Jean, and everyone else...

Can I rip this off, straight out your blog?

"The right way to wholeness is made up of fateful detours and wrong turnings." CG Jung

I am sorry I missed your birthday. I am sorry I missed everyone's birthday. Can I say that I am probably the worst friend that anyone ever had?

I think of everyone, EVERYONE, on a daily basis. I include everyone in my prayers and in my rosaries. I know you think of me too, but the words are hard to find. But my thoughts...you are all in my thoughts.

I've given up on a normal life. But a special life...well that's what I think I am living. I just want everyone to know that even if I'm falling short on being the friend that everyone deserves, well, I am thinking of all of you. You are all in my hearts, not just for being my friends but for being there for me in your own way during my time of devastation.

Things aren't always all bad. I have some nice days here and there. I have some inspiration here and there. I keep telling myself that I have a lot to look forward too. I keep telling myself that I will pull it together and be a better friend to everyone who has supported me during my darkest hours.

But the anxiety that grips me most of the time---the meds can only do so much and prayer helps me for little while. What else is there? I have 2 healthy daughters and I myself am in semi-decent health and my dogs are a comfort and Facebook has been fun. But as a widow, I have countless and endless tasks. I am sorry I can't be there like I want to be for the wonderful people in my life.

I shun fun. I almost want no part of it until I return to my home. I resist any of the beautiful things I can do down here for either sleep or work on my home. I don't want to meet anyone new. I don't want to see what's beautiful around me. I fixate on returning to my home. I obsess over returning to my old job. I fixate on New Jersey, the place where I was born and feel I belong.

If you're reading this and I know you, trust me, I love you. If I don't communicate as frequently as I should, it is my fault, not yours. I have no idea how long I can continue committing the faux pas of not writing back when I should, not congratulating you on your successes, or empathizing with your setbacks. Basically, I am still partially crippled by my losses and still trying to make sense of what has fallen upon me and the girls.

However, I will continue praying for our triumph over our loss. I will keep moving forward with the only plans that give me hope. Do not think of me as a lost cause. I am a Scorpio and my life is supposed to be filled with re-birth after re-birth.

I love you ALL.

And lastly, I will give you some DMB lyrics to reflect upon:

When I step into the light
My arms are open wide
When I step into the light
My eyes searching wildly
Would you not like to be
Sitting on top of the world with
Your legs hanging free
Would you not like to be ok, ok, ok?

When I'm walking by the water
Splish splash me and you takin a bath
When I'm walking by the water
Come up through my toes
To my ankles
To my head
To my soul
And I'm blown away

I can't believe that we would
Lie in our graves
Wondering if we had
Spent our living days well
I can't believe that we would
Lie in our graves
Dreaming of things that we
Might have been

Would you not like to be
I can't believe that you
Would not like to be
Would you not like to be Ok, ok, ok

***

That's what I want, for all of us to at least be Ok.

xoxoxox

Box of Rain

I've almost been looking for an excuse to post the lyrics to this beautiful song on this blog for a while. It's a Grateful Dead song written by Robert Hunter with music by Phil Lesh. Any Deadhead knows that this song was composed in honor Lesh's father while he was dying of cancer.

I just found out that during the crafting of this song, Lesh would visit his father in the nursing home and bring along a guitar and practice. Not sure if it was the bass guitar or what, since Phil is a bassist, but something tells me the guy is as comfortable with six strings as he is with four.

Box of Rain
Robert Hunter and Phil Lesh

Look out of any window,
any morning, any evening, any day
Maybe the sun is shining,
birds are winging or
rain is falling from a heavy sky-
What do you want me to do,
to do for you to see you through?
this is all a dream we dreamed
one afternoon, long ago

Walk out of any doorway,
feel your way, feel your way
like the day before
Maybe you'll find direction,
Around some corner
where its been waiting to meet you-
What do you want me to do,
to watch for you while you are sleeping?
Well please don't be surprised
when you find me dreaming too.

Look into any eyes
you find by you, you can see
clear through to another day,
I know it's been seen before,
through other eyes on other days
while going home--
What do you want me to do
to do for you to see you through?
It's all a dream we dreamed
one afternoon, long ago.

Walk into splintered sunlight,
Inch your way through dead dreams
to another land.
Maybe you're tired and broken
Your tongue is twisted
with words half spoken
and thoughts unclear
What do you want me to do
to do for you to see you through?
A box of rain will ease the pain
and love will see you through

Just a box of rain-
wind and water
Believe it if you need it
if you don't just pass it on
Sun and shower-
wind and rain-
In and out the window
like a moth before a flame

It's just a box of rain
I don't know who put it there
Believe it if you need it
or leave it if you dare
But its just a box of rain
or a ribbon for your hair
Such a long, long time to be gone
and a short time to be there.

My Own Chemical Romance

Chemicals...can't live without 'em. Sometimes...

The Lexapro has been good to me. I trudged through about 3 or 4 weeks of feeling very disconnected with the outside world, including children, household chores, and assorted obligations breathing down my neck.

I would like to say that I awakened after week 4 to the dawn of my new, better mental state but that isn't exactly what happened. Instead I found days that I could actually accomplish a thing or two and feeling a little bit proud of myself. Still, there are many non-productive days tucked in between to know that inertia is always hanging around. In so many ways, I know I owe it to the Lexapro to get anything accomplished at all. Prior to this, there was pretty much just inertia.

