Would it be shocking to say that I am having a hard time getting into the spirit of the season?
Today is December 21 and here's where I'm at: I put the tree up yesterday, very begrudgingly. It was very hard for me to even concentrate on doing it. I kept walking away from it, sort of cursing under my breath, each time I plugged one of the cords to the main electrical line in the tree.
So far there are about a dozen shiny Christmas ball ornaments put up on the tree. At least all of the lights work but that's kind of a no-brainer since it's an artificial tree with built-in lights. Thankfully someone stuffed the tree skirt in the box with the tree last year so that was easy enough to find.
This is the third year I've put this tree up by myself. Prior to this year, Rob would've been sleeping in his recliner with our little gas fireplace blazing next to him. Most likely there would've been an empty bowl that once held ice cream on the side table next to him. Possibly candy wrappers. I would've be huffing and puffing my way down the stairs, quite possibly bursting at the seems with pregnancy. Both of those years I was a little bit ticked off about him sleeping through it, but I always understood why he had to sleep. It always made a funny story anyway, dragging the Christmas tree down two flights of stairs. I would brag about being a tough Slavic chick.
In retrospect, I'm glad I never nagged Rob about that. Anyone who knows me knows I'm a little bit of a nag when necessary. I sort of selected not to be a bitch about the Christmas tree. He loved Christmas so much and I knew he would've been awake to do it if he wasn't so very tired. Both years when he woke up he'd say groggily, "I thought I told you to wait for me."
I think this might be the last year I use this tree. I'm just not into it anymore. I might buy a new one after the holiday is over when everything is marked way down. It might seem like an unnecessary expense, but I'll donate the old tree to the Salvation Army and just start over.
: : : :
I've been working on a menu for Christmas day. My parents, inlaws, grandparents, and Aunt's boyfriend are coming over. I spent a fortune at Publix today. I am baking a ham, a quiche, an onion tart, and cinnamon bread. I think a chocolate cake is going to be made as well. I am also making potatoes, Brussels sprouts (hey it's related to cabbage-it goes with ham!), and carrots. I have assorted cheeses, crackers, and vegetables to put out. Plus olives and pickles.
Would making deviled eggs be overkill? I bought a lot of eggs today and can't decide if I should make some deviled eggs. I think it would be a nice touch, but it might put me over the edge to make a dozen deviled eggs in the middle of everything.
: : : :
Did I mention that I have about 33% of my Christmas shopping complete? Not good. I'm thinking that I'm going to have to resort to gift certificates for everyone. It's the only way I can get it done and at least I can stay within budget. I went out to Linens N' Things and Old Navy in the hopes of finding some presents. Although I found a few things here and there, I managed to spend hundreds of dollars and really not get anywhere as far as presents go. I wound up buying 2 nice curtain rods with curly-cue finials on the end and some really gorgeous drapes. At least my dining room looks a hell of a lot better.
Was it necessary? No. It was completely unproductive as far as accomplishing Christmas shopping. It sucked up a lot of time and money. What can I say? For this whole week I've been walking around in a daze, dreading Christmas, doing everything I can not to think about it. Meanwhile, time marches on and brings me closer to a day when I'm going to be hosting people, cooking a big meal, exchanging presents...all under the hardest of circumstances.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Monday, December 17, 2007
Midnight Marauders
The other night I dreamt of bears. Sometimes when I dream it is like watching a documentary. Usually dreams like this involve animals. I'm not even in the dream; it is something I'm watching. A narrator's voice will guide me through what I am seeing. In this case it was a bear. It looked like a grizzly I guess, sort of a golden color. The narrator was rattling off details about the bear that I don't really remember. It's always a generic man's voice, by the way.
That's when I actually woke up to the sound of Winnie growling. Evie's hearing must not be as sharp as Winnie's because Winnie is always the first to wake up. Her ears are three years younger than Evie's.
Winnie was staring intently through the blinds covering the sliding glass doors in my bedroom into the lanai. Peeking through the slats I saw two HUGE raccoons on the lanai. Half-asleep and half-doped on NyQuil (fighting a cold) I couldn't believe the size of them. I looked at the clock to see that it was 4:00 am.
My first reaction was to share this sighting with someone. I ran into Sadie's room to tell her that the biggest raccoons I'd ever seen were out on the lanai and did she want to see. She told me to go back to sleep.
All I had to do was turn on the porch light to send them scampering away. They swiftly fit themselves under the baby screen that surrounds the pool and disappeared. I was so freaked out by this occurrence that it took at least an hour to fall back to sleep.
The bandits were after the dog dishes full of food that I had so stupidly left out on the lanai. I fell asleep before remembering to bring them in for the night. The raccoons must have thought they hit the jackpot with these perfectly uniform crunchy morsels, formulated for sensitive stomachs I might add.
