Monday, April 28, 2008

Box of Rain

I've almost been looking for an excuse to post the lyrics to this beautiful song on this blog for a while. It's a Grateful Dead song written by Robert Hunter with music by Phil Lesh. Any Deadhead knows that this song was composed in honor Lesh's father while he was dying of cancer.

I just found out that during the crafting of this song, Lesh would visit his father in the nursing home and bring along a guitar and practice. Not sure if it was the bass guitar or what, since Phil is a bassist, but something tells me the guy is as comfortable with six strings as he is with four.

Box of Rain
Robert Hunter and Phil Lesh

Look out of any window,
any morning, any evening, any day
Maybe the sun is shining,
birds are winging or
rain is falling from a heavy sky-
What do you want me to do,
to do for you to see you through?
this is all a dream we dreamed
one afternoon, long ago

Walk out of any doorway,
feel your way, feel your way
like the day before
Maybe you'll find direction,
Around some corner
where its been waiting to meet you-
What do you want me to do,
to watch for you while you are sleeping?
Well please don't be surprised
when you find me dreaming too.

Look into any eyes
you find by you, you can see
clear through to another day,
I know it's been seen before,
through other eyes on other days
while going home--
What do you want me to do
to do for you to see you through?
It's all a dream we dreamed
one afternoon, long ago.

Walk into splintered sunlight,
Inch your way through dead dreams
to another land.
Maybe you're tired and broken
Your tongue is twisted
with words half spoken
and thoughts unclear
What do you want me to do
to do for you to see you through?
A box of rain will ease the pain
and love will see you through

Just a box of rain-
wind and water
Believe it if you need it
if you don't just pass it on
Sun and shower-
wind and rain-
In and out the window
like a moth before a flame

It's just a box of rain
I don't know who put it there
Believe it if you need it
or leave it if you dare
But its just a box of rain
or a ribbon for your hair
Such a long, long time to be gone
and a short time to be there.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

My Own Chemical Romance

Chemicals...can't live without 'em. Sometimes...

The Lexapro has been good to me. I trudged through about 3 or 4 weeks of feeling very disconnected with the outside world, including children, household chores, and assorted obligations breathing down my neck.

I would like to say that I awakened after week 4 to the dawn of my new, better mental state but that isn't exactly what happened. Instead I found days that I could actually accomplish a thing or two and feeling a little bit proud of myself. Still, there are many non-productive days tucked in between to know that inertia is always hanging around. In so many ways, I know I owe it to the Lexapro to get anything accomplished at all. Prior to this, there was pretty much just inertia.

Some days I feel so inert that I just can't do much of anything besides sit and think. I still have this. I will consult with my psychiatrist over these kind of days, but I also have to be honest and include the days when I am unstoppable and accomplish tasks with ease, tasks that formerly used to send me into a tailspin of despair. There are certain things I am facing, while not ominous, are actually very big in that they require me to contact someone, explain my entire situation for the millionth time (not fun) and move forward with separating Rob from his earthly holdings.

These tasks make me face the fact that he is gone from the earthly realm and remains in eternity, where finance, retirement, ownership of property, daycare, dishes, report cards no longer exists. I need to take over these earthly obligations and responsibilities one by one. If I were someone hired to do this for another person I could knock these jobs out in days. But since we are talking about my late husband, it is beyond difficult to carry it through. Every task carries a heavy emotional burden that I am only capable of doing piece by piece.

Anyway...My Chemical Romance...

This is a band I have grown to love lately. I consider them straight up rock n' roll. They are popular amongst the kiddies, but to me they show a lot of promise to carry on with their gig for a while. If you don't listen to them give them a try. I would love to hear what people have to say about older acts that they remind us of.

I would like to quote you some lyrics that have become my anthem the past couple of months...

From Welcome to the Black Parade:

We hear the call to carry on, we'll carry on
And though you're dead and gone, believe me
Your memory will carry on, we'll carry on
And though you're broken and defeated
You're weary widow marches

***

In other news, Sadie and I have been attending RCIA classes with the goal of getting her baptized and confirmed into the Catholic Church, along with receiving the sacrament of the Eucharist. The baby can just get plain, old baptized with little hullabaloo but Sadie needs to attend an adult class consisting of about 1or 12 other adults who for one reason or another need or desire to become fully initiated.

We are learning, or in my case re-learning so many new (um,rather old really) and interesting concepts. Sadie is completely cooperative and engaged in the topic. Her performance at high school this year has been rather dismal so it is encouraging to see her take a class and actually show interest in it. It's been good for both of us. I think we will go to mass soon so she can see what that's like in light of her new education of the our religion.

***

I have been doing tons of things with the house and yard. Too much to mention at this late of an hour. Basically I want to have the house on the market in about 2 months. I want it to be a top competitor in the market, in it's price range. I want a quick sale. These are the things I pray for and move towards. I want us to be back in NJ as soon as possible.

***

I vow , after my return, to have Visentini ravioli every single Thursday night unless work is taking me out to Chakra or the Stoneyfield Inn. Or maybe the Ivy Inn or McCormick's. This alone would soothe my soul in ways I can't describe. The freshness of the pasta and delicateness of the ricotta filling...perfection. A happy Italian cloud in your mouth. This would go a long way in healing my heart and making me feel normal again. I would like Sadie to have this be a tradition in her life again and I think Penny deserves to feel that ravioli joy too.

***

God Bless.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

What's New?

I hope the Easter holiday was good for all of you who observed it.

The day of the resurrection also happened to be my late husband's first posthumous birthday.

Holidays are normally a little rough on me because I usually host, and since his death hosting has been a nightmare. I always forget to put out or prepare something important. I usually wind up drinking as I cook and then by dinner having a spoiled appetite and a weepy disposition.

This Easter I decided not to host and to find a venue for a decent Sunday brunch. I opted for an Easter brunch buffet at a local country club open to the public. We lingered for hours, talking and relaxing and making many trips to the food tables. For $25 per person, no dishes, no food preparation, it was a complete bargain.

No one but my parents came back to the house, which was spotlessly clean thanks to powers of 10 mg of Lexapro daily, or maybe a very timely episode of motivation that can't otherwise be explained. Me thinks it's the Lexapro. For the first two weeks I was on it I was completely lethargic. When I would have flare-ups of anxiety I would take an Ativan too (0.5 mg) which would make me more tired but would kill the anxiety. I didn't take too much Ativan during this time because I actually felt zombie-ish. To a friend I described it as feeling "disengaged."

A LOT was going on at this time with Sadie. There were some very low-points which gave way to new ways of understanding each other. As a family, she and I, we have a lot of work to do and it's going to take a lot of time and patience, but I see how our relationship could grow. It will never be "normal" simply because I gave birth to her when I was a child, but it can still be an extraordinary relationship (and it is).

Penny is growing and improving upon herself every day. She seems to have an awareness of her father but some kind of knowledge that he is not coming back. He will probably become some kind of mythical influence in her life. I don't think this is avoidable. The important thing is what kind of myth I teach her. Can I help her to find him as some sort of spiritual influence in her life.

This is huge, people. What do you think? At this point she mostly associates him with pictures and with her Spiderman plush toy. Is this healthy? Eventually I will get her into some kind of therapy, play therapy or whatnot when she's older because...God...how do you grow up without a father?