Some days I feel so inert that I just can't do much of anything besides sit and think. I still have this. I will consult with my psychiatrist over these kind of days, but I also have to be honest and include the days when I am unstoppable and accomplish tasks with ease, tasks that formerly used to send me into a tailspin of despair. There are certain things I am facing, while not ominous, are actually very big in that they require me to contact someone, explain my entire situation for the millionth time (not fun) and move forward with separating Rob from his earthly holdings.

These tasks make me face the fact that he is gone from the earthly realm and remains in eternity, where finance, retirement, ownership of property, daycare, dishes, report cards no longer exists. I need to take over these earthly obligations and responsibilities one by one. If I were someone hired to do this for another person I could knock these jobs out in days. But since we are talking about my late husband, it is beyond difficult to carry it through. Every task carries a heavy emotional burden that I am only capable of doing piece by piece.

Anyway...My Chemical Romance...

This is a band I have grown to love lately. I consider them straight up rock n' roll. They are popular amongst the kiddies, but to me they show a lot of promise to carry on with their gig for a while. If you don't listen to them give them a try. I would love to hear what people have to say about older acts that they remind us of.

I would like to quote you some lyrics that have become my anthem the past couple of months...

From Welcome to the Black Parade:

We hear the call to carry on, we'll carry on
And though you're dead and gone, believe me
Your memory will carry on, we'll carry on
And though you're broken and defeated
You're weary widow marches

***

In other news, Sadie and I have been attending RCIA classes with the goal of getting her baptized and confirmed into the Catholic Church, along with receiving the sacrament of the Eucharist. The baby can just get plain, old baptized with little hullabaloo but Sadie needs to attend an adult class consisting of about 1or 12 other adults who for one reason or another need or desire to become fully initiated.

We are learning, or in my case re-learning so many new (um,rather old really) and interesting concepts. Sadie is completely cooperative and engaged in the topic. Her performance at high school this year has been rather dismal so it is encouraging to see her take a class and actually show interest in it. It's been good for both of us. I think we will go to mass soon so she can see what that's like in light of her new education of the our religion.

***

I have been doing tons of things with the house and yard. Too much to mention at this late of an hour. Basically I want to have the house on the market in about 2 months. I want it to be a top competitor in the market, in it's price range. I want a quick sale. These are the things I pray for and move towards. I want us to be back in NJ as soon as possible.

***

I vow , after my return, to have Visentini ravioli every single Thursday night unless work is taking me out to Chakra or the Stoneyfield Inn. Or maybe the Ivy Inn or McCormick's. This alone would soothe my soul in ways I can't describe. The freshness of the pasta and delicateness of the ricotta filling...perfection. A happy Italian cloud in your mouth. This would go a long way in healing my heart and making me feel normal again. I would like Sadie to have this be a tradition in her life again and I think Penny deserves to feel that ravioli joy too.

***

God Bless.

What's New?

I hope the Easter holiday was good for all of you who observed it.

The day of the resurrection also happened to be my late husband's first posthumous birthday.

Holidays are normally a little rough on me because I usually host, and since his death hosting has been a nightmare. I always forget to put out or prepare something important. I usually wind up drinking as I cook and then by dinner having a spoiled appetite and a weepy disposition.

This Easter I decided not to host and to find a venue for a decent Sunday brunch. I opted for an Easter brunch buffet at a local country club open to the public. We lingered for hours, talking and relaxing and making many trips to the food tables. For $25 per person, no dishes, no food preparation, it was a complete bargain.

No one but my parents came back to the house, which was spotlessly clean thanks to powers of 10 mg of Lexapro daily, or maybe a very timely episode of motivation that can't otherwise be explained. Me thinks it's the Lexapro. For the first two weeks I was on it I was completely lethargic. When I would have flare-ups of anxiety I would take an Ativan too (0.5 mg) which would make me more tired but would kill the anxiety. I didn't take too much Ativan during this time because I actually felt zombie-ish. To a friend I described it as feeling "disengaged."

A LOT was going on at this time with Sadie. There were some very low-points which gave way to new ways of understanding each other. As a family, she and I, we have a lot of work to do and it's going to take a lot of time and patience, but I see how our relationship could grow. It will never be "normal" simply because I gave birth to her when I was a child, but it can still be an extraordinary relationship (and it is).

Penny is growing and improving upon herself every day. She seems to have an awareness of her father but some kind of knowledge that he is not coming back. He will probably become some kind of mythical influence in her life. I don't think this is avoidable. The important thing is what kind of myth I teach her. Can I help her to find him as some sort of spiritual influence in her life.

This is huge, people. What do you think? At this point she mostly associates him with pictures and with her Spiderman plush toy. Is this healthy? Eventually I will get her into some kind of therapy, play therapy or whatnot when she's older because...God...how do you grow up without a father?

This Is Not A Lovesong

Valentine's Day...hmmmm...where to begin?

Best to jump right in.

I've been anticipating this day for months now. I knew it would be hard. Not that Rob and I were the kind of people who dropped big money or did really exciting things on this day, but it was always observed in a special, kind of quiet way. I have a stack of cards bearing beautiful sentiments hidden in my closet to remind me of this.

In late August I purchased the Linkin Park CD Minutes to Midnight and knew that one particular song could sum up exactly how I felt about this whole Valentine's Day thing. I am a big LP fan thanks to Rob. They are one of those bands who have the eerie ability to strike a chord with my present situation in life-whether it's 2001 or 2008 or any year in between.

