she'd be a wreak, but she'd get over it!

And Michael----ahh, Michael Scott, man who combines my two personal favorite names into one twisted Regional Manager-Michael, now that you've got Jan, are you sure you really wanted such a crazy, Martini-driven vixen in the first place? HAHAHAHAH!

Todd Packer? Will we see more of you? Will you make a cameo or two? I loved you in Anchorman and I love you even more as Todd Packer.

I'm thinking about all of the awesome characters on that show-Phyllis and Bob Vance of Vance Refrigeration, Stanley, Creed-you old hippie pervert-I love you!, Toby-the scapegoat for Michael's quiet rage, Oscar, and all of the guys in the warehouse. I miss all of these characters that would make me laugh like crazy every Thursday night, comfortably from my old spot on the couch in my Wood-Ridge house, with my husband and daughter and their bowls of ice cream.

Laughing Together

I am having a kid-free morning and loving it! Is that an awful thing to say, as a mom? I don't think so.

My inlaws took Penny with them when they came to pick up Sadie for school. This was at 7 am. I have been enjoying the blessing which is ALONE TIME so much. It is pretty rare these days, I can get it when I need it but I always feel guilty asking. However, when it's someone else's idea I feel no shame at all!

After they left, I promptly finished up taking care of the dogs and left the house for the YMCA. I went on the treadmill for a bit and burned some calories. I still feel a little bit-OK, VERY-awkward there but it is getting better. I think tomorrow I might take a beginner's cycling class since Penny is going with her grandmother for the morning to some kind of toddler thing at the church my father-in-law works at.

WOO HOO! TWO DAYS IN A ROW OF FREE MORNING TIME! CAN I GET A WITNESS!

One of my favorite pleasures in life right now is listening to the Steve Harvey morning show. This is good radio. I love talk radio, but kind of got sick of Stern a couple of years ago when he moved to satellite. I am not too keen on most morning radio talk shows because they are just too...I don't know...stupid, I guess.

Steve Harvey seems like a good guy and pokes fun at a lot of things but isn't venomous. Plus, they play a lot of R&B in between bits and without getting into it too much here, I am starting to like R&B again. LOL. What, that's not cool? I like dramatic lyrics, OK?

My favorite part of the show that I try to hear every morning while driving around, drinking my Dunkin Donuts coffee and feeding the baby bagels from the driver's seat is when they read a fan's letter asking for advice about a particular life topic. It's very juicy! The problems are always very personal and really serious-like marriage, divorce, family, children, abuse, whatever. It's not so much Jerry Springer-type issues with the cross-dressing, gender-bending issues. These are problems that real people have, people who are trying to live intelligently and do some good.

I love the way Steve Harvey addresses these problems and answers these people. He cuts right to the chase and tells it exactly like it is and sort of gives a verbal ass beating when it's called for. He's never mean or nasty, he's just real. I think if I ever need a verbal ass beating I am going to write the show a letter with my issue and just follow his advice.

I think the best part of this routine is that some of the things on the show actually make me laugh out loud, which the baby loves, and mimics in return. She has no idea why I'm laughing, but that doesn't matter. All that matters is that we are laughing together.

Tomorrow my realtor and I are going out to look at a home for a second time. I am bringing my father-in-law along so that he can look at it and assess whether or not there are any structural or related issues lurking around the corner. Sometimes I tend to miss these things. Of course I would have an inspection done if I buy it, but I'd like to just skip this process if, say, the hot water heater is ready to burst or the roof is ready to cave in.

The house is very pleasing, aesthetically, and it's on just enough property for a single mom like me to handle. The lot is about 1/3 of an acre but it's very private in the back, coming up to a retention canal and facing a small conservation area across the street. The neighbors on one side have a nice, white vinyl privacy fence. I sure hope the neighbors on the other side won't mind if I put one up too! I'm going to have to, for everyone's sake, with these noisy dogs of mine.

The other house that I am interested in if this one doesn't pan out is very nice too. It's on a little bit more property, 1/2 an acre, with a good fence and lots of trees in the backyard. This house is vacant and very clean on the inside.

This is all very exciting but it's very sad for me too. I have never had to make a decision this large before regarding money and property-alone at least. I can get my father's input, and I can bring my father-in-law along, but ultimately, this is going to be my house, it is a big investment and commitment and it's definitely a very odd feeling being in the driver's seat.

***

Aside from all of that, I think the lime is almost ready to be picked. Jon and Mariela will be in town over the weekend so maybe I can find a way to share it with them, if it is in fact ready to be picked. There are many limes on the tree, but this one by far is the nicest. It's big and plump and just starting to give a little bit under my fingers when I squeeze it. I am half-tempted to buy a very small bottle of very good tequila and just leaving the girls with my inlaws and having a little tequila tasting at my humble abode. Maybe by then, I'll know where my next permanent residence will be. That'll be something worth celebrating.