In bed I kept thinking about how they could have gotten in. I hadn't seen a torn screen in the lanai. I envisioned one standing on his partner's shoulders, manipulating the latch on the screen door. I couldn't make any sense out of it and fell asleep for a few hours to dream strange dreams with lots of people and dialogue, but nothing worth remembering.
That morning upon brief investigation I noticed that one of the screen was, in fact, ripped. So it's going to cost me some money and it was stupid to leave the dog food out, and I should have known better. However, it was almost worth it to see gigantic raccoons that could magically make themselves so small as to fit under a net that's almost flush with porch floor. It was a pretty interesting brush with nature that I don't necessarily want to repeat.
That's when I actually woke up to the sound of Winnie growling. Evie's hearing must not be as sharp as Winnie's because Winnie is always the first to wake up. Her ears are three years younger than Evie's.
Winnie was staring intently through the blinds covering the sliding glass doors in my bedroom into the lanai. Peeking through the slats I saw two HUGE raccoons on the lanai. Half-asleep and half-doped on NyQuil (fighting a cold) I couldn't believe the size of them. I looked at the clock to see that it was 4:00 am.
My first reaction was to share this sighting with someone. I ran into Sadie's room to tell her that the biggest raccoons I'd ever seen were out on the lanai and did she want to see. She told me to go back to sleep.
All I had to do was turn on the porch light to send them scampering away. They swiftly fit themselves under the baby screen that surrounds the pool and disappeared. I was so freaked out by this occurrence that it took at least an hour to fall back to sleep.
The bandits were after the dog dishes full of food that I had so stupidly left out on the lanai. I fell asleep before remembering to bring them in for the night. The raccoons must have thought they hit the jackpot with these perfectly uniform crunchy morsels, formulated for sensitive stomachs I might add.
In bed I kept thinking about how they could have gotten in. I hadn't seen a torn screen in the lanai. I envisioned one standing on his partner's shoulders, manipulating the latch on the screen door. I couldn't make any sense out of it and fell asleep for a few hours to dream strange dreams with lots of people and dialogue, but nothing worth remembering.
That morning upon brief investigation I noticed that one of the screen was, in fact, ripped. So it's going to cost me some money and it was stupid to leave the dog food out, and I should have known better. However, it was almost worth it to see gigantic raccoons that could magically make themselves so small as to fit under a net that's almost flush with porch floor. It was a pretty interesting brush with nature that I don't necessarily want to repeat.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Is it over yet?
2007 has been a very difficult year. I am ready for it to be over with. Not that I'm going to be doing anything spectacular on New Year's Eve, trust me, but I am really feeling like it's about time to begin a year over from scratch and work through a lot of things that need attending to.
Since my last entry we have suffered another very sad passage. One of Sadie's friends from her new school passed away. His name was Grant Aleo and he was one of the first friends that Sadie made at Springstead, along with his girlfriend Alex. I had given him and Alex rides home after school many times before Sadie began taking the bus. He was a sweet boy, soft-spoken and he'd always talk to Penny on the ride, which I found endearing.
(Jean-in terms of a general appearance and vibe, think of our dear friend Pat from back home.)
The morning he died Sadie called me from the bathroom at school, with a very bad connection on the cell, crying hysterically. All I could here her say was the word "died" in between tears and static. I began shaking and barked into the phone to text me. Her text came with the horrible news: Grant died last night.
I immediately texted her back to just go to the office right away. I raced to the school crying. My heart was swallowed up with grief all over again, for I have had a fresh taste of just how awful and final death can be. I kept thinking about his family and all of these confused kids who counted him among their own.
With minimal delay I retrieved Sadie from school and we spent the rest of the day in a stupor, intermittently crying and walking around like zombies. How absolutely unfair it is that someone so young could have their life snuffed out in an instant. All of that promise of what lies ahead absolutely gone.
For the record, the girl driving was not drunk. This was a rumor that began circulating immediately. She is currently still in an ICU following reconstructive skull surgery. Grant's was the only fatality. Sadie's ex-boyfriend Ronnie was in the crash and was in the hospital for 2 days for a concussion and he looks like he's going to be fine. The fourth passenger, another girl, was discharged from the ER the night of the accident.
The kids have been tremendous. They have been visiting Grant's family from the get-go, which his mother and father find very therapeutic. For the first week after the accident kids gathered by the dozens or more to hold vigils at favorite hangouts. They have collected hundreds of dollars for the families affected by the accident. They held a lovely vigil at a park where over a hundred of them gathered to give speeches and be together. On the day of the funeral they let off at least 99 red balloons, maybe more, at 7:32 am in the high school football field.
Following that was the funeral, the first I've gone to since Rob's. I drove Sadie and her friends Vince and Samantha up to Bushnell National Cemetery where the masses gathered for a brief service followed by paying respects to the family. More red balloons.