I spent the evening on YouTube looking up video footage related to this song. They haven't put out their own official video of this song but I was able to catch some concert footage, some bootleg, some not. A lot of people made picture slideshows with the song running in the background. My favorite clips were the amateurs-acoustic guitar renditions, close-ups of fingers strumming electric guitars while the music played in the background, and stripped down versions of piano and voice.


~Valentine's Day~

My insides are turned to ash, so slow
And blew away as I collapsed, so cold
A black wind took them away, from sight
And held the darkness over day, that night
And the clouds above move closer
Looking so disatisfied
But the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing

I used to be my own protection, but not now
Cause my path has lost direction, somehow
A black wind took you away, from sight
And held the darkness over day, that night
And the clouds above move closer
Looking so disatisfied
And the ground below grew colder
As they put you down inside
But the heartless wind kept blowing, blowing

So now you're gone
And I was wrong
I never knew what it was like
To be alone
On a Valentine's

Short Scoop on the Big Win

Alright, as you all know, I try my hardest to be a decent football fan. I fall short of this most of the time. I did manage to watch most of the game even though I fell asleep for about 5 minutes on the floor during the third quarter. I couldn't help it. Those darn pillow cases are just too soft.

Anyway, it was entertaining to hear my brother and my father debate the plays and keep the commentary rolling. I love listening to sports talk even if I don't understand it too well. There's something comforting about it, probably harkening back to childhood or maybe even far back into when I still lived in my mom's belly. It's been going on around me for as long as I can remember, yet I never quite paid attention to the content as much as I absorbed the tones of voice. I suppose this is why I fell asleep.

At the end when Plaxico caught that pass tears sprang to my eyes, which I hid from everyone. The energy in my house was pulsating. By brother, smelling of a little too much bear, professed his un-dying love for all present, ran circles again around my house with both fists in the air, and then bent down to kiss me and tell me how much he loved me. My parents were clearing delighted. After the game Plaxico was interviewed on the field and although I couldn't hear his voice over the din of my home, I could see he was crying. Tears flowing down his face.
This caused me to cry in a private, bittersweet celebration.

Wiping away tears, I called my friend Laura. We celebrated over the phone while I stood outside, my neighborhood erupting into cheers, the blowing of airhorns, and the setting off of fireworks. All these displaced New Yorkers and Jersey people still have love for their favorite teams up North.

A call came in from JH, which I took, and we celebrated on the phone. I think we both knew that this victory meant a lot more to us than just the Giants winning the Superbowl. It was something that would've delighted Rob endlessly. Like JH said in his comment to my last entry, I also prayed to him during the game to somehow give those guys a hand. A loss would've been crushing. What I choose to believe is that he heard the call and came through.

Sneaking in an entry

Well, I had an entry prepared regarding Penny's birthday. I got distracted. The condensced version is as follows:

It was a good day. She got lots of presents and had fun. A bunch of people were over so it was the usual manic scene in my world: a little too much food, a lot of fussing over the too-much-food, some nice memories, some awesome out of town guests, a bit of crying over the fact that Rob couldn't be there, exhaustion, some guilt over not being able to enjoy it the maximum, and then the comfort of my Calvin Klein bedding to take me away from the day for another year.

I do recommend CK bedding highly. It is worth the investment. Whatever gets you through the night...is alright...alright.

The Superbowl: I'm praying for Big Blue to take it all the way today. Not that I care tremendously about football. I just think that with Rob watching from his corner of the universe, wherever that may be, he'd naturally want the Giants to win.

I almost can't stand the idea of watching the Superbowl, but in this family it's a holiday up there with Christmas and Easter. This was always a big day for us. For me it had to do more with the food I was preparing, but for Rob it was all about the love of the game.

Well, this year it's homemade macaroni salad, the old Ebner's Shoparama recipe. Add to that some slowly cooked BBQ spareribs prepared in an oven AND a grill (they're on the grill right now and smelling mighty fine!), burgers, dogs, wine, beer, and soda.

My father, brother, and Penny are probably heading back from Hernando Beach. My mom is out walking. Sadie is at a friends house. The dogs are hovering around the grill, praying that the ribs come back to life and throw themselves onto the patio floor spontaneously. I'm alone on the lanai, just wondering how the hell I got to this point in life.

If Blue wins, I will surely bawl my eyes out. If they don't, it will be another example of working so hard and coming so far for...for what? An anti-climax? In which case I will my bawl my eyes out for them, thinking, "I know. I know boys. All that work to get to the top of whatever and then this."

I mean, listen, I think losing a husband is way worse than losing a Superbowl. IT IS! Trust me, it sucks. That's the only way to say it. But they can always try again. I can't. But I imagine that losing a Superbowl is amazingly heart-breaking.

Well, they're all back. I guess this entries done.

Keeping fingers crossed for the Giants!

Things of Significance

Another bulleted entry. Another easy way out.