Yeah, I think that's what I'll do.

Florida Wildlife

Photos, photos, photos

I have been wanting to use the camera, but the batteries have been dead for a long time. As a reasonably intelligent human being I probaby could've solved this problem a long time ago but I am intermittently paralyzed by inertia. Since Sadie and I were going to Ybor City today I decided to apply myself to this minor problem, and voila, fully charged batteries and pictures taken!

I almost gave up on uploading any pictures at all until I pressed forward a tiny bit and found the cable that connects the camera to the computer. More success. Here are some pics. Many are not of very good quality but I figured they are worth a look anyway.

The Girls

Old Kitchen

Old Lady

Shirley Temple

Messy

Evie

Winnie Carlos Winnie

A Little Blurry

Lovey Dove

Some More Words for Today

It almost feels selfish not to say something about what day it is today. Here we are on the sixth anniversary of 9/11 and no one really seems to know what to do about today. Should we mourn as a country, should we move on, what should we do.

Well, damned if I know that answer to that, but I don't think it should ever just go back to being an ordinary day.

The best thing that I can do on 9/11 is to reflect on what was going on in my life and how the events of that day affected me and to feel compassion for the multitude of people who were affected in the worst ways possible. I didn't lose any loved ones to 9/11 but I'm very sorry for the people who did. Such a terrible act of hatred. There's really no way to make any sense out of it that I can see and I just hope that all of those souls and all of their families are finding some kind of peace with the passage of time.

What I remember about that day, in my own very insignificant way is as follows:

I had been living at my parents' house for the millionth and hopefully last time for about 6 months. I sought solace there after a rather heated and violent ending to a dead-end relationship. I had started my prerequisite courses for my nursing degree and life was fairly easy. I was working as a CNA at Littlebrook Nursing Home in Califon-a lovely small facility in the rolling hills of New Jersey, where Hunterdon, Morris, and Warren counties meet.

Rob and I had just met a few weeks prior to this date. We had been emailing and talking on the phone for a little while before we met. I was absolutely head over heels in love with him and trying to figure out how to A) make him aware that I WAS THE ONE, and B) not freak him out with my manic, almost stalker-like habits regarding falling in love. My stomach was in a constant state of semi-nauseousness, I couldn't sleep, I was giddy, I was a little on the manic side-all positive symptoms of me falling in love.

I literally could've talked to him on the phone 24 hours a day if he was game for this. I absolutely couldn't get enough of him. Life was beautiful because I had found an amazing person to pour romantic love towards. He wasn't scared of the idea of dating a single mom and he was very interested in me as a person.

Beautiful.

That Tuesday I dropped Sadie off at school and went for my usual cruise. Let it be known that I am very fond of long drives, cruising, getting lost and then finding my way back home. So this was what I was doing, although there was no getting lost even if I tried. And I did. Mostly I would listen to music or Howard Stern. That morning I must have been listening to music because I didn't hear the news on the radio. Most likely I was listening to Smashing Pumpkins. It would just fit the picture.

I stopped at the Walmart in Clinton for something and I remember thinking it was kind of strange to see a group of about five or six managers kind of huddled around, hearing one say "I don't think it was random." There was a gravity to his voice, when mixed with these words just seemed quite dark to me. The impression was fleeting, so I paid and left.

When I got home, my brother Jon was awake, on the phone, and the TV was on. Considering the fact that he was awake before noon, I became a little bit concerned. My best friend at the time, Tamara, was on the phone and giving him the frightening news that something really awful was happening in New York, in real time.

At that point the first tower had been struck and no one really knew what in the world was happening. My brother and I retreated to the deck out back momentarily. The sky was clear, the weather perfect. When we came back inside, the second tower had just been struck. It was quite obvious that this was intentional. It seemed like minute by minute some new and awful thing was happening. The Pentagon, the plane crashing in Pennsylvania.

I called Sadie's school and was told that they really didn't have any specific disaster plan. The secretary told me if I would like to pick her up that would be fine. Darn tootin' I'd like to pick her up. It's the fucking end of the world, thank you.

I tried to call my mom, I tried to call my dad, I tried to call Rob. All circuits busy. For a LONG time. Just my luck, I meet the guy of my dreams and it's the end of the goddamn world. If you know my abysmal history with relationships you'll get the humor in that.

Thank you God, for not making it really be the end of the world. For me though, on that day, it truly felt like it could've been. I've never been so frightened by anything in my life, at least not in a global sense. Over the next couple of days not a plane was to be seen in the sky. Everyone I knew or knew of made it out of the city and back home unscathed. The little country airport by my parents' house let no planes into the sky for quite a while. The air was simply inhabited by the birds and insects while everyone tried to make sense of it all.