I cried so hard watching those balloons go and watching the coffin get loaded on to a truck with the flowers for burial. I asked Grant to please say Hello to my husband, and Grandma Shaw, and my Aunt Tootie, and her husband, and some other relatives and friends if he should happen to bump into them, if that in fact is what happens when you die.
And then I thought that maybe that's not what happens at all. Maybe our souls just continue to recycle themselves into other lives. Maybe Grant's just getting ready to give life another try in another form and maybe my late husband is already back on Earth (or possibly still in someone's belly) a baby somewhere, starting out fresh.
Either way sounds like some kind of salvation.
Since my last entry we have suffered another very sad passage. One of Sadie's friends from her new school passed away. His name was Grant Aleo and he was one of the first friends that Sadie made at Springstead, along with his girlfriend Alex. I had given him and Alex rides home after school many times before Sadie began taking the bus. He was a sweet boy, soft-spoken and he'd always talk to Penny on the ride, which I found endearing.
(Jean-in terms of a general appearance and vibe, think of our dear friend Pat from back home.)
The morning he died Sadie called me from the bathroom at school, with a very bad connection on the cell, crying hysterically. All I could here her say was the word "died" in between tears and static. I began shaking and barked into the phone to text me. Her text came with the horrible news: Grant died last night.
I immediately texted her back to just go to the office right away. I raced to the school crying. My heart was swallowed up with grief all over again, for I have had a fresh taste of just how awful and final death can be. I kept thinking about his family and all of these confused kids who counted him among their own.
With minimal delay I retrieved Sadie from school and we spent the rest of the day in a stupor, intermittently crying and walking around like zombies. How absolutely unfair it is that someone so young could have their life snuffed out in an instant. All of that promise of what lies ahead absolutely gone.
For the record, the girl driving was not drunk. This was a rumor that began circulating immediately. She is currently still in an ICU following reconstructive skull surgery. Grant's was the only fatality. Sadie's ex-boyfriend Ronnie was in the crash and was in the hospital for 2 days for a concussion and he looks like he's going to be fine. The fourth passenger, another girl, was discharged from the ER the night of the accident.
The kids have been tremendous. They have been visiting Grant's family from the get-go, which his mother and father find very therapeutic. For the first week after the accident kids gathered by the dozens or more to hold vigils at favorite hangouts. They have collected hundreds of dollars for the families affected by the accident. They held a lovely vigil at a park where over a hundred of them gathered to give speeches and be together. On the day of the funeral they let off at least 99 red balloons, maybe more, at 7:32 am in the high school football field.
Following that was the funeral, the first I've gone to since Rob's. I drove Sadie and her friends Vince and Samantha up to Bushnell National Cemetery where the masses gathered for a brief service followed by paying respects to the family. More red balloons.
I cried so hard watching those balloons go and watching the coffin get loaded on to a truck with the flowers for burial. I asked Grant to please say Hello to my husband, and Grandma Shaw, and my Aunt Tootie, and her husband, and some other relatives and friends if he should happen to bump into them, if that in fact is what happens when you die.
And then I thought that maybe that's not what happens at all. Maybe our souls just continue to recycle themselves into other lives. Maybe Grant's just getting ready to give life another try in another form and maybe my late husband is already back on Earth (or possibly still in someone's belly) a baby somewhere, starting out fresh.
Either way sounds like some kind of salvation.
Saturday, December 01, 2007
Filling in the Blanks
The problem with not updating often is that so much of life goes by without documenting any of the content and then when I finally do get around to writing entries they sort of stand out there alone, like naked bombshells. Instead of watching, or in this case reading, my life unfold in a sequence that makes sense, it appears that I am literally jumping from points A or B to some Martian coordinate.
The problem with updating often is that a lot of times I just don't have anything nice to say.
Don't get me wrong, I am hell-bent on enjoying motherhood no matter what. These girls are only going to be children once and the last thing they need is some batty widow of a mother living in the past and feeling sorry for herself and dragging them down with her. Judging by how quickly fifteen years has passed since the day Sadie was born, I'm expecting Penny to be wearing make-up and driving and causing trouble in the blink of an eye. It just goes too fast for me to waste any time not trying to enjoy it.
Right now the girls and I are at a point of comfort among each other. It hasn't been easy-we have had some very hard moments figuring out how to deal with ourselves and each other in Rob's absence. We are slowly finding ourselves and picking up the pieces. Very shortly my brother is going to be moving in with us, for better or for worse, which should make life interesting and hopefully a little bit easier. Probably a bit less lonely too.
You should know that before sitting down to the computer I was watching boxing on the Spanish channel. And before that I was watching Cops. And before that, Dr. G Medical Examiner. By myself. And now I'm contemplating finishing painting the bathroom OR...maybe doing some number and logic puzzles. So yeah, life is a little boring sometimes.