• Broke one of my nails off! It was a two-part process. First, on a Wednesday, I jammed the tip of my nail very hard into the wall while I was groggily reaching for a sweat jacket that was tossed next to my dresser the night before. ('Cuz that's how I roll these days.) The pain was immediate, intense, eye-opening. A little bit of blood oozed out from around the nail bed. The following Friday Penny succeeded in kicking my nail while I had the audacity to change her diaper. The nail needed to be removed immediately because it was sticking out of my finger in a way that made me feel slightly nauseous. It looks so pathetic now.
• Fixed a very special antique lamp that is shaped like a jaguar. It's green. I wonder if Free ever saw it? It lived in the Woodruff's bus during the summer I camped out in it. It is super-cool and as soon as I discover the whereabouts of my camera batteries (or just by new ones when I give up) there will be a pic.
• Had my pool drained and refinished. It looks incredible now. The pool people are coming daily to scrub the sides, add the acid, clean the filter, and check the acidity levels. I am far too disorganized at this point in my life to deal with it. Besides, their fee is very reasonable and the are British, not Floridian, and they are a small breath of fresh air for a couple of minutes a day. Incidentally, I do most of my face to face socialization with contractors and the girls behind the counter at Walgreen's.
• Gone to Walgreen's on a daily basis!
• Started a bunch of bathroom painting projects that are not yet finished. This will give my brother something to do when he gets here Sunday. He is going to be living with me...probably for a long time. If he's still here when I leave for Jersey in a few years, he's going to be obligated to stay here and pay me rent until it's time to leave it and sell it. I've been doing him A LOT of favors lately, because he's my brother and I love him, but I might need some favors eventually too. He has an excellent opportunity to live an independent life here without the scrutiny that would naturally occur when living with parents. He has a good chance to grow and I hope he does.
• Read a couple of really good books. I read Hiassen's Lucky You and Tim Dorsey's Hurricane Punch. I read for the second time Tom Wolfe's Bonfire of the Vanities. The copy I read was Rob's from his college years, in which he underlined and made small notes in the text. That's a pretty nice way to read a book.
• At the moment I am about 3/4 of the way through a book tited A Prayer for Owen Meany. John Irving, the author also wrote The World According to Garp and The Ciderhouse Rules. He's written more but those are the ones I've read. All incredible stories. Owen Meany was the first one I'd ever read. It was a gift from my friend and mentor, Pam as a birthday present in the fall of 2002. It's a story that changed me. When I'm done reading it maybe I'll be able to articulate just how that happened. The Owen Meany character reminds me of Rob, from his small stature to his unusual voice to his honest and brash nature. The way Owen's story ends, how Rob's story ended, and the nature of my own life story at this time-not entirely similar but enough to think about. More on that later...

End of the Year Thingy

1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?

I got a bird’s eye view of a lot of things that I’d prefer not to even remember.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I kept some of them. I did lose weight. But I didn’t calm down much like I had hoped.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Some people at work had babies, but that’s about it.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes, my husband.

5. What countries did you visit?

Is Florida considered another country? It’s like another planet as far as I’m concerned.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?

I would like to actually regain the intense focus and ambition that I had in the earlier part of this year. I would like to have more peace in my life.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

Probably the biggest one would be August 2.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

It doesn’t feel like an achievement anymore, but packing up our entire lives as a family and moving out of state.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Any time that I may have lost sight of how precious life is.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?


Nothing big.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Size 8 jeans. Oh and a slammin’ 4/3/2 with an inground pool on half an acre, flanked by conservation land, a retention canal on a dead end street that happens to be right in the middle of the daily migration of 3 tortoises. Oh and sand cranes. And frogs and slugs and all kinds of creatures I happen to like.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

The people who rallied around me after Rob passed away.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Not even worth mentioning. Just watch the news.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Household expenses, moving expenses, relocation expenses.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

All of the promise that the move had to offer.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?

There are always a few answers to this question: “How to Save a Life” by The Fray, “Leave Out All the Rest” and “Shadow of the Day” by Linkin Park, and “Little Lovers So Polite” by the Silversun Pickups.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

Sadder,
Thinner,
About the same

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Slowing down, smelling the roses, picking daisies.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Bickering, quarreling, fuming

20. How did you spend Christmas?

With my parents, inlaws, grandparents, and the baby, cooking, drinking wine, and trying to make the best of it.

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?

Next question.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

Never just one answer for this one. The Office, Scrubs, CSI (just Las Vegas really), NCIS, Sunrise Earth, Sponge Bob, The Backyardigans, Animal Precinct and the news. Ellen. Martha Stewart’s show. That’s about it.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

No. That’s a good thing, right?

24. What was the best book you read?

Skinny Dip by Carl Hiaasen.

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Silversun Pickups.

26. What did you want and get?

Recognition at work.

27. What did you want and not get?

Spending the rest of my life in paradise with my husband.

28. What was your favorite film of this year?

I never got out to the movies so I didn’t see anything really current. However, I guess I’d have to say that I really enjoyed Little Miss Sunshine.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I just tried to get through the day. I may have had a couple of nice phone calls. Nothing special. I turned 33.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

I think we all know the answer to this.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?

Jeans, t-shirts, some skirts, some nicer tops, just trying to look like I give a crap for once.

32. What kept you sane?

Lots and lots and lots of emails and phone time and text messages. I love technology.

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Wow, that is hard to answer. Most of them I just don’t have any use for and doubt their sincerity. Maybe Bob Barker, because I think the whole spaying your animals thing is very important and it’s the kind of issue that a celebrity can tackle with sincerity and with actual results.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

The war, the economy, and as always healthcare.

35. Who did you miss?

My husband, and also everyone I left behind in NJ.

36. Who was the best new person you met?

I’ve met some people that I’ve know for a while with new eyes, and what I’m seeing is beautiful.

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.

It is sometimes way too short. Don’t waste another minute on anything that gives you guilt or pain if you can possibly help it. Don’t wait for happiness to find you. Seek it.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Love is the answer, at least to most of the questions in my heart.
-Jack Johnson, from “Better Together”

The Season

Would it be shocking to say that I am having a hard time getting into the spirit of the season?