***

Some pics for your enjoyment:

At work, looking cute, with a really nice shirt (I love a man who wears good shirts)

Pleased as Punch

My Girls

***

Do I always have to hear that song "How to Save a Life" by the Fray when it is totally inconvenient to just break down and cry? How long is this going to go on for? I mean, can I please just go in to Staples and buy my things without hearing this song and having to walk around really, really slow, and try not to cry (which is impossible) and not even be able to concentrate on what I'm supposed to by, much less where these things are located while I can't even see with the tears in my eyes, lump in my throat, and my new friend named Nausea?

Is that a run-on sentence or an obnoxiously long rhetorical question?

The Eternal Search for Answers

I hope that in twenty years when I look back on this time I'll feel confident that I did the best I could. I'm trying to tune every step I take to fit that wish. Most tasks are slow-going and I've found that I really can't do much more than perform one or two administrative tasks and unpack one or two boxes every day. Some days I only get a fraction of that done. Between toddler-tending, desperately trying to meet the needs of a fourteen year-old daughter, and maybe just trying to do one good thing for myself each day (mentally or physically) I have my hands full.

And the dogs! Don't forget the dogs! They have needs too. Mostly they just need lots and lots of love and affection. They have been SO good these days, getting along famously without a bit of friction. The good thing about the dogs is that when I've exhausted Sadie and Penny's quota of doting I can turn to them. They are bottomless pits when it comes to receiving all of the extra love I have right now. In return they give me their silly dog smiles (um, yeah, dogs DO smile) and can dish out every little bit that they can take.

Desperately I look for meaning in everything-in my environment, in my interactions with people, in dreams, in the things I read, and the songs I listen to. I stretch my imagination to its limits. I have returned to the younger version of myself-the one that looks for signs in everything, who talks to spiders and birds, who believes that thunder is God's way of letting me know he's still there.

Lately...

We are starting to form some kind of routine. This is the only way to survive. Without the girls I think I would be a total mess-undisciplined, nocturnal, drunk, and probably suffering from poor hygiene. With the girls I make meals, loosely adhere to a sleeping schedule, find reasons to smile, and occasionally crack the whip.

People ask how I'm doing and my basic response is: up and down. This is true. There are moments when I am lost in total despair and then there are moments when I am totally confident that I will remake our lives into something that is happy and full of meaning.

There is a lime tree in my backyard with ten or twelves limes ripening on it. I keep on checking the biggest one every day and it still feels too firm to pick. I know nothing about growing fruit, but maybe I'll learn a little bit more about that through this tree.

Penny has taken to climbing on top of the dining room table every time I'm not looking. She likes to shake the salt and pepper shakers. This morning she got to the table while I was doing something and broke a bowl that I had in the middle of the table. I was nice, part of my Noritake Colorwave set, a large, shallow bowl that I used to serve vegetables or pasta during holidays and other special dinners. She cut her thumb while doing this. It's just a small cut but it was bleeding a lot. She ripped off the first band aid and started bleeding again. We're having more success with the second band aid.

Sadie is doing pretty well in school and with friends. She's tending the rabbit that my father-in-law found and it appears to be thriving. We are anxiously awaiting her new bedroom furniture. She has a lot more homework than she is used to but she's taking it like a champ. If she keeps her GPA in a decent range she will be eligible for a trip to Germany with her German class in April. It's really nice for her to have something like that to look forward to.

We are also getting ready for my sister-in-law's wedding. The three of us got our dresses, had them fitted for minor alterations, and just need to pick them up about a week before the wedding. In the meantime, I need to watch what I eat so I can look as awesome as possible in this dress.

Which leads me to another thing-we all joined the YMCA. I haven't actually gone and used the facilities yet but I can see it in my future. Perhaps we'll go this weekend. They have a child care area that will watch children for 90 minutes while you do whatever it is you do there. I am very interested in taking spin classes. I heard that it's intense and burns a lot of calories. I like the fact that I won't have to actually jump around with other human beings. I am not ready for that yet. At any rate, it looks very clean and everyone seems very friendly.

Time to start another weekend. I really have no internal distinction between weekdays and weekends. It's all a blur to me. In some ways it feels like only yesterday that Rob passed away-so much of my feelings are still very fresh. Every morning when I wake up I feel so sad that I will not see him today. Then I realize that it's been five weeks. Still close, but yet so far from the last time I ever saw him.

Sending a prayer into the atmosphere
Answered by the crickets and the frogs
The air responds to me
Wrapping around this soul of mine
An equal exchange, give and take
As the warmth comes into me
Mingling briefly with all my tiny pieces
And swiftly retreats back to home