Also at this moment, ta-da, I am in the middle of a family feud that I need like a $!*#ing hole in the head. I really would rather not spell out the particulars here, but I would like to say that absolutely no one in the world has the right to scream in my face in front of any of my children. Naturally my anxiety level is off the charts because of this. I feel like for each step forward I make towards personal progress, something or other outside of myself drags me back a step or two.
There have been a lot of really strange things going on around here leading up to the latest debacle and I have been trying so hard to keep in mind that people get very confused and crazy by grief, but there comes a point where you really can't accept certain things, no matter what the reason is behind it. I hate to even discuss these things so obscurely because it's just not fair to the reader. Let me just say that all of this crap is just making me hate being in Florida more and more each day.
Big surprise? I painted beautiful pictures of how beautiful it is here and how friendly the people are but there are things of beauty in New Jersey and life is not made of cheery 10 second conversations in Dunkin Donuts alone. Every time I go anywhere I pass signs for places that Rob and I were supposed to visit. Every highway I get on leads to a place that we were supposed to find together. It is very depressing and makes me feel very bitter.
And then one day, after one or two fairly unbearable events occurred, I realized that, goddamn it, I am an adult woman with good career potential and the brains and will to coordinate just about goddamn anything I desire in life, plus having just inherited my husband's set of brass balls (because someone's gotta have them)...I realized that I don't have to stay here forever. Staying in Florida is optional.
What relief I felt when this revelation appeared!
In this day and age, people move all over the place all the time. This is what airplanes, trains, and cars are FOR. This is what the telephone and internet are FOR. I do not have to live here just because my family does. And people do not have to like my decision. This is not a requirement. This is my life, I'm presuming that it's the only one I've got even though I still cling to the very Buddhist idea of rebirth.
Well, how about if within this life of mine, I stage my own rebirth? It's really my job create my own happiness. No one else is going to do it for me.
The problem with updating often is that a lot of times I just don't have anything nice to say.
Don't get me wrong, I am hell-bent on enjoying motherhood no matter what. These girls are only going to be children once and the last thing they need is some batty widow of a mother living in the past and feeling sorry for herself and dragging them down with her. Judging by how quickly fifteen years has passed since the day Sadie was born, I'm expecting Penny to be wearing make-up and driving and causing trouble in the blink of an eye. It just goes too fast for me to waste any time not trying to enjoy it.
Right now the girls and I are at a point of comfort among each other. It hasn't been easy-we have had some very hard moments figuring out how to deal with ourselves and each other in Rob's absence. We are slowly finding ourselves and picking up the pieces. Very shortly my brother is going to be moving in with us, for better or for worse, which should make life interesting and hopefully a little bit easier. Probably a bit less lonely too.
You should know that before sitting down to the computer I was watching boxing on the Spanish channel. And before that I was watching Cops. And before that, Dr. G Medical Examiner. By myself. And now I'm contemplating finishing painting the bathroom OR...maybe doing some number and logic puzzles. So yeah, life is a little boring sometimes.
Also at this moment, ta-da, I am in the middle of a family feud that I need like a $!*#ing hole in the head. I really would rather not spell out the particulars here, but I would like to say that absolutely no one in the world has the right to scream in my face in front of any of my children. Naturally my anxiety level is off the charts because of this. I feel like for each step forward I make towards personal progress, something or other outside of myself drags me back a step or two.
There have been a lot of really strange things going on around here leading up to the latest debacle and I have been trying so hard to keep in mind that people get very confused and crazy by grief, but there comes a point where you really can't accept certain things, no matter what the reason is behind it. I hate to even discuss these things so obscurely because it's just not fair to the reader. Let me just say that all of this crap is just making me hate being in Florida more and more each day.
Big surprise? I painted beautiful pictures of how beautiful it is here and how friendly the people are but there are things of beauty in New Jersey and life is not made of cheery 10 second conversations in Dunkin Donuts alone. Every time I go anywhere I pass signs for places that Rob and I were supposed to visit. Every highway I get on leads to a place that we were supposed to find together. It is very depressing and makes me feel very bitter.
And then one day, after one or two fairly unbearable events occurred, I realized that, goddamn it, I am an adult woman with good career potential and the brains and will to coordinate just about goddamn anything I desire in life, plus having just inherited my husband's set of brass balls (because someone's gotta have them)...I realized that I don't have to stay here forever. Staying in Florida is optional.
What relief I felt when this revelation appeared!
In this day and age, people move all over the place all the time. This is what airplanes, trains, and cars are FOR. This is what the telephone and internet are FOR. I do not have to live here just because my family does. And people do not have to like my decision. This is not a requirement. This is my life, I'm presuming that it's the only one I've got even though I still cling to the very Buddhist idea of rebirth.
Well, how about if within this life of mine, I stage my own rebirth? It's really my job create my own happiness. No one else is going to do it for me.
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