Today is December 21 and here's where I'm at: I put the tree up yesterday, very begrudgingly. It was very hard for me to even concentrate on doing it. I kept walking away from it, sort of cursing under my breath, each time I plugged one of the cords to the main electrical line in the tree.

So far there are about a dozen shiny Christmas ball ornaments put up on the tree. At least all of the lights work but that's kind of a no-brainer since it's an artificial tree with built-in lights. Thankfully someone stuffed the tree skirt in the box with the tree last year so that was easy enough to find.

This is the third year I've put this tree up by myself. Prior to this year, Rob would've been sleeping in his recliner with our little gas fireplace blazing next to him. Most likely there would've been an empty bowl that once held ice cream on the side table next to him. Possibly candy wrappers. I would've be huffing and puffing my way down the stairs, quite possibly bursting at the seems with pregnancy. Both of those years I was a little bit ticked off about him sleeping through it, but I always understood why he had to sleep. It always made a funny story anyway, dragging the Christmas tree down two flights of stairs. I would brag about being a tough Slavic chick.

In retrospect, I'm glad I never nagged Rob about that. Anyone who knows me knows I'm a little bit of a nag when necessary. I sort of selected not to be a bitch about the Christmas tree. He loved Christmas so much and I knew he would've been awake to do it if he wasn't so very tired. Both years when he woke up he'd say groggily, "I thought I told you to wait for me."

I think this might be the last year I use this tree. I'm just not into it anymore. I might buy a new one after the holiday is over when everything is marked way down. It might seem like an unnecessary expense, but I'll donate the old tree to the Salvation Army and just start over.

: : : :

I've been working on a menu for Christmas day. My parents, inlaws, grandparents, and Aunt's boyfriend are coming over. I spent a fortune at Publix today. I am baking a ham, a quiche, an onion tart, and cinnamon bread. I think a chocolate cake is going to be made as well. I am also making potatoes, Brussels sprouts (hey it's related to cabbage-it goes with ham!), and carrots. I have assorted cheeses, crackers, and vegetables to put out. Plus olives and pickles.

Would making deviled eggs be overkill? I bought a lot of eggs today and can't decide if I should make some deviled eggs. I think it would be a nice touch, but it might put me over the edge to make a dozen deviled eggs in the middle of everything.

: : : :

Did I mention that I have about 33% of my Christmas shopping complete? Not good. I'm thinking that I'm going to have to resort to gift certificates for everyone. It's the only way I can get it done and at least I can stay within budget. I went out to Linens N' Things and Old Navy in the hopes of finding some presents. Although I found a few things here and there, I managed to spend hundreds of dollars and really not get anywhere as far as presents go. I wound up buying 2 nice curtain rods with curly-cue finials on the end and some really gorgeous drapes. At least my dining room looks a hell of a lot better.

Was it necessary? No. It was completely unproductive as far as accomplishing Christmas shopping. It sucked up a lot of time and money. What can I say? For this whole week I've been walking around in a daze, dreading Christmas, doing everything I can not to think about it. Meanwhile, time marches on and brings me closer to a day when I'm going to be hosting people, cooking a big meal, exchanging presents...all under the hardest of circumstances.

Midnight Marauders

The other night I dreamt of bears. Sometimes when I dream it is like watching a documentary. Usually dreams like this involve animals. I'm not even in the dream; it is something I'm watching. A narrator's voice will guide me through what I am seeing. In this case it was a bear. It looked like a grizzly I guess, sort of a golden color. The narrator was rattling off details about the bear that I don't really remember. It's always a generic man's voice, by the way.

That's when I actually woke up to the sound of Winnie growling. Evie's hearing must not be as sharp as Winnie's because Winnie is always the first to wake up. Her ears are three years younger than Evie's.

Winnie was staring intently through the blinds covering the sliding glass doors in my bedroom into the lanai. Peeking through the slats I saw two HUGE raccoons on the lanai. Half-asleep and half-doped on NyQuil (fighting a cold) I couldn't believe the size of them. I looked at the clock to see that it was 4:00 am.

My first reaction was to share this sighting with someone. I ran into Sadie's room to tell her that the biggest raccoons I'd ever seen were out on the lanai and did she want to see. She told me to go back to sleep.

All I had to do was turn on the porch light to send them scampering away. They swiftly fit themselves under the baby screen that surrounds the pool and disappeared. I was so freaked out by this occurrence that it took at least an hour to fall back to sleep.

The bandits were after the dog dishes full of food that I had so stupidly left out on the lanai. I fell asleep before remembering to bring them in for the night. The raccoons must have thought they hit the jackpot with these perfectly uniform crunchy morsels, formulated for sensitive stomachs I might add.

In bed I kept thinking about how they could have gotten in. I hadn't seen a torn screen in the lanai. I envisioned one standing on his partner's shoulders, manipulating the latch on the screen door. I couldn't make any sense out of it and fell asleep for a few hours to dream strange dreams with lots of people and dialogue, but nothing worth remembering.

That morning upon brief investigation I noticed that one of the screen was, in fact, ripped. So it's going to cost me some money and it was stupid to leave the dog food out, and I should have known better. However, it was almost worth it to see gigantic raccoons that could magically make themselves so small as to fit under a net that's almost flush with porch floor. It was a pretty interesting brush with nature that I don't necessarily want to repeat.

Is it over yet?

2007 has been a very difficult year. I am ready for it to be over with. Not that I'm going to be doing anything spectacular on New Year's Eve, trust me, but I am really feeling like it's about time to begin a year over from scratch and work through a lot of things that need attending to.

Since my last entry we have suffered another very sad passage. One of Sadie's friends from her new school passed away. His name was Grant Aleo and he was one of the first friends that Sadie made at Springstead, along with his girlfriend Alex. I had given him and Alex rides home after school many times before Sadie began taking the bus. He was a sweet boy, soft-spoken and he'd always talk to Penny on the ride, which I found endearing.

(Jean-in terms of a general appearance and vibe, think of our dear friend Pat from back home.)

The morning he died Sadie called me from the bathroom at school, with a very bad connection on the cell, crying hysterically. All I could here her say was the word "died" in between tears and static. I began shaking and barked into the phone to text me. Her text came with the horrible news: Grant died last night.

I immediately texted her back to just go to the office right away. I raced to the school crying. My heart was swallowed up with grief all over again, for I have had a fresh taste of just how awful and final death can be. I kept thinking about his family and all of these confused kids who counted him among their own.

With minimal delay I retrieved Sadie from school and we spent the rest of the day in a stupor, intermittently crying and walking around like zombies. How absolutely unfair it is that someone so young could have their life snuffed out in an instant. All of that promise of what lies ahead absolutely gone.

For the record, the girl driving was not drunk. This was a rumor that began circulating immediately. She is currently still in an ICU following reconstructive skull surgery. Grant's was the only fatality. Sadie's ex-boyfriend Ronnie was in the crash and was in the hospital for 2 days for a concussion and he looks like he's going to be fine. The fourth passenger, another girl, was discharged from the ER the night of the accident.

The kids have been tremendous. They have been visiting Grant's family from the get-go, which his mother and father find very therapeutic. For the first week after the accident kids gathered by the dozens or more to hold vigils at favorite hangouts. They have collected hundreds of dollars for the families affected by the accident. They held a lovely vigil at a park where over a hundred of them gathered to give speeches and be together. On the day of the funeral they let off at least 99 red balloons, maybe more, at 7:32 am in the high school football field.

Following that was the funeral, the first I've gone to since Rob's. I drove Sadie and her friends Vince and Samantha up to Bushnell National Cemetery where the masses gathered for a brief service followed by paying respects to the family. More red balloons.

I cried so hard watching those balloons go and watching the coffin get loaded on to a truck with the flowers for burial. I asked Grant to please say Hello to my husband, and Grandma Shaw, and my Aunt Tootie, and her husband, and some other relatives and friends if he should happen to bump into them, if that in fact is what happens when you die.

And then I thought that maybe that's not what happens at all. Maybe our souls just continue to recycle themselves into other lives. Maybe Grant's just getting ready to give life another try in another form and maybe my late husband is already back on Earth (or possibly still in someone's belly) a baby somewhere, starting out fresh.

Either way sounds like some kind of salvation.

Filling in the Blanks

The problem with not updating often is that so much of life goes by without documenting any of the content and then when I finally do get around to writing entries they sort of stand out there alone, like naked bombshells. Instead of watching, or in this case reading, my life unfold in a sequence that makes sense, it appears that I am literally jumping from points A or B to some Martian coordinate.

The problem with updating often is that a lot of times I just don't have anything nice to say.

Don't get me wrong, I am hell-bent on enjoying motherhood no matter what. These girls are only going to be children once and the last thing they need is some batty widow of a mother living in the past and feeling sorry for herself and dragging them down with her. Judging by how quickly fifteen years has passed since the day Sadie was born, I'm expecting Penny to be wearing make-up and driving and causing trouble in the blink of an eye. It just goes too fast for me to waste any time not trying to enjoy it.

Right now the girls and I are at a point of comfort among each other. It hasn't been easy-we have had some very hard moments figuring out how to deal with ourselves and each other in Rob's absence. We are slowly finding ourselves and picking up the pieces. Very shortly my brother is going to be moving in with us, for better or for worse, which should make life interesting and hopefully a little bit easier. Probably a bit less lonely too.

You should know that before sitting down to the computer I was watching boxing on the Spanish channel. And before that I was watching Cops. And before that, Dr. G Medical Examiner. By myself. And now I'm contemplating finishing painting the bathroom OR...maybe doing some number and logic puzzles. So yeah, life is a little boring sometimes.

Also at this moment, ta-da, I am in the middle of a family feud that I need like a $!*#ing hole in the head. I really would rather not spell out the particulars here, but I would like to say that absolutely no one in the world has the right to scream in my face in front of any of my children. Naturally my anxiety level is off the charts because of this. I feel like for each step forward I make towards personal progress, something or other outside of myself drags me back a step or two.

There have been a lot of really strange things going on around here leading up to the latest debacle and I have been trying so hard to keep in mind that people get very confused and crazy by grief, but there comes a point where you really can't accept certain things, no matter what the reason is behind it. I hate to even discuss these things so obscurely because it's just not fair to the reader. Let me just say that all of this crap is just making me hate being in Florida more and more each day.

Big surprise? I painted beautiful pictures of how beautiful it is here and how friendly the people are but there are things of beauty in New Jersey and life is not made of cheery 10 second conversations in Dunkin Donuts alone. Every time I go anywhere I pass signs for places that Rob and I were supposed to visit. Every highway I get on leads to a place that we were supposed to find together. It is very depressing and makes me feel very bitter.

And then one day, after one or two fairly unbearable events occurred, I realized that, goddamn it, I am an adult woman with good career potential and the brains and will to coordinate just about goddamn anything I desire in life, plus having just inherited my husband's set of brass balls (because someone's gotta have them)...I realized that I don't have to stay here forever. Staying in Florida is optional.

What relief I felt when this revelation appeared!

In this day and age, people move all over the place all the time. This is what airplanes, trains, and cars are FOR. This is what the telephone and internet are FOR. I do not have to live here just because my family does. And people do not have to like my decision. This is not a requirement. This is my life, I'm presuming that it's the only one I've got even though I still cling to the very Buddhist idea of rebirth.

Well, how about if within this life of mine, I stage my own rebirth? It's really my job create my own happiness. No one else is going to do it for me.

Talking Turkey

Wow. What a week I had up north. I was all over that Garden State-from the meadowlands of Bergen County to the rural suburbs south of Philly to the mean streets of Jersey city and the mountains and pastures of my old home, Hunterdon County. I was up and down the Turnpike and Parkway and criss-crossed east and west over routes 78, 22, 46, and 3. I took the long way to my grandma's house on route 21 going through the center of Newark just to remember what it looked like.

I got to see friends, family, places, things. I had some great lunches and dinners and visits. I even got the chance to scope out a tattoo parlor for my next important piece of work. Best of all, I didn't lose anything important this time around. In fact, I don't think I lost anything at all.

The return home to Florida-very hard on me. I cried in the airport and I cried on the plane. I cried looking out over this state that used to be home, which still seems to hang on to my heart, calling me back. Looking out the window of the plane in the dark, watching Newark, and all of New Jersey for that matter, become nothing more than lit up highways as the plane climbed higher and higher until the clouds finally separated me from my old home, waves of sadness rushed over me as the tears fell.

I miss it. My heart is there. Florida has been kind to me, but New Jersey is my homeland. And that's all I'm going to say on this topic for tonight. Trust me, we'll revisit this topic again.

Having said that, I hope everyone had a beautiful Thanksgiving. Love you all...

Coming up North Again

I have been beyond swamped at home. I would love to get into the minutiae but I barely have time to sit down to put in an entry to this blog. Suffice to say that I am busy.

For some reason, I just can't take the thought of being in Florida for Thanksgiving. I want to see my grandmothers. We are taking a flight out of Tampa tomorrow and will be in Newark in the early afternoon. Keep your fingers crossed that we don't have any delays.

In other news, today was Sadie's birthday. Impossible to imagine that 15 years have elapsed since the day she was born! But, with a sigh, it is true. She was in a really great mood all day long and got to do some stuff that she wanted to do with friends, and got some presents, and many phone calls. I felt a little bit bad cutting it all short earlier this evening, but she was a real champ about packing and giving me a hand for the trip.

I'm hoping that when I return I'll be more in a writing mood. I do have some new developments on the home front that are worth addressing, but that's for another entry. Have a lovely Thanksgiving everyone...

Long Hiatus

Sometimes it's really hard to jump back into this thing after being gone from it for a while.

How about a bulleted entry to get right down to the main points?

• Had a full set of fake nails applied, or should I say installed, onto my fingertips and had a pedicure.
• Arranged for all of the animals in my life plus my parents' birds to be cared for adequately in our absence.
• Fielded a lot of obtrusive questions, advice, and observations from various family members.
• Packed up myself and the girls for a journey up north.
• Cried on the airplane on take-off and landing, not out of fear or anxiety, but out of wonder for how beautiful the world looks down below.
• Drove past both of my old houses in Bergen County and cried some more.
• Dined with friends and family and overall had a great time.
• Lost my rental car at the Garden State Plaza and completely went ape-shit before finding it in the correct parking garage. In the rain. And cold. Holding the baby in one arm and a bunch of shopping bags in the other. Perhaps I shed a tear or two during the ordeal.
• Woke up very early on the 28th and drove to East Stroudsburg where we managed to get totally dolled-up for the wedding.
• Wore fake eyelashes for the first time.
• Walked down the aisle as a bridesmaid.
• Had many ginger ale and vodkas.
• Decided that I really don't like Pabst Blue Ribbon.
• Lost a bag of important papers that I'd rather not talk about.
• Left the car seat in the rental car and figured it out that it was gone during my first attempt at checking luggage for the flight. I had to take the airtrain back to Hertz where I ran in like a maniac, not just crying but pretty much mentally decompensating, and begged them to go look for it now. The manager retrieved it for me fairly promptly and we made it back in time to check it in, change a diaper, and board the plane.
• Arrived home with both daughters, all of us in one piece.
• Obtained my dogs from the kennel.
• Had my fingernails shortened and re polished in order to be able to carry on with my life like a somewhat normal human being.
• Recovered from the various stressful events that occurred during the trip.
• Prepared Sadie for her homecoming dance.
• Nursed the baby through a bout of diarrhea.
• Moved all of my belongings to my new home in Spring Hill.
• Continue to live like an animal out of boxes and eating bad food while trying to sort everything out.

Each one of those bullets above could have been an entry in it's own right. I wish I would've just made myself write it down when it was fresh because each of them contains a story. I'm thinking in particular about the dinners with friends, the nails, the diarrhea, and the move.

Sadie's Hair

I promised pics of Sadie's new 'do ages ago and have slacked. Things have been busy, but I'll save it for another entry. Meanwhile, ici:

Still the asymmetrical cut, not too much different, but the color is the main difference. She loves it. I like it quite a bit too!

And yes, she's a big Hello Kitty fan.

New Hair and Other Things

In preparation for the wedding, and also to just improve my style situation a little bit, both Sadie and I got our hair done yesterday. I've had a chance to take some pictures of my own new coif but Sadie was so busy yesterday after school that I didn't have a chance to take pictures of her hair. Well, I did take a pic with my phone but that's it.

Sadie tried tae kwon do with her friend yesterday. They did two 45 minute sessions yesterday and she loved it. She wants to start going every Tuesday which pleases me greatly.

Although it is very refreshing to have a haircut, I wish I looked a little bit different than I do. It is still kind of my same basic, boring hairstyle that I always wind up reverting back to when I neglect to get it trimmed regularly, like a normal human being. Which happens a lot. I think next time I'm going to be more daring with the color. Overall I'm just glad that I have a fresh new 'do and there's still enough hair to have them put it up for the wedding.

Here are the best examples of what I can offer of the cut and the color:

See, not that much different. But better.

Spring Hill

I didn't ever plan on living here. The plan was to move to a house in New Port Richey, about 20 miles south of here. It wouldn't have been that far really, but it would have been a little bit closer to Tampa and just a few miles from Tarpon Springs.

I had been to Spring Hill before when I was younger since my grandfather lives here. I found it ironic that Rob's grandfather also lived in this town, having moved here around the same time my grandfather did. In the summer of '04, I believe, while we were all on vacation down here-his parents, his sister, my parents, everyone-his folks bought a house in Spring Hill as a winter home.

His parents closed on the house I am living in on the same day that we closed on our Jersey house. They bought it to rent out, but it took on the more immediate purpose of sheltering me and the girls during my brief hiatus from home-ownership. It has been a godsend.

I used to scoff at the idea of living here. It is very Florida-cracker meets Northern Exodus to The South meets various other groups of people. It's on the Nature Coast. It's a little bit rural, a little bit town, and absolutely no city. There are no tall buildings, only strip malls and residential properties. It lacks the sleekness and the cool vibe of Tarpon Springs and New Port Richey.

Still, I like it here! The people are very friendly. I have had some very positive interactions with strangers. I'm not good at making friends so this is about the best I can hope for right now. It carries me a long way actually.

The benchmark moment had to be the day I walked into my bank down here with a fairly sizable check from the sale of our Jersey house. I was alone, by choice. They actually had a greeter there to see if she could help anyone who walked in, which was me with this check that Rob had so thoughtfully and fortunately signed before passing away. When the woman asked if she could help me, I literally burst into tears with this check in my hand and quietly and briefly explained my situation. She soothed me and shushed me and brought me up to the counter like a little chick under her wing and helped me get squared away.

There are have been other moments, similar, although usually without the tears. I got Sadie into high school, on schedule, for the very first day of the school year. That was no easy task, with the doctors' office up north who just wouldn't fax over her medical information and other related obstacles. I had to rely greatly on the efforts of the Public Health Clinic down here, which does an amazing job of getting kids immunized and seen by doctors during the 2 weeks leading up to the first day. However, the wait there is excruciating. Since then it has been pretty much smooth-sailing as far as Sadie's school goes. Her freshman year has been very good so far.

And while, no, I never dreamed of living here, it is much better than I imagined. It is a very laid back town. There are a lot of elderly people, especially in the area that the new house is in. There are also a lot of families with kids. There are also some tattoo parlors and barbeque pits and they sell beer and wine in the grocery store.

Maybe I just belong here right now.

For you out there who like to get lost in wiki, please visit:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spring_Hill%2C_Florida

Some Pics from Last Weekend

This past weekend JH and his girlfriend Mariela came down to Florida for a visit. We had a nice time. On Saturday we had a leisurely breakfast before heading down to Tarpon Springs for a little shopping, strolling, and lunch. I replenished my supply of sea salt body scrub and treated myself to a few cigars. No, I didn't stand around and smoke a few cigars during the outing. I brought them back home for the occasional sleepless nights that surely lie ahead.

We ate lunch at a place called Snookers. This place has indoor and outdoor seating, a big tiki bar, and an alligator pool. It touts Floribbean cuisine on the menu and pretty much delivers just that.

At one point we walked past a fudge shop. Mariela, who is not originally from the states asked "what is fudge?" This pretty much sealed the deal that we would have to go in and show her exactly what the excitement over fudge is all about. I must say, it was good but it wasn't the best I've ever had. It was a little granular and not as smooth and creamy as it should've been. I wonder if the humidity has anything to do with the consistency. Should I just seek out every fudge factory in Florida to test my hypothesis? Probably not a good idea with me being in a wedding and all in less than four weeks.

Let's just say, it did answer the question "what is fudge" in a satisfactory way, but not it didn't convey the excellence which usually would accompany the answer.

Well, I could go on and on dissecting the meals we ate but who wants to hear about that. The point is, my friends came in to town and it was a real treat to see them. We got out on Saturday night for some drinks. Penny spent her first night apart from me in her whole entire life by sleeping over her grandparents house. Aside from the fact that I worried constantly about her-picturing her running around wildly crying at 11:30, 12:30, 1:30, etc.-it was a little bit comforting to know that IF I ever decide to treat myself to a night or two without the girls, she will probably survive without me.

So here are some pics:

JH-how's this for a moody, brooding, contrived, fakely pensive, faux-candid self-pic? Go ahead, get your digs in :-P